lEx  iCthrtJs 


SEYMOUR  DURST 


"When  you  leave,  please  leave  this  book 

Because  it  has  been  said 
"Ever'thin^  comes  t'  him  who  waits 

Except  a  loaned  book." 


Avery  Architectural  and  Fine  Arts  Library 
Gu  t  or  Skymoi'r  B.  Durst  Old  York  Library 

Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2014 


https://archive.org/details/skillinansnewyorkOOskil 


SKILLMAN'S 
IVEW-YORK 

POLICE  REPORTS. 


SKILIiMAN'S 

NEW-YORK  POLICE  REPORTS. 

ILLUSTRATED  WITH  ENGRAVINGS. 
WRITTEN  IN  1828  -29. 

"  Tho  sheriff  with  a  most  monstrous  watch  is  at  the  door." — Shak. 
PRINTED  BY  LUDWIG  &  TOLEFREE, 

CORNER  OF  GREENWICH  &  VESEY-STS. 

1830. 


,N5Z 
5c. 


SOUTHERN  DISTRICT  OF  NEW-YORK, »». 

lTik'*'S^"*'iTt'^  rr  REMEMBERED,  That  on  the  twelfth  day  of  January, 
tT^_  ^  intlieycarofnurLurd  one  thousand  ciglit  hundred  and  thirty, 

A^X^JrfzT  "'^  fiftv-fourth  year  of  the  Inde|iendencn  of  the  United  Slates 

.T  ■     «  •'o'"'     Skillinan,  of  the  said  dislricl,  hath  deposited  in 

this  office,  the  title  of  a  booli,  tlie  right  wliercof  lie  claims  »s  Author,  in  the  words 
lollowing,  to  wit; — 

"SKILLMAN'S  NEW-YORK  POLICE  REPORTS,  Illustrated  with  engravings. 
Written  in  1828-29.  The  Sheriff  with  a  most  monstrous  watch  is  at  the  door.— SAaJt»." 

In  conformily  to  the  Act  of  Congress  of  the  United  Slates,  cnlillcd,  "  An  Act  for 
the  cncoiirairenuMit  of  Learni[,g.  I.y  securing  the  copies  ol  M  .ps.  Charts,  and  Books, 
tntlie  auihors  and  pn.prji  t.irs  of  such  copies,  durini;  the  liirie  ther.'in  raentioije.l."  And 
aliiO  to  an  Act,  ci.i.il.-d,  "An  Act,  supplementary  to  an  Act,  eniiilrd  an  Act  for  the 
cncrour^.gemeiit  of  Leiirning,  by  securing  tlic  copies  of  Maps,  Ci.  irts,  and  Books,  to 
the  anihois  and  proprielors  of  snch  copies,  during  the  limes  therein  meiilioned,  and 
»nd°ot^iefpriotr"  '""^  ''''^'^"'"K'  enfraving,  and  etching  historical 

FREDERICK  J.  BETTS, 
Clerk  of  the  Southern  District  of  New-York. 


DEDICATION. 


The  Subscriber,  with  pride  and  with  plea- 
sure, dedicates  the  following  Reports  to  the 
Police  Magistrates  of  this  city.  He  takes  this 
opportunity  of  acknowledging,  that  he  has  re- 
ceived many  favours,  and  much  information 
from  those  gentlemen. 

He  would  also  tender  his  thanks  to  Messrs. 
Stevens  and  Townsend,  (clerks  in  the  Police 
Department,)  both  of  whom  have  rendered  im- 
portant services  to  the  Subscriber. 

The  Captains  of  the  Watch,  and  the  Watch- 
men themselves,  have  likewise  rendered  the 
Subscriber  very  material  aid;  they  have  his 
thanks. 

JOHN  B.  SRILLMAN. 


PREFACE. 


Custom,  all-prevailing  custom,  hath  decreed,  that  aPREF ace 
shall  accompany,  (as  a  sort  of  pioneer,)  every  original  work  or 
compilation,  which  issues  from  the  press.  Whether  it  imparts 
wisdom,  wit,  or  folly,  still,  a  preface  is  requisite. 

Many  of  the  following  "Polices,"  have  never  been  pub- 
lished before.  To  those  who  would  wish  to  know  why  I 
pubhsh  these  "  Polices  "  in  a  volume,  I  would  answer,  1st,  It 
is  by  request.  2d,  The  Polices  will  exhibit  to  the  public  the 
arts  and  devices  which  are  resorted  to  by  the  idle  and  iniqui- 
tous. 3d,  I  have  been  infonned  that  these  "Polices"  will 
be  both  useful  and  amusing.  The  public  will  determine.  4th, 
Every  one,  no  doubt,  has  heard  of  the  Spanish  Epitaph.  The 
following  is  a  translation. 

"  I  was  well, 
I  wish'd  to  be  better, 
I  took  medicine, 
And, 
Here  I  am." 

I  can  say  of  myself, 

I  was  well, 
I  wish'd  to  be  better, 
I  embarked  in  an  expensive  and  hazardous  business, 
And, 
Here  I  am, 
With  pockets 
M.  T. 


POLICE  REPORTS. 


Police, — Half  past  Four,  a.m. — July  31. 
Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

Black  spirits  and  white, 

Red  spirits  and  grey, 
Mingle,  mingle,  mingle, 

You  that  mingle  may. — Shdks, 

William  Jones,  (a  coloured  boy,)  brought  up  for  . 

Magistrate.  What  have  you  to  say  for  yourself  ? 
Prisoner.  Nothin'. 

M.  Have  you  ever  been  in  the  watch-house  before  ? 
P.  Yes. 

M.  Have  you  ever  been  in  the  Penitentiary  ? 
P.  Oyes. 

M.  How  long  were  you  there  ? 
P.  Four  months. 

M.  Did  you  serve  the  term  out  for  which  you  were  sen- 
tenced ? 

P.  Me  ?  (scornfully)  To  be  sure  I  did  !  I  served  my  time 
out  like  a  man  .' 


10 

M.  You  will  probably  have  a  chance  of  displaying  your 
manly  qualities  again  in  the  same  place.  [Committed  to 
Bridewell.] 

John  Duffy,  and  his  wife,  an  interesting  woman,  (that  is, 
she  might,  by  a  little  stretch  of  the  imagination,  pass  for  the 
Witch  of  Endor,  had  become  belligerents,  instead  of  leading 
a  peaceable  life,  as  they  had  promised  each  to  the  other,  and 
to  the  parson,  "  many  a  time  and  oft."  John  Duffy,  as  may 
be  deduced  from  the  foregoing,  is  no  Socrates,  although  he 
might  fancy  himself  in  the  possession  of  a  modern  Xantippe. 
John  repelled  encroachments  by  encroaching,  and  hard 
knocks  by  a  "  knock  down."  In  a  word,  John  proved  him- 
self the  lion  of  the  day.    John  was  committed  to  Bridewell. 

Bill  Seaman,  14  or  15  years  of  age,  and  of  ebony  hue,  had 

absconded  from  his  master,  a  respectable  butcher.  Mr.  

was  in  the  habit  of  taking  a  nap  in  the  afternoon,  before  he 
went  to  sleep  at  night.  Bill  was  in  the  habit  of  wearing  habits 
and  eating  edibles  at  his  master's  expense  ;  and  was  like^vise 
in  the  habit  of  easing  his  master,  (kind,  considerate  soul,)  of 
that  which  was,  in  days  of  yore,  and  is  in  modern  times,  con- 
sidered "  the  root  of  all  evil."  Bill,  even  at  that  tender  age 
when  children  move  like  snail  to  school,  was  a  kind  of  a  Little 
John,  or  Bardolph — i.e.  he  was  suspected  of  being  a  robber  by 
some,  and  of  having  a  propensity  to  stealing  by  others.  His 
master,  however,  undertook  that  which  turned  out  to  be  more 
than  a  Herculean  task — the  business  of  reclaiming  this  de- 
scendant  of  some  Prince  of  Congo.    Bill  had  stolen  from  his 


11 


master,  first  and  last,  about  $250.  His  system  was  not  pre- 
cisely a  lottery  system,  and  yet  it  was  a  system  of  drawing. 
Bill's  master  had  a  pocket-book  that  was  ever  lined  with  bank 
bills,  (something  of  a  phenomenon  now-a-days,)  of  various 
denominations  and  value.  Bill  was  in  the  constant  practice 
of  taking  the  said  pocket-book  in  his  left  hand,  and  applying 
the  thumb  and  fore-finger  of  the  right  to  one  of  the  said  bank- 
bills,  and  then — draw.  By  this  means,  this  "  minion  of  the 
moon"  drew  considerable — sometimes  a  3,  sometimes  a  5, 
and  sometimes  a  10  dollar  bill.  It  frequently  happens,  how- 
ever, that  Fortune  does  not  always  favour  the  adventurous, 
and  Bill,  unluckily,  as  he  considered  it,  no  doubt,  drew  a  1  dol- 
lar bill ;  whereupon  he  exclaimed,  "open.  Sesame !"  and  drew 
$15.  Bill  is  now  drawing  what  little  air  he  can  get  through 
the  grates  of  Bridewell. 

James  Donnell,  as  sooty  as  Vulcan,  although  in  all  proba- 
bility he  had  never  heard  of  Mount  iEtna,  was  brought  before 
the  Magistrate.  James  Donnell,  Gent.,  has  no  clothes,  nor 
any  money,  and  lives  no  where. — Has  no  wife  nor  any  family 
for  aught  he  knows.  He  was  escorted  to  the  Penitentiary, 
for  the  benefit  of  his  health  and  society. 

Mary  Holland,  with  a  black  eye,  smutty  face,  and  rummy 
breath,  as  hot  as  Vesuvius,  entered  with  a  courtesy. 
Magistrate.  Were  you  ever  here  before  ? 
Prisoner.  I  was  here  wid  your  honour  long  before. 
M.  Have  you  a  home  ? 
P.  Yes,  your  honour. 


12 


M.  Methinka  you  had  no  home  last  night. 

P.  Yes,  no,  your  honour,  (with  a  smile  that  was  intended 
to  be  bewitching,)  I  knew  no  better  last  night. 

M.  Why  are  you  in' this  plight  ? 

P.  My  husband  hates  me. 

M.  Why  does  your  husband  beat  you  ? 

P.  Why,  your  honour,  I  takes  a  draj)  of  liquor,  I  don't 
deny  that. 

M.  Have  you  any  money,  Mary  1 

P.  Not  a  cint,  your  honour. 

M.  Will  you  go  home  and  conduct  yourself  properly,  if  I 
discharge  you  ? 

P.  O,  no,  your  honour,  I  can't  think  of  it. 

[Committed  to  the  Penitentiary  for  safe  keeping.] 

Henry  Edmonson,  a  mulatto,  and  somewhat  prepossessing 
in  his  manners  and  appearance,  had  been  found,  like  the  dog 
in  the  fable,  in  bad  company,  (as  he  alleged.)  A  watchman 
testified  that  Edmonson  with  others  had  thrown  stones  at  him. 

Prisoner.  You  can't  prove  it  ? 

Magistrate.  It  is  proved,  and  you  must  go  to  Bridewell. 

P.  I  don't  wish  to  go,  I  never  have  been  in  Bridewell.  [Ed- 
monson plead  his  cause  well.  His  words  were  fluent,  and  his 
looks  discoursed  eloquence.  But  then  there  were  "damning 
proofs"  against  him.    He  was  committed.] 

Another  new  method  devised  to  make  money. — There  are 
persons  prowling  about  our  streets  at  night,  for  the  purpose 
of  robbing  those  who  are  returning  home  from  parties,  the 


13 


theatres,  &c. — They  go  in  squads  of  three  or  four — tliey 
espy  a  gentleman  ahead — all,  suddenly,  pretend  to  be  drunk 
— they  rush  against  the  gentleman — he  steps  aside,  imagining 
they  were  what  they  seemed  to  be,  i.  e.  persons  in  a  state  of 
inebriation, — one  of  the  squad  follows  the  gentleman,  and 
says,  "  you  have  insulted  me,  and  I'll  have  satisfaction  ! "  and 
at  the  same  time  commences  battle.  The  gentleman,  of 
course,  defends  himself.  The  others,  peaceable  souls,  rush 
in  to  make  peace. — They  succeed  after  considerable  difBculty. 
The  gentleman  walks  home,  and  lo !  his  watch  and  pocket 
book  are  missing. 

A  peep  into  Bridewell. — Alderman  Valentine  gave  us  an 
invitation,  which  was  accepted,  to  walk  into  this  den  of  va- 
grants, thieves,  robbers,  and  murderers.  Here  we  saw  young 
and  old,  white  and  black,  male  and  female.  Some  were  phy- 
sically sick,  while  others  were  sick  of  their  place  of  abode. 
Two  persons  are  now  confined  (whether  guilty  or  not  guilty,) 
whose  names  are  Johnson,  on  the  charge  of  murder.  We 
were  pleased  to  see  that  Testaments  were  provided  for  the 
prisoners,  and  we  were  likewise  pleased  to  see  that  many  of 
the  prisoners  were  engaged  in  reading  them.  Without  dero- 
gating from  the  merits  of  Alderman  Thorp  and  Mr.  See,  both 
of  whom  have  been  humane  and  faithful  public  servants,  we 
would  make  a  passing  remark,  that  Mr.  Skelhorn,  and  Mr. 
Egbert,  (successors  to  the  above  named  gentlemen,)  are  active 
and  vigilant  in  the  discharge  of  their  respective  duties. 


14 

Police, — August  1. 

Five  o'clock  in  the  morning — breezes  balmy. 
Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

Celia. — Here  comes  Monsieur  

Rosalind. — With  his  mouthful  of  news. 

Cel. — Which  he  will  put  on  us  as  pigeons  feed  their  young. 

jRoj. — Then  shall  we  be  news-craram'd. 

Cel. — AH  the  better — we  shall  be  more  marketable. 

Bon  jour  Monsieur  ,  what's  the  news  ? 

Le  Brun. — Fair  Princess,  you  have  lost  much  good  sport. 
Cel. — Sport?  Of  what  colour  ?  Shakespeare. 

William  Ward  worked  "  along  shore  " — is  a  kind  of  Bar- 
harossa,  inasmuch  as  he  has  a  red  beard  and  a  fierce  aspect — 
and  is  strongly  suspected  of  piratical  practices. — Committed. 

George  Lyons,  a  coloured  gentleman  has  changed  his  name 
without  the  consent  of  the  Legislature,  and  assumed  one 
which  he  conceived,  no  doubt,  to  be  more  poetical  and  sono- 
rous. He  now  goes  by  the  enviable  baptismal  name  and 
cognomen  of  Charles  Johnson.  Mr.  Johnson  had  been  in 
the  Penitentiary  a  few  weeks,  but  his  visit  was  not  as  long 
as  was  anticipated.  The  keeper  does  not  sleep,  as  may  be 
supposed,  with  one  eye  open,  and  Mr.  Johnson  took  advan- 
tage of  the  "  silent  night,"  and  gave  him  what  is  termed  in 
slang  phrase,  "  leg  bail."  Mr.  Johnson  has  an  enemy,  as 
it  would  seem,  in  the  shape  of  a  coloured  lady,  and  whose 
guise  is  somewhat  striking.  She  was  present  at  the  office. 
She  asserted,  he  repelled — she  argued,  he  replied — she  crimi- 


15 


nated,  he  recriminated  ;  but  the  woman  prevailed — her  tongue 
was  too  nimble  for  Mr.  Johnson.  He  was  re-sent  to  the 
Penitentiary. 

Francis  Silvia,  a  little  man  with  a  cadaverous  countenance 
and  dark  mustaches,  genteelly  ragged,  and  "  speaks  small 
like  a  women,"  was  complained  of  by  Miss  A. 

Magistrate.  What  is  Silvia's  offence  ? 

Miss  A,  He  burst  my  door  and  smashed  my  crockery. 

M.  Did  you,  Silvia,  perform  this  manly  feat  ? 

S.  Yes,  but  the  house  I  hired,  and  the  crockery  I  paid  for. 

Miss  A.  What  he  says  is  not  true ;  he  lived  in  the  house 
with  a  lady  who  protected  him,  and  whom  he  was  pleased  to 
call  his  wife — but  she  was  too  good  to  be  his  wife. 

M.  Protected  him !  You  mean  he  protected  her. 

3Iiss  A.  No,  sir,  (blushing  like  an  evening  sun,)  she  pro- 
tected him,  and  protected  him  too,  for  years,  until  he  became 
so  bad  she  would  have  nothing  more  to  do  with  him.  (The 
Magistrate  expressed  his  astonishment,  and  the  Reporter  bit 
his  lip,  but  did  not  laugh.) 

M.  Silvia,  I  shall  provide  you  with  other  protection. 

S.  Very  good.  It  don't  make  any  difference  to  me,  pro- 
vided I  am  well  protected. 

G.  W.  S  ,  a  married  man,  who  was  in  the  habit  of  dis- 
guising himself,  sometimes  with  distilled  waters,  and  some- 
times with  a  big  hat,  was  introduced.  Mr.  G.  W.  S.  is  well 
known  to  our  watchmen  in  general,  and  to  the  Cyprian  ladies 
of  this  city  in  particular.    He  was  caught  at  No.  —  Anthony- 


16 


street.  Previously  to  his  incarceration  in  the  black  hole,  he 
whispered  audibly  that  "he  did  not  care  a  d — n  for  a  watch- 
man, nor  for  any  one  else."  An  interesting  little  lady  (not 
his  wife,)  with  a  twinitling  eye,  and  what  Cobbett  would 
probably  call  a  ruta  haga  nose,  that  is,  a  turn-up,  was  deter- 
mined to  try  the  force  and  value  of  her  silvery  tones.  They 
proved  to  be  all-powerful,  and  Mr.  G.  W.  S.  was  discharged 
on  his  parole  of  honour  that  his  conduct  hereafter  should  be 
that  of  a  decent  citizen.  A  highly  respectable  looking  gentle- 
man called  a  few  minutes  after,  and  acknowledged  with  grief, 
that  Mr.  G.  W.  S.  was  his  son. 

Julia  Smith  was  complained  of  by  her  neighbours  for  disor- 
derly conduct — i.  e.  she  was  ambitious  of  making  a  noise  in 
the  world.  She  came  from  the  same  continent  which  gave 
birth  to  Cleopatra,  and  were  it  not  for  her  flat  nose,  might 
pass  for  a  descendant  of  that  famous  and  voluptuous  queen. 
She  poured  forth  what  a  poet  would  terra  "  honeyed  words," 
and  her  tears  were  "all  prevailing."  She  was  discharged  on 
parole. 

Margaret  Ferguson  complained  of  Henry  Ferguson,  her 
husband,  for  striking  her  on  her  shoulder. 
Magistrate.  Did  you  strike  your  wife  1 
Prisoner.  I  did,  but  then  I  had  cause. 
M.  What  cause  ? 

P.  I  caught  her  setting  on  a  man's  knee. 

M.  I  presume  it  was  not  a  very  agreeable  discovery. 

P.  Agreeable  !  I  can  tell  you  it  was  any  thing  but  agreea- 


17 


ble !  After  some  further  conversation  the  matter  was  drop- 
ped, and  the  parties  decamped. 

George  Riley,  a  coloured  man  and  a  sly  fellow,  and  it  may 
be  said  a  cunning  one  withal,  has  found  out  the  secret  of  dri- 
ving hogs — a  secret  hitherto  supposed  to  be  undiscoverable. 
Riley  was  performing  this  philosophic  experiment  at  about  2 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  in  the  most  secret  manner  possi- 
ble, when  his  principle  was  discovered  and  the  whole  theory 
blown,  by  one  of  those  night-walkers  commonly  called  watch- 
men. George  Riley,  the  philosopher  was  sent  to  Bridewell  to 
cogitate. 

Happy  Wood  is  not  very  happy,  having  very  little  to  eat  in 
the  summer,  and  no  wood  in  the  winter.  He  contrives,  how- 
ever, to  lead  a  tolerable  life — that  is  to  say,  "  he  keeps  his 
spirits  up  by  pouring  spirits  down." — Taken  care  of. 

Mary  Malony,  a  common  drunkard  about  the  streets,  was 
despatched  to  Bridewell,  and  her  child,  about  six  years  old, 
was  sent  to  the  Aims-House.  Mrs.  Malony  attempted  a  ruse, 
but  it  would  not  do  : — she  pinched  her  child  slily,  and  made 
him  cry,  hoping  by  that  means  to  make  "  Justice  break  her 
sword." 

Isaac  Decker  was  ushered  into  the  audience  (chamber  we 
came  near  saying)  cellar,  or  more  genteelly  speaking,  basement 
story.   Mr.  D.  is  pale :  no  crime.    Mr.  D.  is  old  :  old  age  is 

3 


18 


honourable. — Mr.  D.  is  given  to  liquor  (lick-her)  i,  c.  he 
drinks  rum  and  whips  his  wife  : — not  to  be  endured.  Mr.  D. 
was  ordered  to  be  committed.  He  remonstrated.  His  re- 
monstrance, to  use  a  parlimentary  phrase  on  ajudico-executive 
occasion,  was  laid  on  the  table. — Mr.  D.  in  all  probability  is 
in  Bridewell. 

Wm.  Briggs,  Thomas  Burges  (and  one  other  individual 
the  sound  of  Avhose  name  did  not  fall  upon  the  timbrel  of  our 
ear)  were  sent  to  Bridewell  on  the  charge  of  stealing  a  boat. 
These  worthies  were  gliding  about  like  so  many  gondoliers  on 
the  extended  and  beautiful  expanse  of  the  Naples-bay  of  A- 
merica  when  they  were  arrested.  This  trio  belongs  to  a  mu- 
sical club,  and  they  were  in  the  act  of  "  pitching  their  pipes" 
to  the  tune  of  the  "  bonny  boat,"  by  way  of  serenading 
the  water-craft.  The  arrest  was  somewhat  mal-appropos, 
and  rather  unexpected.  In  the  boat,  were  found  vinegar, 
sugar,  bread,  and  "  though  last,  not  least,"  a  well  replenished 
"  crooskeen  lawn,"  or  in  unpoetical  language,  a  jug  of  whiskey. 


19 


Police, — August  2. 

Half  past  4  o'clock  in  the  morning,  a  clear  sky,  and  refreshing  breezes 
from  the  West. 

Alderman  Valentine,  Present, 

What's  the  matter?  Have  we  devils  here  ? 

Do  you  put  tricks  upon  us  with  savages  and  men  of  Inde  ? 

Stephano. 

Mrs.  Mary  Ann  Lee  "  laved "  the  "  sea-girt "  isle  some 
iew  years  ago.  Were  Mrs.  Lee  to  lave  in  Hudson's  river, 
no  one  would  say  it  was  "  a-mdss."  Mrs.  Lee's  person  and 
apparel  are  somewhat  begrimraed  ;  but  then  she  might  ex- 
claim, in  the  language  of  one  of  the  heroes  of  "  the  immortal 
bard, "  "  that's  my  humour  !  "  Mrs.  Lee  was  discovered  in 
the  kind,  considerate,  and  humane  act,  of  administering  to  the 


20 

comforts  of  Mr.  Wm.  R.  a  gentleman  recently  arrived  here, 
and  a  son  of  John  Bull.  Her  mode  of  doing  all  this  was  by 
thrusting  her  hand  into  his  pockets.  Mr.  R.  was  enjoying 
himself,  all  the  while,  in  his  own  peculiar  way,  (after  having 
swallowed  a  comfortable  soporific,  called  brandy  and  water, 
rum  and  water,  and  gin  and  water,)  by  taking  what  is  called 
by  persons  of  education  and  refinement,  a  "  snoose."  The 
earth  was  his  pillow,  the  sky  his  canopy.  Mrs.  Lee  has 
a  brother  who  works  "along  shore,"  and  who  on  this  par- 
ticular occasion,  was  good  enough  to  disburden  Mr.  R.  of  his 
hat,  papers,  (fee,  and  £14  in  British  gold.  Mrs.  L.  is  in 
Bridewell,  and  her  brother  will  probably  soon  be  there  to 
keep  her  company. 

T  s  W  s  made  his  bow  in  front  of  the  iron  railing. 

Mr.  T.  W.'s  countenance  was  all  suffused  with  blushes — i.  e. 
his  face  was  red,  and  his  nose,  (Christopher  what  a  nose  !) 
looked  as  if  it  had  been  dipped  in  Tyrean  die.  It  was  an 
ornamental,  or  rather  an  ornamented  nose,  and  might  vie 
with  the  far-famed  and  classical  nose  of  the  man  of  Strasburg, 
or  even  with  the  proboscis  of  Falstaff's  man  himself,  of  uni- 
versal notoriety. 

Magistrate.  Mr.  W  ,  your  conduct  last  night  was 

highly  reprehensible. 

Prisoner.  I  know  it  was  bad  conduct  sir. 

M.  What  was  the  cause  of  it  ? 

P.  Sir,  I  had  a  little  too  much  steam  aboard,  I  believe. 
M.  You  believe  !  and  I  believe  you  have  been  here  before. 
P.  I-I-I  believe  I  have ;  but  if  you'll  let  me  go  this  time, 
I'll  take  good  care  not  to  trouble  you  again. 


31 


M.  Have  you  a  family  ? 
P.  No,  sir. 

M.  What  business  do  you  follow  ? 

P.  I  am  a  mason.  (Whether  the  prisoner  is  a  Morgan 
mason  or  a  brick  and  mortar  mason,  we  did  not  ascertain.) 

M.  It  is  a  pity  that  such  a  respectable  looking  man  should 
be  brought  here.  You  say  you  will  not  trouble  me  any  more. 
I  hope  you  will  not ;  if  you  do  it  will  go  hard  with  you. 
Officer  let  this  man  depart. 

John  Woolsey  broke  open  Miss  Eliza  B  's  trunk.  Miss 

Eliza  lives  at  No.  —  Catharine-slip — puts  lodgers  to  bed — 
sometimes  quite  a  number  in  an  evening.  Put  John  Woolsey 
to  bed ;  in  return  for  said  kindness,  said  John  made  free  with 
Miss  Eliza's  choicest  habiliments.  John  has  been  to  Sing 
Sing — he  made  an  excursion  there  once — he  will  probably 
repeat  his  visit.  He  is  now  inhaling  atmospheric  air  in  that 
celebrated  and  hospitable  mansion  called  Bridewell. 

Jasper  Smith,  about  17,  brought  up  for  creating  a  mob  in 
Hudson-street.  Master  Jasper  is  something  of  a  roving  sprig 
(after  night  fall,)  and  plays  ten-pins,  and  possesses  considera- 
ble forensic  eloquence.  Master  Jasper  promised  to  walk 
peaceably  and  uprightly. 

Mrs.  Sweeney  has  no  house,  no  home — her  husband  is  in 
the  hospital — slipped  out  of  an  alley  under  rather  suspicious 
circumstances — drinks  too  much,  people  say  so.  Mrs.  D. 
was  escorted  to  Bridewell  in  the  most  "  purlite  and  genteel  " 
manner  possible. 


22 


John.  Devoe,  long  beard,  no  clothes,  no  money,  no  friends, 
no  bail.    We  leave  our  readers  to  guess  his  fate. 

Mr.  Hopper,  Gent,  and  Mr,  Pulis,  Gent,  had  a  trifling  mis- 
understanding— settled. 

A  child,  about  eight  years  old,  brought  in.  Has  no  father, 
no  mother,  no  home.    Taken  care  of. 

Susan  Conly,  Angelina  Raff,  and  Ellen  Bleeker,  (frail  and 
fair)  were  introduced.  It  appears  that  a  gentleman  racently^ 
from  the  Emeral  Isle,  and  more  racently  from  a  sister  city 
sometimes  termed  Philimedelphie,  stopped  in  a  grocery  store 
kept  by  one  or  all  of  the  above  ladies,  jist  to  take  a  drop,  and 
took  a  drop  too  much.  He  naturally  sunk  into  the  arms  of  Mur- 
phy, (Morpheus.)  When  our  friend  from  Kilkenny  awoke 
he  found  that  his  beautiful  little  breast  pin  was  missing ;  that 
his  money  (amounting  to  $20)  had  taken  to  itself  wings  and 
had  flown ;  and  that  his  watch,  instead  of  ticking  for  its  law- 


23 

ful  owner,  was  now  ticking  for  one  of  the  ladies,  and  by  con- 
sequence, he  himself  was  under  the  necessity  of  going  on 
tick.    The  ladies  were  sent  to  Bridewell. 

Walter  Maze  was  considerably  amazed  at  finding  himself 
in  a  watch  house,  and  in  the  presence  of  a  police  magistrate. 

Magistrate.  Do  you  know  what  you  were  brought  here 
for? 

Prisoner.  No,  sir. 

M.  Where  you  ever  in  the  Penitentiary  ? 
P.  No,  sir. 

M.  Where  did  you  obtain  that  Penitentiary  looking  shirt, 
and  those  striped  pantaloons  ? 
P.  I  bought  'em,  sir. 
M.  Where? 
P.  I  don't  know,  sir. 

M.  How  came  you  on  Mr.  premises  last  night  ? 

P.  I  was  high,  sir. 

M.  Yes,  so  high  that  you  were  caught  upon  the  top  of  his 
house.  [The  prisoner  endeavoured  to  assume  a  look  of 
humility.]    What  were  you  doing  there  ? 

P.  Nothin\  sir. 

M.  It  appears  to  me  you  took  a  great  deal  of  pains  to  do 
nothing.  Committed. 


24 


Police, — August  3. 

Half  p&st  4,  in  the  morning — wind  blowing  "fresh  and  strong"  from 
the  north. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

Thus  do  all  traitors : 

If  their  purgation  did  consist  in  words. 

They  are  as  innocent  as  grace  itself. — Sraks. 

Zachariah  Goss  (looks  like  a  goose  without  feathers)  got 
out  of  genteel  habiliments — was  out  of  shirts  and  pantaloons, 
and  his  coat  was  out  at  the  elbows.  Mr.  Goss  turned  his 
fingers  into  hooks,  and  hooked  a  tolerable  stock  of  wearing 
apparel ;  but  unluckily  for  Mr.  G.  he  was  caught  by  one 
who  did  not  admire  the  system  of  "  touch  and  takeV  Mr. 
G.  came  to  York  in  the  Independence,  and  was  "  walked  off" 
to  a  place  where  his  independence  will  be  somewhat  abridged. 

Harriet  S  ,  like  Niobe  all  in  tears,  and  with  an  aspi- 
ring nose,  was  ushered  in.    Miss  S  threw  a  brick  bat  at 

Mr.  B  ,  and  hit  him  on  the  temple.    How  she  missed  his 

nose  no  one  knows.  It  is  said  that  Julius  Caesar  had  a  famous 
nose  ;  but  if  his  nose  protruded  more  than  Mr.  B's  nose,  we 
give  it  as  our  passing  opinion  that  when  this  celebrated  gene- 
ral was  about  passing  the  Rubicon,  his  feet  must  have  been 
planted  on  one  bank,  whilst  his  nose  was  snuffing  the  breezes 
on  the  other.    Miss  S.  was  committed. 

Job  Ellis  has  something  betwixt  a  Penitentiary  look  and  a 
hanging  one.  It  is  a  kind  of  a  Sing  Sing  look.  Job  says 
he  met  a  stranger  who  was  so  kind  as  to  give  him  $50.  This 


25 


was  considered  a  kind  of  fish  story.  The  fellow  in  the  play 
M'as  "  main  ignorant,"  but  then  he  was  "  willing  to  lam." 
Job  is  "  main  ignorant,"  and  is  "  woi  willing  to  larn."  Most 
people  know  a  "  thing  or  two."  Job  only  knows  one  thing, 
Mr.  Job  Ellis  knows  that  his  head  is  on  his  upper  end. — 
Bridewell. 

J.  A.  S.  and  S.  W.  "  pulled  and  hauled  "  two  females,  and 
turned  a  pail.  Watchmen  appeared — whereupon  the  above 
gents  turned  pale.    Looking  for  bail. 

John  Lax  has  no  affection  for  locks — was  drunk  a  little  last 
night — plead  hard — promised  much — departed  on  parole. 

James  Ackerman  Avas  discovered  selling  goods  which 
belonged  to  a  merchant  in  this  city.  Mr.  J.  A.  had  no  com- 
mission— committed. 

Winslow  Baxter  struck  his  wife  in  a  most  brutal  manner. 
Was  sent  to  Bridewell  without  ceremony. 

Andrew  Shippy,  John  Hamilton  and  Phibs  Brown,  two 
"  Calibans  "  and  one  "  rare  monster  "  discovered  lying  in  an 
open  lot.    Taken  care  of. 

Mungo  Thomas  scorched  Amelia  Roberts.  Mungo  (judg- 
ing from  his  interesting  eastern  dialect,  his  sugar  loaf  brow, 
expanded  nostril,  spacious  mouth,  from  hear  to  hear,  as  a 
a  cockney  would  say,  and  beautifully  turned  and  crescent- 

4 


26 


like  shins,  came  from  that  region  which  lies  between  the 
pyramids  and  Hottentot.  Mungo  was  probably  named  after 
the  celebrated  traveller,  but  let  that  pass.  Mungo's  method 
of  scorching  is  not  exactly  a  new  method,  and  yet  it  is  a 
method  unique.  Not  to  keep  our  readers  in  suspense,  for 
that  we  hold  to  be  unnecessary ;  and  not  to  be  verbose,  ver- 
bosity being  the  mar-all  of  all  wit,  as  "  brevity  is  the  soul  of 
wit,"  we  will  come  to  the  point  (pint.)  Our  modern  Mungo 
had  a  pint  pitcher — in  the  said  pitcher  he  had  put  a  pint  of 
vitriol !  He  met  Miss  Amelia,  and  did  on  her  pitch  the  con- 
tents of  the  pitch-er.  Amelia  is  scorched  and  Mungo  is  roast- 
ing in  Bridewell. 

A  Man  and  a  Woman  called  at  the  Police  Office  to  com- 
plain against  another  Man  and  Woman. — We  shall  distin- 
guish the  parties,  by  way  of  being  more  perspicuous,  1st  and 
3nd.  It  appeared  in  evidence  that  the  2nd  party  keeps  a 
"poor"  boarding  house,  and  that  they  have  a  "  weekly"  din- 
ner— viz.  they  contrive  to  have  a  dinner  for  their  boarders 
once  a  week!  To  proceed  in  our  narrative — the  first  party 
were  servants  in  the  employ  of  the  second  party — the  1st  par- 
ty had  money,  the  2d  had  none.  The  2d  party  wished  to 
feast  upon  a  turkey  one  day,  and  not  knowing  how  to  "  raise 
the  wind"  precisely,  hit  upon  the  expedient  of  sending  the  1st 
party  about  town  and  to  pawn  brokers'  shops  to  dispose  of  or 
pledge  a  number  of  silver  spoons.  The  female  to  whom  the 
spoons  were  entrusted  not  liking  the  business,  and  supposing, 
too,  that  she  might  be  suspected  by  strangers  of  having  sto- 
len them,  went  to  a  gentleman  in  —  street,  for  advice.  She 


27 


set  forth  that  she  had  some  little  money  of  her  own,  (which 
she  had  earned  by  hard  labour)  and  that  she  would  rather 
make  the  advance  required  than  subject  herself  to  the  hard 
thoughts  of  the  invidious  and  uncharitable.  The  gentleman 
advised  her  under  all  the  circumstances  to  make  the  advance 
and  retain  the  spoons — She  followed  his  advice — Mark  the  se- 
quel. Unfortunately  a  misunderstanding  subsequently  took 
place  between  the  parties  concerned. — The  1st  party  were 
dismissed — They  sought  refuge  and  employment  elsewhere — 
They  obtained  both  ;  but  they  were  followed  by  the  persecu- 
tions of  their  former  employers.  The  unfortunate  couple 
were  represented  as  having  embezzled  the  property  of  their 
previous  employers.  The  consequence  was,  that  they  were 
again  dismissed  ;  and  that  they  are  liable  to  be  hunted  down 
by  their  unprincipled  and  heartless  pursuers.  They  are  too 
poor  to  prosecute  for  damages,  and  therefore  are  obliged  to 
submit  to  every  species  of  degradation  and  misery.  The 
above  is  a  case  that  does  not  fall  under  the  supervision  of  the 
Police  department ;  but  Justice  Wyman  gave  it  as  his  opin- 
ion that  the  individuals  aggrieved,  ought  to  excite  the  sympa- 
thies and  good  feelings  of  the  charitable  and  just.  He  further- 
more stated  that  in  case  any  person  or  persons  thought  pro- 
per to  asperse  their  characters  hereafter,  that  they  might  re- 
fer to  him.  He  concluded  by  saying  that  the  case  in  question 
was  the  most  aggravated  one  that  had  for  a  long  time  come 
under  his  observation. 


28 


Police, — August  4. 

Half  past  4  in  the  morning — wind  blowing  fresh  from  the  east,  and  rainy. 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

Here's  neither  bush  nor  shrub,  to  bear  off  any  weather  at  all,  and  an- 
other storm  brewing ;  I  hear  it  sing  i'  th'  wind  :  yond'  same  black  cloud, 
yond'  huge  one,  looks  like  a  foul  bombard  that  would  shed  his  liquor. 

Trinculo. 

Ann  Jones  looked  like  a  •western  queen ;  graceful — loqua- 
cious— intelligent :  Ann  has  an  elegantly  turned  person — her 
tones  are  silvery  and  musical,  and  her  complexion  is  that  of 
the  setting  sun.    Ann  is  a  Squaw!!! 

Magistrate.  Where  did  you  come  from? 

Prisoner.  From  Patchague. 

M.  What  are  you  doing  in  New- York  ? 

P.  Me  ?  I'm  not  in  New-York  ! 

M.  Not  in  New-York !  Where  are  you  ?  (The  prisoner 
simpered  sweetly  and  said  nothing.)  Where  are  you  going 
to? 

P.  To  look  for  my  husband. 

M.  Why  do  you  and  such  as  you  come,  to  the  city —  get 
drunk  and  violate  the  laws — and  put  the  city  to  expense  ? 

P.  Drunk  !  I  never  was  drunk  ! 

Captain  of  the  Watch.  She's  drunk  now,  Sir ! 

M.  If  I  let  you  go,  will  you  go  home  and  conduct  yourself 
properly  ? 

P.  I  will,  Sir. 

M.  Officer,  let  her  go. 


29 


A  R  ,  and  F  /  ,  two  white  young  men, 

piously  given,  as  they  would  fain  make  the  Magistrate  believe, 
entered  a  house  in  Elizabeth-street,  where  coloured  people 
worship.  The  religious  zeal. of  this  pure  and  saint-like  brace 
was  such,  that  it  went  ahead  of  any  thing  that  was  ever  heard 
of  before.  The  age  of  the  crusades  could  not  furnish  a  para- 
lel — the  days  of  the  martyrs  will  be  as  nothing  on  the  histo- 
rical page — and  the  deeds  of  the  puritans  will  sink  into  insig- 
nificance, by  a  comparison  with  those  of  the  above  sprigs  of 
religion  and  morality.  When  the  parson,  the  elders,  the  dea- 
con, and  members  of  the  church  were  engaged  in  prayer,  Mr. 
R.  and  Mr.  I.  sung  psalms — when  the  above  fraternity  sung 
psalms,  our  heroes  prayed  audibly — and  at  every  period  of  the 
sermon  Amen .'  was  responsed  in  a  stentorian-like  manner. — 
Considered  too  good — sent  to  Bridewell. 

Ant)  I  ,  an  old,  and  strange  as  it  may  appear,  a  volun- 
teer customer.  Mistress  Ann  is  a  kind  of  intinerant,  feminine 
Cyclops — i.  e.  she  has  one  eye,  and  but  one  eye,  and  chants 
the  solo  "  I've  been  roaming." 

Magistrate.  Where  do  you  live  ? 

Prisoner.  Up  the  river. 

M.  Where  have  you  been  ? 

P.  Over  the  river. 

M.  WTiy  there  ?  and  wherefore  here  ? 
P.  I  went  there  to  see  my  cousin. 
M.  A  cozening  concern. 

P .  And  I  came  here  because  the  watchman  was  very  civil 
to  me  and  invited  me  here  to  spend  the  evening — (a  smile — 
omnes.) 


30 


M.  What  do  you  follow  for  a  living? 
P.  Me? 
M.  Yes  you. 

P.  I  sell  barks,  and  roots,  and  yarbs. 

M.  What  quantity  have  you  of  these  things  ? 

P.  O  quite  a  quantity. 

M.  What  do  you  call  quite  a  quantity  ? 

P.  A  good  deal. 

M.  How  much  is  a  good  deal  ? 

P.  Quite  considerable. 

M.  Is  it  a  cart  load  ? 

P.  Ono. 

M.  Your  answers  are  quite  satisfactory  ! 
P.  I  hope  so  sir. 

M.  Will  you  go  home  if  I  let  you  go  ? 

P.  Yes,  sir,  as  soon  as  I  sell  my  yarbs. 

M.  Well  go  and  sell  your  yarbs,  as  you  call  them,  as  soon 
as  possible  and  then  go  home  ;  and  don't  let  me  see  you  here 
again. 

A  Jonathan  and  a  Pat  declared  war,  one  against  the  other. 
Previously  to  their  becoming  open  and  avowed  belligerents 
and  candidates  for  fame,  there  was  carried  on  a  war  of  words, 
somethins;  like  that  which  has  been  maintained  between  the 
Czar  of  Moscow  and  the  Sublime  Porte.  There  were  threats 
and  defiances  ;  demands  and  refusals ;  encroachments  and  re- 
pulsions ;  marches  and  countermarches.  The  campaign  was 
opened  at  last,  and  a  battle  was  fought.  It  was  a  Cossack-like 
fight,  i.  e.  it  was  a  running  fight.    It  was  a  hard  fight  too, 


31 


for  one  of  the  high  contending  parties  (like  a  certain  warrior 
of  yore)  brought  to  his  aid  a  stone,  but  he  did  not  use  a  sling. 
Pat,  although  he  came  from  the  same  country  that  gave  birth 
to  the  conqueror  of  Bonaparte,  did  not  possess  the  skill  of  a 
Wellington,  or  the  prowess  of  an  Ajax.  Pat  displayed  sci- 
ence— Jonathan  confounded  with  originality  of  design.  Pat 
is  a  kind  of  Cond^  ;  Jonathan  would  remind  one  of  the  Mar- 
shal Turenne.  Turenne  stopped  Cond^ — Jonathan  put  a  stop- 
per on  Pat. — After  considerable  negociation  the  parties  sign- 
ed preliminaries  of  peace. 


Police, — August  5. 

Half  past  four  o'clock  in  the  morning — wind  East,  and  cloudy. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

"  He  made  her  melancholy,  sad,  and  heavy. 
And  so  she  died :  had  she  been  light,  like  you. 
Of  such  a  merry,  nimble,  stirring  spirit. 
She  might  have  been  a  grandam  ere  she  died — 
And  so  may  you — for  a  light  heart  lives  long." 

A  woman  was  brought  up  who  has  no  name  (as  the  fellow 
in  the  farce  said,  "  perhaps  her  father  was  poor,  and  could'nt 
aflbrd  to  give  her  a  name.")  She  is  recognized,  however, 
sometimes  by  the  ostler-like  cognomen  of  Farrier — some- 
times by  the  sportsman-like  name  of  Tarrier — but  most  com- 
monly by  the  appellation  of  Mrs.  Tarry.  Mrs.  Tarry  is  in 
the  practice  of  sipping — not  of  the  waters  of  Helicon,  but  of 
the  waters  of  vie,  (I'eau  de  vie) — and  she  is  likewise  in  the 


32 


practice  of  taking  up  her  lodgings  where  she  has  plenty  of 
room  and  night  air.  Mrs.  Tarry  tarries  in  the  streets — does 
nothing — is  suspected  of  filching.  Need  we  tell  our  readers 
where  Mrs.  Tarry  now  tarries  ?  No  !  we  will  leave  them  to 
wander  in  the  mazes  of  conjecture,  and  revel  in  the  blissful- 
ness  of  fancy ! 

John  Taylor  belongs  to  the  Navy — got  a  furlough — staid  in 
New- York  too  long.  R.  H.  N.  ordered  him  to  return  to  his 
duty — would'nt  go. 

Magistrate.  Why  did  you  not  go  to  your  duty  when  you 
were  ordered  so  to  do  ? 

Prisoner.  I  don't  know. 

M.  You  were  drunk. 

P.  Yes,  sir,  I  was  drunk  and  crazy  both — I  had  been  drink- 
ing different  kinds  of  liquor — otherwise  I  should  have  gone. 
I  am  willing  to  go  now. 

R.  II.  N.  No,  no  ;  I  want  him  sent  to  Bridewell.  I'll  pay 
the  fees. 

P.  T  did  not  know  what  I  was  saying — I  am  sorry — I  am 
willing  to  go  aboard-ship  and  do  my  duty. 

R.  H.  N.  No  I  want  you  sent  to  Bridewell. 

M.  Come,  come,  don't  display  a  persecuting  disposition; 
the  man  is  sorry  for  what  he  did,  and  is  wilHng  to  do  his  duty. 
I  shall  not  send  him  to  Bridewell.  (Exit.) 

Mary  L  ,  an  interesting  girl,  19  years  of  age,  and  re- 
cently from  the  country,  was  examined — she  was  suspected  of 
being  a  thief.    She  was  arrested  under  rather  odd  circumstan- 


33 


ces,  and  after  a  patient  examination  on  the  part  of  the  Magis- 
trate, was  declared  innocent.  Mary  has  made  a  sacrifice  to 
society,  or  rather  she  was  compelled  to  make  a  sacrifice, 
(inasmuch  as  she  was  locked,  for  a  time  in  Bridewell  on 
suspicion,)  which  ought,  no  doubt,  to  appease  any  angry  feel- 
ing and  animadversion  against  her.  Mary  was  discharged. 
Whether  she  be  innocent  or  not,  is  not  our  province  to  deter- 
mine ;  suffice  it  to  say,  that  the  presiding  Magistrate  enter- 
tained the  opinion  that  she  was  not  guilty. 

G         S         Esq.  had  been  at  the  fire.    Mr.  G.  S.  is  an 

imperious  kind  of  character,  and  a  considerable  warrior,  and 
turns  up  his  "  honourable  nose"  and  gives  battle,  sans  cere- 
monie,  to  those  who  encroach  upon  him  either  positively  or 
by  implication.  Mr.  G.  S.  after  having  fatigued  himself  ex- 
cessively by  looking  on  and  doing  nothing,  stooped  himself  and 
sat  himself  down  upon  a  stoop.  "Mortal  man"  sometimes 
"  stoops  to  conquer."  Such,  however,  did  not  precisely  turn 
out  to  be  the  fact  with  regard  to  our  hero.  Our  gentleman  had 
not  been  seated  long  (his  eyes  fixed  upon  the  "milky  way"  all 
the  while,  and  his  mouth  whistling  what  might  by  a  forced 
construction  be  termed  the  tune  of  "All's  well")  when  he  M'as 
suddenly  joined  in  the  chorus  by  one  who  could  emulate  the 
fife  in  loudness  and  sweetness.  After  the  duet  was  ended,  the 
stranger  took  his  seat  by  the  side  of  Mr.  G.  S.  Mr.  G.  S.  turn- 
ed his  eyes  towards  the  stranger,  and  to  his  indescribable  and 
unutterable  horror,  discovered  what  was  (in  the  language  of 
Mr.  G.  S.)  a — big  Nigger — 

5 


84 


"  IVatehman.   Halloo — what  are  you  about  1 " — pafe  3S> 


G.  S.  Thou  sable  monster,  what  dost  thou  here  ? 

Nigger.  Noddin,  whistlin. 

G.  S.  Nod-din  !  I'll  make  your  head  "  nod" — and  a  "  din" 
about  your  ears,  if  you  don't  go  about  your  business — you 
d — d  barbarian. 

N.  Wha,  wha,  wha. 

G.  S,  Go  about  your  business. 

N.  I  can't. 

G.  S.  You  can't !  why  can't  you  ? 
JV.  My  inclinations  won't  let  me. 
G.  S.  I'll  give  you  a  pumellivg. 


as 


N.  How  do  you  know ! 
G.  S.  Take  that. 
N.  Take  iliat. 

[A  square  off — roll  up  sleeves — a  regular  set-too — down 
went  the  Nigger — up  again,  as  quick  as  a  peice  of  a  sturgeon's 
nose; —  down  goes  Mr.  G.  S.  into  a  mud  puddle,  and  soiled 
his  breeches,  (claret  begins  to  flow) — Fair  play,  says  the  Nig- 
ger— "pon  honour,  says  Mr.  G.  S.  Whack — whack — whack — 
whack.] 

Watchman.  Halloo — what  are  you  about  ? 
iV.  Noddin  Taken  to  the  watch  house — amicably  adjus- 
ted. 


Police, — August  6. 

Half  past  four  o'clock  in  the  morning — wind  east,  and  somewhat  cloudy. 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 
"You  always  end  with  a  jade's  trick  ;  I  know  you  of  old." 

Miss  Europa  Africana  Williams,  a  kind  of  Amazon, 
marched  up  boldly  in  front  of  the  Magistrate.  This  heroine 
is  doubtless  the  offspring  of  some  high-born  European  and  a 
princess  of  Guinea — her  complexion  is  golden.  She  had 
declared  war  against  one  of  the  descendants  of  Pepin. 
Europa  Africana  was  too  much  for  the  Frenchman ;  he  there- 
fore sought  succour,  and  obtained  it,  in  the  basement  story 
of  the  City  Hall. 


36 


Judah  Holmes  was  brought  up  on  the  charge  of  stealing  a 
watch.  Proofs  were  adduced  which  were  circvmstantially 
condemnatory ;  but  not  legally  so.  Mrs.  Judah  is  skilled 
in  the  occult  sciences.  Her  means  of  discovering  stolen  goods 
and  mysterious  things  is  the  old  fashioned  gossiping  one. 
She  sees  every  thing  after  having  surveyed  the  dregs  of  a 
cup  of  tea,  which  was  previously  well  laced  (as  it  is  called) 
with  New  England  "  sperrets."  Judah  has  two  days  to  make 
ready  to  depart  to  the  place  of  her  nativity. 

A  wine  bibber,  all  the  way  from  Lunnon,  (as  he  said,) 
valked  into  a  vine  store  to  buy  some  vine.  He  took  his  'at 
off,  and  placed  his  'at  on  the  counter,  and  vas  vatin  for  the 
vine  seller  to  come  in.  Wm.  Smith,  a  kind  of  fashionable, 
happened  to  place  liis  'at  near  the  gemman's  from  Lunnon 
and  when  he  went  away  he  happened  to  make  a  mistake,  and 
took  the  wrong  'at.  Wm.  Smith,  Esq.  was  pursued,  surround- 
ed, and  brought  to  the  watch-house.  Wm.  Smith,  Esq.  learnt 
his  manners  and  imbibed  his  principles  at  those  places  com- 
monly called  genteel  squeezes,  and  contends  that  an  "  ex- 
change is  no  robbery."  The  gemman  (who  was  brought  up 
within  the  sounds  of  "  bow  bells ")  entertained  a  different 
opinion,  and  thought  that  such  willainy  vas,  or  ought  to  be, 
wery  punishable.  The  Magistrate  coincided  in  opinion  with 
the  gemman,  and  Wm.  Smith,  Esq.  is  in  a  bad  way. 

Nicholas  Hatchett  was  found  taking  a  nap  on  terra  firma. 
Magistrate.  Where  is  your  home  ? 
Prisoner,  (laughing) — At  Holmes'. 


37 


M.  What  countryman  are  you  ? 

P.  I'm  an  Irishman,  and  I  don't  care  who  minds  that. 
M.  You  were  drunk  last  night ! 

P.  There's  where  you're  under  a  little  bit  of  a  mistake ; 
I  was  only  on  a  spree  ! 

M.  What  do  you  call  a  spree  ? 

P.  Why,  to  spake  out,  I  was  on  an  Irish  spree  ! 

M.  What  do  you  call  an  Irish  spree  ? 

P.  Why,  to  get  half  drunk,  or  half  crazy,  or  a  little  of  both. 
M.  I  believe  you  have  been  here  before  1 
P.  And  you  belave  true. 
M.  You  are  always  tipsy. 
P.  O  yes,  and  I  always  intend  to  be. 
M.  How  do  you  furnish  yourself  with  the  means  of  getting 
drunk  ? 

P.  Furnish  the  means!  why,  I'm  a /arnz'sAer  (varnisher.) 
M.  You  ought  to  be  sent  to  Blackwell's  Island  to  dig  stones. 
P.  Black-well!  dig  stones!  I'd  rather  go  to  Black-sione 
and  dig  wells. — [Taken  caie  of.] 

John  Lolly — red  hair — one  eye — quite  lawless — gets  drunk 
— ^beats  his  wife  till  she  cries  murder — and  possesses  a  dispo- 
sition to  emulate  him  who  "  fired  the  Ephesian  fane  :" — Joha 
wished  to  ignite  the  city.  John  Lolly  is  now  lolling  in 
Bridewell. 

Nathaniel  Nicholson,  a  married  man,  and  a  Mrs.  Utter  (not 
his  wife),  were  brought  up  by  Alderman  Valentine  on  the 
charge  of  open  concubinage.  They  now  occupy  different 
cells  in  that  mansion  called  Bridewell. 


38 


Joseph  Paulby  was  not  hy  a  pall,  and  yet  he  was  caught 
wheezing  and  snoring  in  a  church-yard.  Joseph  Paulby  is 
not  a  resurrection  man,  for  he  is  not  a  vender  of  carcases,  and 
it  was  with  difficulty  that  he  himself  could  be  raised.  Joseph 
possesses  a  tolerable  stock  of  stupidity  and  good  nature.  Jo- 
seph was  permitted  to  run  at  large  on  parole. 

Pat  M  was  brought  up  for  attending  to  that  kind  of  bu- 
siness which  was  not  his  business.    It  appeared  in  evidence 

that  a  Mr.  ,  who  had  quaffed  a  little  too  freely  of  the 

juice  of  the  grape,  was  pursuing  what  he  conceived  to  be  an 
independent  course,  by  following  the  bent  of  his  own  inclina- 
tions, and  by  sleeping  where  he  thought  proper  to  sleep,  to  wit, 
in  one  of  our  streets.  Pat  was  considerably  and  particularly 
officious  on  the  occasion.  Pat  wished  to  handle  the  gentle- 
man, and  was  suspected  ofhaving  a  disposition  to  handle  the 
gentleman's  pocket-book  also.  Pat  was  requested  to  walk  off. 
Pat  did  walk  off,  but  ever  and  anon  Pat  would  walk  back  a- 
gain.  Pat  is  now  walked  off  to  a  place  whence  it  will  not  be 
80  easy  to  walk  back. 


89 


Police, — August  7. 

Wind  Dorth-north-east,  &nd  refreshing. 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

Marry,  sir,  he  hath  ofifenied  the  law ;  and,  sir,  we  take  him  to  be  a 
thief  too,  sir. — Elbow. 

A.  Freeman  is  no  longer  a  free  man.  A.  Freeman  has  red 
hair,  red  beard,  red  whiskers,  and  a  red  proboscis  ; — caught 
and  brought  in  probably,  as  a  curiosity — possibly  on  suspicion 
of  being  a  thief. 

-4.  Vampire  was  brought  in.  It  is  a  curious  Yampire — 
sucks  no  blood — and  is  considered  a  harmless  Vampire. — 
Let  go. 

Jacob  Plank  is  a  sZa6-sided  sort  of  a  person,  and  was  deem- 
ed a  species  of  scant-ling — i.  e.  it  is  supposed  that  edibles  with 
him  were  somewhat  scant-y.  Mr.  Jacob  Plank  says  he  has 
shingled  (singled)  out  a  place  where  he  will  be  permitted  to 
board.  If  any  Mr.  Paul  Pry  is  "curious  to  know"  the  fate  of 
the  gentleman  with  a  wooden  name,  he  has  permission  to  call 
on  the  clerk. 

Eliza  Anderson  and  Mary  Hutchinson,  apparently  two 
decayed  Venuses,  smiled  and  courtesied  outside  of  the  bar. 
Caught  wandering  about  the  streets,  "  seeking  whom  they 
might  devour."  Were  ordered  to  go  about  their  business — 
had  no  business.    Ordered  home — had  no  home.  Where- 


40 


upon  they  were  sent  (by  Alderman  Seamen)  to  the  watch- 
house.  If  any  person  or  persons  are  desirous  of  knowing 
where  Miss  Anderson  and  Miss  Hutchinson  are,  we  recom- 
mend them  to  call  on  Alderman  Thorpe. 

Peter  S  ,  a  "poor  gentleman,"  (as  he  alleges  himself  to 

be,)  entertained  the  opinion  last  night,  and  which  opinion  he 
expressed,  in  the  streets,  in  a  stentorian-like  manner,  "  that 

all  our  watchmen  were  a  d  d  set  of  rogues."  Considered 

at  the  time  rather  a  sweeping  denunciation.  Brought  to  the 
watch-house.  Entertains  a  different  opinion  of  the  watchmen 
this  morning — considers  them  a  clever  set  of  fellows.  After 
some  few  Chesterfieldian  civilities  had  passed  between  the 

watchmen  and  Peter  S  .  Esq.  the  business  was  amicably 

settled. 

Hector  S.  V.  and  Traverse  Achilles  espied  each  other  ap- 
proaching each  other  in  one  of  our  public  streets.  (The  street 
we  will  not  name,  for  one  very  good  reason  we — have  forgot- 
ten its  name.)  Ahalt  was  effected  by  the  parties  respectively. 
Great  military  skill  was  displayed  on  the  occasion,  and  obser- 
vations were  made  with  industry  and  accuracy,  in  relation  to 
each  others  movements  and  forces.  "  How  now — whence 
comest  thou,  and  whither  art  thou  going?"  demanded  Trav- 
erse Achilles.  "I  came  from  the  Hook,  and  I  am  wending  my 
way  to  the  Battery. — Now  what's  that  to  you?"  responded 
Hectors.  V. 

Achilles.  My  baptismal  name  is  Traverse,  and  I  allow  no 
man  to  traverse  the  path  I  tread.    Thou  sayest  thou  camcst 


41 


from  the  Hook,  and  art  going  to  the  Battery;  then  thou  hadst 
better  hook-it  around  yon'  corner,  or  else  I  shall  hatter  thee. 
Therefore,  "  avaunt  thee .'" 

Hector.  "I  will  not  fly  thus." 

A.  "Then  yield  thee!" 

H.  "Never!" 

A.  "Phyrgian  Turk !  prepare  for  battle." 

H.  "Come  on — lam  prepared."  [A fight — ^fifty-nine  rounds 
in  fifty-nine  minutes — ^when  Achilles  was  seized  and  put  into 
"durance  vile."] 


Police, — August  8. 

Wind  west,  and  elastic. 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

Cassio.  Let  me  go  in, 

Or  I'll  knock  you  o'er  the  mazzard. 
Mon,  Cou.e,  come,  you're  drunk. 
Cos.  Drunk  ! 

logo.  Away,  I  say!  go  out  and  cry  a  mutiny, — Shaks. 

Elizabeth  Guzzle  is  in  the  habit  of  guzzling,  and  breaking 
the  peace  of  her  -peaceable  neighbours — is  a  great  liar,  and  lies 
down  on  peoples'  steps,  commonly  called  stoops — drinks  but  a 
small  quantity  of  "fiery  waters,"  only  a  quart  in  a  morning; — 
asserted  on  the  honour  of  a  feminine  combatant,  that  she 
would  inflict  upon  Mr.  O.  O.  summary  and  merited  chastise- 
ment— "If  I  don't  whip  him  my  name  is  not  Elizabeth  Guz- 
zle!"   Alderman  Thorpe  (as  we  are  informed,)  has  taken 

6 


43 


compassion  on  Mr.  O.  O.  and  has  taken  means  to  prevent  the 
the  dire  catastrophe. 

Jane  Smith.  I  am  a  poor  cripple. 
Magistrate,  Where  are  you  crippled  ? 
Prisoner.  In  my  right  hand. 

M.  Let  me  see  it — let  me  see  your  left  hand.  I  don't  per- 
ceive any  ailment  about  either  hand. 

P.  O,  it  is  as  dead  as  a  stick! — it  has  been  dead  four  days. 
M.  What  was  the  cause  of  it  ? 

P.  I  don't  know.    O,  O,  dear  me  there's  no  feeling  in  it. 
M.  You  have  been  here  before ;  you  are  an  old  customer — 
how  many  times  have  you  been  in  the  alms-house  ? 
P.  Only  twice ! 

M.  There  is  nothing  the  matter  with  your  hand — ^you  are 
a  lazy  baggage,  and  wish  to  live  upon  the  industry  and  chari- 
table feeling  of  the  public.  Open  the  door  for  this  woman, 
and  let  her  out. 

An  odd  fish,  (O.  Fish,)  a  celebrated  son  of  Crispin,  had 
been  at  that  celebrated  andnever-sufhciently-to-be-condemned 
place,  called  the  Five  Points.  O.  Fish  lost  a  large  sum  of 
money  on  the  occasion  of  his  recent  visit — don't  drink,  and 
yet  don't  deny  that  he  smokes — was  suspected  of  making  an 
attempt  to  smoke  one  of  the  clerks  of  the  Police.  Didn't 
succeed  however. 

Magistrate.  How  much  did  you  lose  1  (The  prisoner  pre- 
varicated.)   What  was  the  amount  ? 

P.  A  considerable  of  an  amount. 


43 


M.  What  was  the  precise  amount  ? — Come  to  the  point. 
P.  Sir? 

3f.  The  amount,  sir. 

P.  Ten  shillings  York  ! ! ! 

Peter  X.  Sniffin,  very  nearly  in  a  state  of  nudity,  was  not 
backward  in  coming  forward,  -  and  represented  himself  as 
being  a  poor  unfortunate  kind  of  Billy  Lackaday,  (at  least 
by  construction  it  would  appear  so,)  and  stated  that  he  had 
been  robbed  of  his  coats,  shirts,  vests,  and  inexpressibles. 
Has  gone  in  pursuit  of  his  property. 

Sarah  Pry  wanted  a  search  warrant  in  order  to  pry  into  the 
secrets  of  some  of  her  neighbours,  whom  she  suspected  of 
having  purloined  from  her  a  silk  shawl.  "Was  known  to  be 
troublesome,  and  was  suspected  of  being  addicted  to  thieving 
herself.    Let  go. 

Biddy  Stewart  and  Ellen  M'Carty,  pretty  girls,  and  sur- 
mounted with  "  bonnets  of  blue,"  had  been  pulling  caps. 
Settled  for  four  shillings. 

S.  T.  and  W.  T.  were  introduced  under  extremely  disa- 
greeable circumstances.  These  persons  were  young  men, 
and  brothers,  highly  respectable,  and  even  affectionate 
towards  each  other.  One  of  them  accidently,  as  was  proved, 
and  for  the  first  time  as  was  alleged,  became  intoxicated,  and 
during  the  phrenzy  under  which  he  was  labouring,  came 
near  committing  the  horrible  crime  of  fratricide.  They 
were  permitted  to  depart  under  suitable  admonitions. 


44 


Sambo          came  out  in  the  ship   .    Miss  Arabella 

Sophonisbo  was  a  passenger  in  said  ship.    Sambo  is  a 

kind  of  dandy,  and  is  as  black  as  ink.  Arabella  is  as  white 
and  as  pure  as  the  mountain  snow — her  cheek  is  tinged  with 
the  rose,  and  her  breath  exhales  aromatics  that  would  rival 
those  of  Arabia  Felix.  Sambo  is  making  love  to  Arabella. 
Arabella  is  not  unconscious  of  the  charms  of  one,  whose 
forefathers  had  fought  the  lion,  given  chase  to  the  tiger,  and 
plunged  into  the  Nile  in  pursuit  of  the  Hippopotamus.  But 
— Sambo  is  suspected  of  being  a  thief!  We  are  sorry  to 
spoil  a  good  story,  but  the  truth  must  be  told. 

It  was  reported  privately,  and  by  a  visiter,  in  the  office, 
that  a  Kentuckian  was  discovered  curled  up  and  covered  up 
in  a  quantity  of  salt.  The  reason  he  assigned  for  this  odd 
covering  was,  that  he  had  not  fought  a  battle  in  a  whole 
week,  and  he  was  afraid  of  spoiling. 

Messrs.  N.  B.  and  P.  S.  two  distinguished  sons  of  Thespis, 
and  attached  to  one  of  our  dramatic  establishments,  had  often 
fought  in  "  mimic  show."  "  Many  a  time  and  oft "  one  had 
died  to  please  the  other,  and  to  gratify  some  eight  or  ten 
hundred  spectators.  This  was  a  sacrifice,  a  mal-sacrifice — 
and  each  submitted  with  a  display  of  courage  and  an  evidence 
of  devotion  that  would  emulate  the  heroism  of  a  Pompey,  or 
rival  the  patriotism  of  a  Regulus.  It  was  confidently  sup- 
posed, that  these  heroes  of  the  "  sock  and  buskin "  would 
rival  the  far-famed  and  classical  heroes,  Damon  and  Pythias, 
in  their  disinterestedness  toward  each  other,  and  singleness 


45 


of  purpose  in  reference  to  the  inhabitants  of  this  wicked  world 
in  general.  How  easily  people  may  be  deceived  !  Mr.  B. 
and  Mr.  S.  are  not  only  "tragedy  kings"  and  "tragedy 
heroes,"  but  are  well  versed  in  ancient  lore,  and  have  "suck- 
ed in  "  a  considerable  quantum  of  modern  knowledge.  One 
knows  that  Solon  and  Lycurgus  were  law-givers — -the  other 
that  Demosthenes  and  Pericles  were  orators:  the  one  be- 
lieves firmly  that  Xenophon  was  a  great  historian  and  a  great 
soldier,  and  made  a  matchless  retreat  out  of  Persia — the 
other  contends  that  Alcibiades  was  the  pupil  of  Socrates,  and 
that  he  was  pretty  considerable  of  a  warrior,  but  a  dissolute 
character.  One  asserted  from  historical  knowledge,  that  the 
first  dramatic  writers  were  players  themselves,  and  enacted 
their  plays  in  a — Cart  !  The  other  sprang  up  in  a  dramatic 
kind  of  rage,  "his  eye  in  a  fine  phrenzy  rolling,"  and  contra- 
verted  the  assertion  in  positive  terms — terms  that  could  not 
be  misunderstood.  The  result  was  a  "  pitched  battle  " — 
the  hour  was  the  "  midnight  hour  " — and  the  place  was  con- 
tiguous to  one  of  our  public  places."  Need  we  record 
that  this  contest  of  arms  (naked  arm)  was  espied  by  the  spies 
of  the  public  ? — that  the  disputants  had  been  watched,  and 
■were  carried  to  the  watch-hoMse  ?  No ;  we  will  leave  the 
public  to  wander  in  the  labyrinths  of  conjecture. 


46 


Police, — August  10. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning,  vane  pointing  S.  W. 

Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

"  Oh,  my  lord — the  Sheriff  with  a  most  monstrous  watch  is  at  the  door." 

Sandy  Talmadge — Came  from  the  same  country  which  gave 
existence  to  Wallace  and  Bruce,  and  to  him  who  has  given 
in  song  immortality  to  the  latter.  Talmadge  has  been  but 
a  short  time  in  this  country — is  considerably  pugnacious, 
tenacious,  and  loquacious — has  something  of  a  dogged  disposi- 
tion. In  consonance,  however,  with  the  advice  of  the  Magis- 
trate, is  willing  to  go  home,  and  lead  a  peaceable  and  an  indus- 
trious life. 

Mr.  Quinn  (not  the  Quinn  who  was  universally  recog- 
nized as  a  shining  star  in  the  histronic  art)  endeavoured  to 
rescue  a  friend.  Had  been  drunk — had  been  a  few  times 
previously.  He  and  a  friend  wished  to  "  demolish"  (a  vile 
phrase)  one  who  had  been  somewhat  obstreperous — brought 
up  by  a  watchman ;  begged — apologized — promised.  Under 
proper  restrictions  permitted  to  depart. 

Charles  Duff,  a  young  sprig,  unprincipled,  and  disobedient 
towards  his  parents,  and  only  14  years  of  age,  was  properly 
dealt  with. 

Mary  Ann  Arlington — Innocent,  beautiful,  young;  well 
read,  well  educated,  studious;  reads  music  admirably,  plays 


47 


divinely;  sings  exquisitely;  can  dance  a  Spanish  Fandango,  a 
French  Cotillion,  or  a  German  Waltz — is  tickled  with  Ser- 
vantes — delighted  with  Fenelon,  and  enraptured  with  the 
"sweet  bard  of  Avon!"  But!!!  (how  we  dislike  to  throw 
"cold  water"  upon  a  good  thing)  but!  Mary  Ann  Arlington 
gets  drunk  on  cider!!! 

John  Smith,  selling  ardent  spirits  without  a  license.  Pre- 
tended to  be  selling  under  another  man's  license — vvouldn't 
do — Call  at  the  Police  for  further  particulars. 

Julia  Ann  Spriggins,  a  pretty  girl — a  romantic  -girl — a 
Queen  Elizabeth  kind  of  a  girl,  was  introduced.  She  was  a 
great  swearer — so  was  the  daughter  of  Henry  the  Eighth — 
she  possessed  great  energy;  so  did  she  who  headed  her  own 
army,  and  by  her  own  influence  repelled  the  celebrated  Span- 
ish Armada — she  patronized  the  fine  arts — so  did  the  distin- 
guished and  relentless  persecutor  of  the  frail,  but  talented  fair 
one,  who  bore  the  name  of  Mary  Queen  of  Scots  !  Julia  Ann 
Spriggins,  (Jupiter  Ammon,  what  a  name!)  Is, — ask  the 
keeper  of  Bridewell. 

Paddy  O.  Reily  and  Dirck  Vander  Stuyvesant,  (the  one  a 
Paddy  from  Cork,  the  other  born  and  bred  in  Gotham,)  en- 
countered each  other  at  the  corner  of  Broadway  and  Leonard- 
street.  The  side-walk,  at  that  particular  spot,  is  too  nar- 
row, just  by  one  inch — we  hope  Mr.  Graves  will  see  to  it. 
Paddy  made  an  eflbrt,  from  pure  motives  of  civility,  to  step 
aside  half  an  inch  but  couldn't  succeed :    Dirck  was  deter- 


48 


mined  not  to  be  outdone  in  politeness — made  the  same  effort, 
and  unfortunately  with  no  better  success.  The  consequence 
was,  they  struck:  We  don't  mean  to  say  that  they  struck 
their  colours — far  from  it;  but  they  struck  as  vessels  some- 
times strike,  one  against  the  other;  and  Paddy  and  Dirck 
were  suddenly  wheeled  around,  and  were  espied,  espying 
each  other  askance.  The  one  had  as  much  courage  as  an  O. 
Reily  should  have ;  the  other  as  much  bravery  as  any  descen- 
dent  of  "  hard  koping  Peit."  Paddy  don't  fear  the  devil, 
and  Dirck  isn't  afraid  of  Paddy. 

Paddy.  What  do  you  mane  you  spalpeen  ? 

Dirck.  Schpalpeen — what  de  divel  is  dat  ?  Ha ! 

P.  Will  you  jist  plase  to  look  at  that — (showing  his  fist,) 
did  you  ever  see  the  like  of  it  before  ? 

D.  Ya,  I've  seen  such  a  ding  before,  but  never  behind.  I 
always  looksh  ahead! 

P.  Can  you  fight  1 

D.  Ya,  will  you  fight  ? 

P.  Are  you  ready  ? 

D.  Ya.  Justice  Wyman  chanced  to  be  in  passing  by  at 
this  particular  crisis,  and  advised  the  parties  to  settle  the 
matter  of  difference  between  them  in  an  amicable  manner, 
and  depart  each  to  his  own  home.  Paddy  and  Dirck  did  not 
consider  this  good  counsel,  and  besides  they  might  possibly 
have  had  a  desire  for  a  little  depletion  of  the  system — it  being 
considered  beneficial  to  health  in  certain  cases  The  Cap- 
tain of  the  Watch  will  tell  the  rest  of  the  story. 


49 


Police, — August  12. 

Wind  west  and  bracing. 

Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

The  flying  rumours  gather'd  as  they  roU'd, 
Scarce  any  tale  was  sooner  heard  than  told, — Pope. 

Samuel  Q.  Johnson  was  accused  of  having  committed 
something  of  a  novel  crime — that  of  breaking  open  his  own 
trimk,  and  stealing  therefrom.  After  a  patient  investigation 
on  the  part  of  the  Magistrate,  it  was  decided  to  be  a  mali- 
cious fabrication.  Mr.  J.'s  trunk  was  forced,  and  the  guilty 
person  is  now  in  custody. 

Catharine  Vail  stole  a  veil  and  six  yards  of  crape — proofs 
adduced  were  incontrovertible — is  now  in  Bridewell. 

J  B  ,  a  young  man  of  talents  and  of  prepossessing 

appearance,  19  years  of  age,  has  been  accused  of  making  a 
note  and  signing  another  man's  name  to  it.  He  is  labouring 
under  the  most  poignant  grief,  he  is  pale  and  wan,  and  denies 
the  charge.    We  hope  he  is  innocent. 

John  J  complains  most  bitterly  of  his  two  brothers-in- 
law — says  that  his  wife  is  leagued  with  her  brothers,  and 
verily  believes  that  there  is  a  plot  entered  into  to  take  away 
his  life.  Mr.  J.  went  to  bed  and  left  his  wife  up — he  went 
to  sleep — suddenly  his  wife  knocked  down  the  pannel  of  the 
door  and  entered — was  considerably  maltreated — wishes  no 

7 


50 


charges  to  be  preferred  against  his  wife.  The  persons  con- 
cerned were  taken  care  of. 

Sarah  Ann  P  ,  20  years  old — a  sylph-like  figure — 

pretty  foot — rosy  cheek — ruby  lip — sloe  black  hair — and  one 
eye,  and  but  one  eye — was  brought  up  for  fingering  wearing 
apparel,  which  belonged  to  other  persons.  Twelve  citizens 
will  decide  upon  her  innocence  or  guilt. 

.Tamea  P         was  brought  up  on  the  charge  of  having 

beaten,  and  of  being  in  the  habit  of  beating  his  ■wife,  a  beau- 
tiful, amiable,  and  talented  woman.    Mr.  James  P  is  a 

complete  wreck  of  one  who  was  high  born,  high  bred,  and 
wealthy,  and  of  exalted  mental  powers.  His  countenance  is 
completely  cadaverous,  his  eye  is  unsteady  and  inflamed  ;  he 
possesses  a  trembling  hand,  and  the  cold  perspiration  of  ago- 
nized feeling  stands  continually  upon  his  brow.  It  has  been 
said  that  Lucifer  was  the  inventor  of  the  art  of  distilling ; 
whether  he  was  or  not,  is  not  our  province  to  determine,  but 
we  will  venture  to  assert  that  this  secret  has  given  birth  to 
more  vrickedness,  and  more  enormities,  than  any  other  art  de- 
vised by  the  ingenuity  of  man.  Mr.  P.  portrayed,  in  feeling 
terms,  the  virtues  of  his  wife ;  represented  her  as  an  afl'ection- 
ate  companion,  and  an  exemplary  mother.  That  his  own 
infirmity  was  an  unfortunate  one — that  it  was  nearly  or  quite 
beyond  his  control — in  a  word,  that  he  was  too  frequently 
under  the  influence  of  the  intoxicating  draught. — Sure  bail. 


51 


Police, — Jlugust  13. 

Half  past  4,  in  the  morning — wind  blowing  fresh  from  the  north. 
Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

"  O  weary  night !  O  long  and  tedious  night ! 
Abate  thy  hours :  shine  comforts  from  the  east." 

Noble  McDonald,  a  kind  of  sham  nohle  from  Scotland,  says 
there  is  too  much  rum  in  New-York — has  been  guilty  of  a 
high  misdemeanor  (call  on  the  turnkey  at  Bridewell,)  and 
intends,  should  he  get  clear  from  this  charge,  to  clear  from 
the  state. 

Jane  Davis,  sometimes  recognized  as  Mrs.  Lecruse,  all  the 
way  from  Kilkenny,  has  a  peculiar  fondness  for  a  little  croos- 
keen  lawn.  Mrs.  Lecruse  is  not  a  Venus,  for  she  is  not  par- 
ticularly beautiful — she  is  not  a  Hebe,  for  instead  of  being  a 
cup-bearer  for  others,  she  only  uses  her  cups  for  herself — has 
no  aversion  to  a  "  kick  up  " — may  be  considered  a  suc- 
cessful rival  to  the  French  dancers — a  legitimate  daughter  of 
Terpsichore  herself — had  been  dancing  for  her  amusement — 
is  now  picking  oakum  for  the  amusement  of  the  keeper  of 
Bridewell. 

James  Hqffstead  is  running  a  queer  rig,  and  is  in  the  habit 
of  stealing  rigging.  Had  stolen  (per  testimony  incontrover- 
tible) from  on  board  the  John  <fc  Elizabeth — is  a  native  of  the 
North  of  Europe,  and  has  something  of  a  Dirck  Hattrick  ap- 
pearance— is  in  Bridewell. 


52 


Brack  C         is  not  a  setter  up  in  general,  but  a  kind  of 

"upsetter"  in  particular.  Mr.  Brach  C.  entertains  a  partic- 
ular antipathy  to  Mr.  John  M.  Mr.  J.  M.  has  no  especial 
fondness  for  Mr.  B.  C.  Mr.  B.  C.  set  ^lis  mind  upon  having 
a  battle — and  by  way  of  novelty,  was  determined  to  have  a 
kind  of  second  representation  of  the  "battle  of  the  kegs" — 
or  by  throwing  aside  all  poetical  and  historical  allusion,  Mr. 
B.  C.  kicked  over  Mr.  J.  M.'s  tub — commonly  called  a  v^ash- 
tub.  This  was  too  much,  flesh  and  blood  could  not  endure 
it — a  regular  bout  was  the  consequence.  Mr.  C.  fought  hard 
— Mr.  M.  fought  harder — Mr.  C.  having  a  kicking  propensity, 
kicked  Mr.  M.  on  his  abdominal  regions — Mr.  M.  didn't 
mind  that  any  more  than  a  Kentuckian  would  the  loss  of  an 
eye.    Mr.  C.  being  the  aggressor  is  taken  care  of. 

Mary  Long  is  about  as  broad  at  she  is  long,  and  would 
pass  in  Egypt  for  a  captivating  woman,  except  that  she  has 
carrotty  hair.  Miss  Mary  is  a  tailoress — is  something  of  a 
disputant — a  kind  of  politician.  Held  an  argument  with 
a  neighbour  of  the  feminine  gender — ran  a  race  of  words,  &.c. 
Is  in  keeping. 

Catharine  A.  S  ,  face  as  red  as  a  beet — a  blubbering 

kind  of  concern,  i.  e.  she  is  as  fat  as  an  Ethiopian,  and  can 
sob  by  instinct — there  is  a  mutual  repulsion  between  her 
and  her  husband — no  wonder  !    All  parties  in  a  bad  way. 

Ginny  Broady,  is  pretty  generally  gin-ny — came  from 
Brooklyn  on  an  errand,  and  was  nigh  being  led  astray  hy  gin. 
Promised  to  go  home. 


53 


Sara  Johnson,  a  slave  to  an  individual  residing  in  Hacken- 
sack — has  been  four  years  in  Africa,  and  came  recently  from 
the  "  literary  emporium  " — a  roving  kind  of  character — taken 
home. 


Police, — .August  14. 

Half  past  four — wind  blowing  tolerably  brisk  from  S.  W. 
Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

"  How  now.  Tubal,  what  news  from  Genoa  ? " 

Sarah  Smith,  a  kind  of  feminine  "  minion  of  the  moon,"  a 
nocturnal  Venus,  or  in  other  words,  a  night  stroller,  as  the 
watchman  expressed  it,  was  discovered  in  Catharine  market 
under  very  considerable  inauspicious  circumstances. 

Magistrate.  How  many  times  have  you  been  here  before  1 

Prisoner.  I  don't  know. 

M.  When  did  you  come  out  of  the  Penitentiary  ? 
P.  About  three  months  ago. 

M.  You  must  return  lo  that  abode  of  the  guilty  and 
miserable.  (Tears  fell  fast  and  plentifully  from  the  eyes  of 
the  poor  girl.  She  had  made  promises  many  a  time  before, 
Bnd  as  often  had  she  broken  her  promises.) 

John  Armstrong  has  a.  strong  arm,  and  exercises  the  powers 
of  it  upon  his  wife  and  his  wife's  furniture.  John  is  a 
son  of  Crispin — has  something  of  a  vamped  disposition — 


54 


waxes  his  spouse  pretty  often,  and  when  he  does,  gives  no 
quarter — straps  her  also,  as  if  she  had  no  soul ;  and  at  the 
last  beating  he  gave  her,  it  would  appear  that  he  was  deter- 
mined it  should  be  the  last. 

Jack  D  ,  a  kind  of  Jack  Cade,  collected  a  mob,  "  kicked 

up  a  dust,"  seized  a  peaceable  citizen  by  the  throat  and  at- 
tempted to  throttle  him.    Was  in  a  d  1  of  a  passion,  but 

didn't  mean  any  harm.  Brevity  is,  &c.  there- 
fore  . 

William  Harris — Misdemeanor — Didn't  know  that  he  was 
doing  amiss — first  offence — do  so  no  more — 'pon  his  honour 
he  wouldn't.  Alderman  Thorpe  has  nothing  to  do  with  Mr. 
Harris  as  yet. 

William  Williamson  walked  in — his  hair  bristling  up  like 
porcupine  quills — his  eyes  "  glaring  like  two  fiery  meteors," 
and  his  face  as  long  as  a  common  sized  coffin,  and  shaped  very 
like  one.  Says  he  has  been  robbed  of  200  silver  half  dol- 
lars !  Quite  a  loss  now-a-days. 

James  R  ,  a  demure,  sleek  looking  man,  a  kind  of  Si- 
mon Pure,  was  introduced  to  the  acquaintance  of  the  Magis- 
trate by  Mrs.  C  ,  a  widow  lady,  with  a  sprightly  eye  and 

a  nimble  tongue. 

Magistrate.  What  is  the  matter  ? 

Mr.  R.  Matter  enough ! 

Mrs.  C.  Matter  enough  indeed  ! 


55 


M.  Relate  your  story,  Mrs.  C  . 

Mrs.  C.  Yes  sir,  I  will — excuse  me — I  was  excessively 
frightened  last  night — I  am  frightened  still — I  don't  know  but 
I  shall  be  frightened  forever  !  (Here  Mr.  Pure  turned  up  his 
eyes  in  a  genuine  puritanic  style.)  Well,  sir,  I  am  a  lone 
widow — an  honest  woman — no  one  can  say  any  thing  to  the 
contrary  of  that.  (M.  Go  on.)  I  went  to  bed,  fell  asleep-- 
was  sleeping  soundly,  when  all  at  once  I  was  awakened  by — 
O,  sir ! 

M.  What  awoke  you  ?  go  on. 

3frs.  C.  Well,  sir,  I  was  lying  in  bed  all  alone,  stark  living 
alone,  except  a  little  child  four  years  old— it  isn't  my  child,  it's 
my  daughter's  child. 

M.  Never  mind  the  child  go  on. 

Mrs.  C.  Well,  sir,  I  felt  something ! 

M.  What  did  you  feel  ? 

Mrs.  C.  Osir!  I  felt—    (M.  Goon.)    I  felt— . 
M.  Yes,  yes,  you  said  before  you  felt — proceed. 
Mrs.  C.  I  felt  something — it  was  as  cold  as  an  icicle  ! ! ! 
M.  What  was  it  ? 

Mrs.  C.  Sir,  it  was  nothing  more  nor  less  than  a  man's 
hand — this  man's  hand,  (turning  round  to  Simon  Pure.) 
M.  What  then?— Go  on. 

Mrs.  C.  I  sprang  up,  bolt  upright,  and  discovered  a  man — 
this  man — standing  by  the  side  of  my  bed,  with  nothing  under 
the  canopy  on  but  a  shirt ! ! !  Says  I,  in  the  name  of  Beelzebub 
and  Mr.  Thomas  Walker,  who  are  you  and  what  do  you  want? 
Says  he,  I  want  a  man.  Says  I,  I'm  no  man,  so  go  out  of  the 
room.    No,  says  he,  I'll  not  depart  till  I  get  a  man.    So  I 


56 


jumped  out  of  bed  and  went  in  pursuit  of  a  man,  and  found  a 
watchman — and  that's  all  I  know. 

M.  Mr.  R  ,  what  have  you  to  say  to  all  this  ? 

R.  Why,  sir,  (scratching  his  head,  and  assuming  a  sancti- 
monious look,)  you  must  know,  sir,  that  I  came  to  town  in  the 
night,  after  midnight.  I  found  it  difficult  to  get  a  lodging,  and, 
as  a  matter  of  dernier  resort,  I  determined  to  rap  at  the  door 
of  every  house  in  which  there  was  alight. 

M.  So  you  went  about  rapping  ? 

R.  O  yes,  sir,  (with  the  most  unchangeable  countenance  im- 
aginable,) I  rapped  till  I  found  myself  wrapped  up  in  a  com- 
fortable bed. 

M.  Be  brief. 

R.  Certainly,  sir,  I'm  always  brief:  I  took  a  few  glasses  of 
wine  with  the  landlady,  and  then  concluded  to  go  to  bed.  I 
was  shown  to  a  room  where  there  were  no  more  than  five  beds. 

M.  No  more  than  five  ? 

R.  No  more,  I  think ;  one  of  the  beds,  however,  couldn't 
accommodate  but  one  person. 
M.  Well? 

R.  Well,  I  went  to  bed  and  went  to  sleep ;  I  hadn't  been 
asleep  long,  however,  before  a  big  Scotchman,  all  besmeared 
with  blood,  came  to  the  bed  side  and  awoke  me,  and  swore 
he  would  murder  me  unless  I  arose  and  gave  him  my  bed ;  at 
the  same  time  he  commenced  bobbing  me  with  a  big  iron.  I 
concluded  to  get  up,  not  knowing  what  would  be  the  conse- 
quence. I  took  my  breeches  from  under  the  pillow,  and  en- 
deavoured to  put  them  on.  The  big  Scotchman,  all  besmear- 
ed with  blood,  snatched  them,  however,  out  of  my  hand,  and 
swore  he  liked  to  elevate  his  head  as  well  as  another  man. 


57 


M.  Quite  an  aspiring  character  ! 

R.  To  be  sure,  and  he  tucked  my  breeches  under  the  pillow, 
and  then  jumped  into  my  bed,  and  swore  in  Highland  Scotch 
and  low,  that  he  was  comfortable. 

M.  Well,  what  then  ? 

R.  WTiatthen!  why  then  I  rushed  out  ofthe  room,  to  be  sure. 
M.  In  a  state  of  nudity  ? 
R.  Prettj"  much. 
M.  Well  ? 

R.  I  then  attempted  to  jump  over  a  fence. 
M.  How  high  was  the  fence  ? 

R.  About  eight  feet;  I  looked  at  it  first,  then  made  a  despe- 
rate leap,  and  over  I  went. 
M.  Where  did  you  land  ? 

R.  I  didn't  land  at  all — I  fell  into  a  large  tub  of  water,  scmse.' 
M.  Didn't  that  awake  you  ? 
R.  Awake  !  I  wasn't  asleep. 

M.  I  suspect  you  were,  judging  from  your  account  of  the 
"big  Scotchman"  who  was  "bobbing"  you.    Go  on. 

R.  Then  I  ran  into  another  house,  where  I  found  this  wo- 
man in  bed. 

M.  O,  T  see  how  it  was  :  you  had  been  dreaming  about 
"raw  heads  and  bloody  bones,"  and  then  "took  to  your  heels," 
without  troubling  yourself  about  your  wearing  apparel.  Ima- 
gine how  you  must  have  frightened  this  lady. 

R.  Frightened  her!  Egad,  she  wasn't  half  as  much  fright- 
ened as  I  was. 

M.  Well,  make  an  apology  to  the  lady,  and  I  have  no  doubt 
she  will  forgive  you. 

8 


58 


R.  I  will. 

M.  Now,  olEcer,  let  this  lady  and  gentleman  depart. 
Mrs.C.  Go  out  together !  No,  no;  I  saw  enough  of  him  last 
night  to  satisfy  me  as  long  as  I  live. 


Police, — August  15. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning, — wind  South-West,  and  fragrant. 
Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

"  Is  there  no  manners  left  among  maids  ? 

 'Tis  well  they  are 

Whispering,  and  not  a  word  more." 

Nicholas  B —  is  a  kind  of  lazar  in  appearance,  and  possesses 
the  kicking  propensity  of  a  colt — kicks  up  his  heels  whenever 
he  pleases,  and  possesses  the  powers  of  locomotion  to  an  almost 
incredible  extent ;  can  turn  a  somerset  or  perform  a  jlip-Jlap 
equal  to  any  of  our  Circus  wights,  and  nearly  equal  to  some 
of  our  political  spouters.    Nicholas  B  ,  Esq.  is  in  ! 

A  gentleman  was  brought  up  whose  name  was  Mr.  Wiley, 
Esq.  last  night,  and  Mr.  Mark  Wiley  this  morning.  It  is  said 
that  he  has  committed  "  flat  burglary  " — saw  a  coat  which 
did  not  bcilong  to  him,  and  did pic^  it  up — it  chanced  to  belong 
to  a  Mr.  Pickit.  There  is  a  lock  turned  upon  Mr.Wiley,  Esq. 
— he  may  by  a  possibility  pick  it,  but  if  he  does  he  will  be  wily 
indeed. 

Eliza  X  ,  probably  not  as  chaste  as  Lucretia  nor  as 


59 

beautiful  as  Pauline,  was  found  last  night  under  rather  odd 
circumstances,  and  this  moimng  found  herself  m  the  presence 
of  a  police  magistrate.  Miss  Eliza  alleges,  that  she  takes  in 
washing  when  she  can  get  washing,  and  when  she  cannot — she 
does  something  else.  We  don't  recollect  the  Turnkey's  name 
of  Bridewell,  otherwise  we  would  mete  out  to  him  fame 
immortal. 

5am  Hall — did  haul  a  lady  a  little — was  not  injured  by  the 
lady,  and  did  not  intend  to  injure  her — but  was  brought 
up  to  the  police  in  consequence  of  some  innocent  liberties 
which  he  had  taken  with  the  lady. — In  custody. 

Michael  R.  is  an  ambitious  minor,  a  roving  blade,  has  a 
milling  propensity — can  knock  down  a  watchman,  and  when 
pursued  is  as  fleet  as  the  wind.  Is  endeavouring  to  introduce 
the  ancient  mode  of  warfare,  by  hurling  stones  at  his  antago- 
nists :  his  machines  are  what  nature  supplies  him  with.  He 
is  a  great  admirer  of  jEschylus,  an  enthusiastic  lover  of  Euripi- 
des— Voltaire  and  Racine  he  affects,dind  Ben  Johnson  and  Will 
Shakspeare  he  contends  are  legitimate  geniuses.  Ben  had  the 
more  learning  however — Will  had  the  more  fancy — Ben  had 
read  much — Will  was  a  man  of  reflection.  Ben  was  jealous 
of  the  reputation  of  Will— Will  did  not  care  a  fig.  Our  hero 
could  be  found  any  time  these  6  months  ^vithin  the  purlieus  of 
the  Lafayette  Theatre.  Any  communication  hereafter  will  be 
directed  to  the  care  of  Alderman  Thorpe. 


60 


Police, — August  17. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning,  wind  S.  W.  and  salubrious. 

Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

L.  What's  here  ?  one  dead  or  drunk f    See  doth  he  breathe? 
H.  He  breathes,  my  Lord :  Were  he  not  warm'd  with  ale, 

This  were  a  bed  but  cold  to  sleep  so  soundly. 
L.  O,  monstrous  beast !  how  like  a  swine  he  lies ! 

Peter  Degout  is  a  man  of  goUt — wears  his  hair  long — Absa- 
lom like — has  not  been  hanged  as  yet,  however. — Is  not  as 
good  a  pensman  as  M'Laurin — is  not  as  great  an  author  as 
Rousseau,  nor  as  rich  as  the  once  far-famed  and  intriguing 
Orleans. — Peter  Degout  was  from  France,  is  in  Bridewell 
now,  where  he  will  probably  get  the  gout,  if  he  can  get  the 
gout  on,  what  is  called  in  elegant  and  elevated  language, 
"short  commons." 

C  /S  ,  Esq.  had  a  bout  with  a  watchman,  about  a 

watch.  The  watchman  was  a  little  too  much  for  C.  S.  Esq. 
It  was  a  late  hour  of  the  night,  and  therefore  it  was  consider- 
ed prudent  to  take  the  gentleman  to  the  watch-house.  He  is 
watched  vigilantly. 

Martin  Branson  formed  one  of  a  musical  trio — is  a  great 
serenader,  a  great  roysterer,  a  great  roarer — is  uo^v  roaring 
in  Bridewell. 

B.  O.  a  sprig  of  a  fellow,  about  the  size  of  an  "  Alderman's 
thumb,"  was  discovered  whisking  about  in  one  of  the  thea- 


61 


tres,  and  making  love  to  the  ladies,  with  all  the  ease  and  impu- 
dence of  a  regular  bred  dandy.  There  was  a  gentleman  there 
also,  all  the  way  from  "  swate  Ireland."  Whether  he  came 
from  Kilkenny,  Kilmore  or  Kilmany,  we  have  not  been  able 
as  yet,  to  ascertain,  although  we  have  despatched  a  number 
of  runners  and  scouts,  (faithful  fellows  all)  in  order  to  get 
at  the  genuine  facts  of  the  case.  Terence  O'Botherem,  (we 
have  found  out  his  name,  and  that's  a  point  gained,)  is  no 
Janus,  that  is,  were  any  of  our  artists  to  represent  Mr.  O'Both- 
erem on  canvass,  it  is  not  very  probable  that  he  would  stand 
or  sit  with  two  faces.  Terence  possesses  one  remarkable 
quality,  however  ;  it  is  a  quality  sometimes  discovered— but 
rarely.  The  head  of  Mr.  O'Botherem  sits  upon  his  shoulders, 
or  rather  vibrates,  or  performs  semi-revolutions  very  similar 
to  those  beautiful  and  useful  little  things,  vended  by  our 
friends  the  Italians,  commonly  called  imitation  Mandarins ; 
and  by  reason  of  this  quality,  whether  natural  or  artificial, 
Mr.  O'Botherem  can  look  two  ways  at  once — narely. 

Mr.  O'B.  is  not  an  Argus — is  not  a  king,  has  never  been  a 
king — is  not  slain,  never  was  slain— never  had  a  hundred 
eyes,  has  only  two  eyes — but,  then,  his  two  eyes  possess  the 
hue  of  those  which  gaze  with  admiration  and  wonder  upon 
Italia's  setting  sun.  They  are  quick,  penetrating,  soul- 
searching  :  and  when  eradiated  with  fancy,  enkindled  by 
passion,  or  guided  by  curiosity,  (now  for  a  figure  ! !)  may  be 
compared  to  two  thunder  clouds  emitting  flashes  ofhghtning! 
Mr.  O'B.  had  penetration  enough  to  fathom,  and  ingenuity 
enough  to  discover  that  which  was  involved  in  a  species  of 
mystery  to  every  one  else.    Mr.  O'B.  suspected  Mr.  B.  O. 


62 


Mr.  B.  O.  entertained  a  kind  of  suspicion  that  he  was  sus- 
pected by  Mr.  O'B.  This  gave  rise  to  a  little  sidling,  ogling, 
advancing,  retrograding — when  suddenly  Paddy  leaped  upon 
a  bench,  and  pronounced  in  a  stentorian  voice,  the  following 
laconic  address : — Ladies  !  by  the  bogs  of  Kilkenny  this 
gentleman  is  no  gentleman  at  all,  at  all — he  is  only  bothering 
you — this  gentleman  is  a  gentleman  of  your  own  sex,  is  a 
a  gentleman  of  the  feminine  gender ! !  B.  O.  was  taken  to 
the  watch-house,  and  "  confessed  himself  a  maid,"  or  rather 
a  "  married  woman  " — has  a  pretty  face,  a  pretty  figure,  a 
husband  and  one  child. — Suspected  her  husband  of  being  too 
attentive  to  the  fair  sex  in  general,  but  before  she  submitted 
to  the  full  sway  of  the  jaundiced  fiend,  jealousy,  was  deter- 
mined to  have  occular  proofs  of  the  waywardness  of  her  gay, 
false,  and  reprehensible  Lothario. 


Police, — August  18. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — Wind  west,  evidently  varying  toward  the 

north. 

Justice  Valentine  presiding. 

Enobarbus. — How  now,  friend  Enos  ? 
Enos. — There's  strange  news  come  in. 
Enob. — What,  man  ? 

S          T  ,  (we  forbear  giving  any  thing  but  initials,  as 

is  our  general  custom  when  a  trial  is  pending,)  it  is  said,  has 
perjured  himself — having  sworn  that  a  citizen,  whose  name  we 
likewise  suppress,  had  committed  an  outrageous  assault  upon 


63 


him.  Four  citizens  of  high  respectability  testified  that  the 
allegation  of  S.  T.  is  a  base  and  malicious  fabrication,  having 
been  present  at  the  time  when  the  deed  was  alleged  to  have 
been  perpetrated. 

Freeman  G  is  no  longer  a  free  man.  Freeman  is  sus- 
pected of  not  *'  walking  uprightly" — of  not  being  any  better 
(loftiness  of  ideas,  as  well  as  expression,  is  certainly  com- 
mendable,) "than  he  should  be!"  Freeman  is  in  a  state 
of  declination. 

Margaret  L         is  a  lady  whom  a  Telemachus  would 

probably  have  fallen  in  love  with — possibly  have  affianced. 
Margaret,  as  she  alleges,  lives  in  P  street — sews  for  a  liv- 
ing— is  innocent — never  was  caught  in  bad  company — never 
intends  to  be  ; — but  (how  we  dislike  buts — they  have  an  ever- 
lasting opposing  appearance)  but  Margaret  is,  "  of  assurity," 
in  a  bad  way. 

N  J  ,  from  New- Jersey,  (his  initials  would  certain- 
ly indicate  whence  he  came)  states,  first,  that  he  came 
from  N.  J. — second,  that  he  came  to  N.  Y. — third,  that  he 
worshipped  the  god  Bacchus  a  little  too  devoutly — fourth, 
that  his  sacrifices  to  the  soddess  Venus  were  a  little  too  as- 

o 

siduous — fifth,  that  Morpheus  claimed  his  attention — and 
finally,  and  lastly,  and  sixthly,  and  to  conclude,  some  land- 
piratical  genius,  no  friend  of  his,  as  he  verily  believes,  made  a 
little  too  free  with  his  breeches  pocket /o6. 


64 


Phebe  G.  and  Emma  B.  were  emulous  of  the  fame  of  the 
far-famed  heroine  who  went  far  to  have  an  interview  with 
him,  who  bestrode  the  world  like  a  Colossus,  in  the  year  of 
the  world  {about)  3670.  Phebe  is  a  modern  Amazon — so  is 
Emma.  Phebe  is  tall,  dignified,  and  commanding — her  hair 
curls,  or  rather  it  is  crisped  elegantly,  (we  came  near  saying 
fashionably,  but  elegance  as  every  one  knows,  depends  upon 
fashion.)  Phebe  has  a  retreating  brow  and  an  uplifted  nose, 
(somewhat  expanded,  by  the  way)  her  eye  is  a  curious  and 
almost  a  phenomenon-like  admixture  of  the  nocturnal  and  the 
saffron — her  lip  is  a  "  pouting  lip"— such  a  lip  as  poets  would 
celebrate — as  poets  always  celebrate  a  "  pouting  lip,"  (her 
nether  lip  posesses  a  hanging  propensity — "  but  let  that  pass  ") 
and  her  complexion — ye  gods  what  a  complexion !  has  the 
glistening  qualities  of  Day  &,  Martin's  blacking,  or  what  a 
North  Carolinian  would  say — the  negative  colour  oftar !  We 
are  not  envious  (envy  being  not  a  conspicuous  passion  in  our 
composition)  either  of  Morse,  Inman,  Ingman,  Rogers,  Jewit, 
Waldo,  Jarvis,  Vandelyn,  and  many  others,  and  though  last 
not  least,  the  immortal  Trumbull — but  we  contend  we  have 
drawn  as  good  a  picture  (although  we  have  used  neither  pallet 
nor  pencil)  of  Phebe,  as  either  of  the  above  gentleman  could 
have  done — "  but  no  more  of  that,  Hal,  an  thou  love  me." 
Emma — what  a  beautiful,  sonorous,  poetical,  high-sounding 
name.  Emma — on  the  mere  mention  of  the  name  "how  ma- 
ny gallant  breasts  heave  high,"  and  how  many  "  ardent  pulses 
beat  quickly."  Emma !  is  exquisitely  beautiful,  (can  any 
Emma  be  otherwise  ?)  Emma  is — but  we  confess  we  cannot 
paint  Emma  so  faithfully,  as  truly  to  nature,  as  we  have  delin- 


65 


eated  her  rival  and  antagonist,  Phebe !  Phebe  and  Emma, 
like  Roxana  and  Statira,  acknowledge  but  one  lord  and  mas- 
ter. The  two  former  like  the  two  latter,  entertain  a  centri- 
fugal propensity  towards  each  other,  "but  ever  and  anon" 
there  is  a  centripetal  tendency  likewise  displayed.  Phebe 
and  Emma  encountered  each  other !  they  had  a  battle — a 
pitched  battle  !    We  cast  a  veil  over  the  rest. 


Police, — August  19. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  west,  fine. 
Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

B.  Fetch  hither  Richard,  that  in  common  view 

He  may  surrender,  so  we  shall  proceed  without  suspicion. 
Y.  I  will  be  his  conduct. 

Job  Saltus  says  that  Hezekiah  Batterman  salted  and  bat- 
tered him.  As  pickling  and  pounding  is  not  the  order  of  the 
day,  and  as  it  was  held  to  be  good  law,  that  Hezekiah  had  no 
right  to  confer  the  above  striking  favours  upon  Job,  without 
Job's  tacit,  implied,  orverbal  consent — therefore  decreed  that 
Hezekiah  walk  into  Bridewell, 

Hugh  G  is  a  modern  Jehu — was  caught— wouldn't  walk 

— would  ride — would  drive — rode  on  a  cart — liked  that  mode 
better — rode  down  to  the  Hall  to  pay  this  compliment  to  old 
Hays — likes  old  Hays — considers  him  a  Tartar — likes  all 
Tartars — refused  to  pay  cartage — said  he  would  remit  it  from 
Boston,  the  land  of  his  nativity. 

9 


66 


J  W  ,  a  young  man,  was  committed  for  breaking 

open  a  trunk,  and  stealing  therefrom  $110.  Denies  the 
charge — admits,  however,  that  he  merely  took  $20  out,  and 
that  he  is  not  as  great  a  thief  as  is  generally  imagined. 

Mr.  T  is  a  tea-drinker,  a  considerable  of  a  tea-drinker, 

imitates  Dr.  Johnson  in  that  particular — imitates  the  Doctor, 
also,  in  some  other  respects.  Mr.  T.  is  a  kind  of  walking 
polyglot — so  was  the  Doctor.  The  Doctor  had  read  some, 
concocted  much,  and  had  palmed  upon  the  world  more 
literary  compositions  and  political  quackery,  than  any  man 
of  the  English  Augustan  age,  as  it  has  sometimes  been  called. 
Mr  T.  has  picked  up  a  great  deal  of  a  locomotive  kind  of 
knowledge;  and  if  we  may  believe  Mr.  T.  himself,  he  has  read 
every  thing,  knows  every  thing,  and  knows  every  body — has 
reviewed  histories,  poems,  and  novels,  has  written  histories, 
poems,  and  novels — and,  according  to  his  own  testimony, 
is  the  best  judge  alive  of  novels,  poems,  and  histories 
(a.  pretty  considerable  of  a  great  man.)  But  all  this  is  not 
all  .-^Mr.  T.  snuffles  at  conventicle ;  it  is  true,  Mr.  T. 
has  something  of  a  "  nasal  twang,"  but  that,  by  most  persons, 
is  considered  doubly  interesting.  Mr.  T.  also  visits  his 
neighbours,  and  imparts  to  his  neighbours  what  he  knows, 
freely.  He  will  hold  forth  by  hours  on  topics  multitudinous. 
He  will  give  advice  to  any  man  or  all  men,  (it  don't  make 
any  difference  to  him)  whether  they  wish  advice  or  not. 
This  is  truly,  a  kind,  admonishing,  and  advising  disposition; 
one  that  no  person  can  possibly  object  to.  Mr.  T.had  been  to 
take  a  comfortable  dish  of  tea  (sometimes  called  shouchong) 


67 


with  a  lady,  a  neighbour  of  his,  in  a  quiet,  snug,  comfortable 
sort  of  a  manner,  when  suddenly  there  arose  ! !  yes,  there 
arose  a  noise  !  It  proceeded  from  an  adjoining  habita- 
tion, commonly  called  a  house.  Mr.  T.  left  his  feminine 
neighbour,  and  his  favourite  beverage,  his  tea,  and  rushed — 
not  like  the  waters  of  Niagara,  nor  like  the  phenomenon 
Montmorency,  nor  even  like  the  unobtrusive  rapids  of  the 
Passaic — but  Mr.  T.  rushed,  (we  dislike  prolixity,  and  that  is 
the  principal  reason  why  we  are  so  brief)  but  Mr.  T.  rushed 
into  his  neighbour's  house,  and  discovered !  yes,  he  discov- 
ered !  Mr.  T.  does  not  pretend  to  compete,  as  we  understand, 
with  him  who  first  doubled  the  Cape  of  "  Good  Hope,"  nor 
with  the  discoverer  of  the  Western  World,  nor  with  Cook, 
nor  with  Le  Perouse,  nor  ^vith  Bruce,  nor  with  Park,  nor 
with  Lewis,  nor  with  Clark — but  then  he  claims  the  merit 
of  having  discovered — a  man  and  wife  in  a  state  of  war- 
fare ! !  one  against  another !  His  pacific  feelings  obtained 
the  mastery  of  his  judgment — he  attempted  to  arrest  the 
ravages  of  war,  he  attempted  to  separate  the  belligerants — 
but  the  result  of  his  endeavoiu-s  is  a  common  result,  an  every 
day  occurrence — the  lady  militant,  seized  a  domestic  utensil 
commonly  called  a  pair  of  tongs — and — our  friend  Mr.  T,  is 
marching  about  town  with  two  tolerable  holes  in  his  sconce  ! 
So  much  for  interfering  between  man  and  wife. 


68 


Police, — August  21. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  north,  brisk. 

Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

"Take  her  away,  for  she  has  lived  too  long 
To  fill  the  world  with  vicious  qualities." 

Four  girls,  neither  beautiful  nor  otherwise,  exposed  them- 
selves in  such  a  manner  as  rendered  them  amenable  to  the 
laws,  and  are  now  in  a  situation  by  no  means  to  be  coveted. 

W.  W  is  a  land  pirate — with  salt  and  pepper  colour- 
ed hair — forehead  not  particularly  expanded — Quixotic 
cheeks — eyes  somewhat  vicious,  and  nose  inclining  to  the 
twistical — was  caught  thrusting  his  hand  where  he  had  no 
honourable,  especial,  implied,  equitable,  or  legal  claims  so  to 
do.  The  deed  was  considered  an  impudent  over  deed,  and 
one  that  would  not  be  countenanced  by  the  Magistrates  of  the 

Police.    Mr.  W  is  now  sent  where  he  will  probably  learn 

better  manners. 

Susan  Smith,  a  young  girl,  pretty,  with  two  black  eyes, 
sprightly  and  intelligent,  had  a  rencontre  with  Rachael  Lewis, 
a  tolerable  good  looking  personage  also — had  been  caught  be- 
fore— both  had  been  discovered  in  a  place  unlawful — both  are 
in  a  place  lawful. 

Joshua  Cromwell  drew  a  knife  upon  Mary  Rogers  because 
she  asserted,  that  Joshua  not  only  owed  her  money,  but  that 
he  had  stolen  her  money  also — both  facts  indisputable.  Mr. 
Joshua  Cromwell  will  be  tried. 


69 


A  Mr.  John  Williams  complains  of  another  Mr.  John  Wil- 
liams- John  Williams  the  latter  is  not  precisely  a  Scipio  Af- 
ricanus  the  first,  nor  a  Scipio  Africanus  the  second,  nor  is  he 
a  Hannibal,  but  may  be  more  properly  compared  to  one  of  the 
ancient  gladiators  of  Rome.  Mr.  John  Williams  the  latter 
will  combat,  (has  a  combating  propensity)  with  any  man,  or 
any  set  of  men  that  can  be  brought  before  him — he  don't  care 
a  fig  whether  the  persons  he  may  chance  to  meet  have  a  war- 
like fancy  or  not,  provided  they  will  face  him — has  fought 
three  weeks — is  willing  to  fight  forever — has  fought  till  he 
has  reduced  himself  to  a  state  of  nudity.    Is  taken  care  of. 

James  A  brought  into  the  office  manacled — is  an  out- 
rageous, unprincipled,  infamous  wretch — drew  a  knife  upon 
the  keeper  of  a  livery  stable — has  been  in  the  Penitentiary — 
is  now  in  a  way  to  get  his  deserts. 

A  man  by  the  name  of  Lawless,  and  another  by  the  cogno- 
men of  More,  had  a  furious  combat.  Lawless  was  perfectly 
regardless  of  statutes  in  general,  and  iVfore  cared  nothing  about 
laws,  which  were  reduced  to  a  matter  of  certainty.  Both  in 
an  unenviable  condition. 

/  S  knows  a  ship  from  a  brig,  and  a  brig  from  a 

schooner — knows  the  larboard  side  of  a  vessel  from  the  star- 
board side — ^is  something  of  a  fighter — something  of  a  navi- 
gator— has  been  to  sea  seventeen  years — has  a  wife  in  Bride- 
well— ^wishes  her  out — don't  know  why. 


70 


Thomas  G         is  unfortunately  of  the  same  name  of  a 

number  of  unfortunates  who  chance  to  bear  the  same  name 

with  himself.    The  G  family  is,  however  a  fine  family, 

a  patriotic  family,  and  encourage,  to  the  best  of  their  mental 
and  bodily  abilities,  several  public  institutions.    For  instance, 

one  Mr  G  is  now  picking  oakum  in  Bridewell — another 

is  excavating  granite  at  Blackwell's  Island — a  third  is  learning 
the  trade  of  a  cobbler  at  Sing-Sing — and  a  fourth  is  throwing 

the  shuttle  at  Auburn.    The  fate  of  Thomas  G  ,  gent,  is 

involved  in  a  little  obscurity. 


Police, — August  22. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  west — air  elastic. 

Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

B.  Farewell,  at  once  ;  for  once,  for  all  and  ever! 
G.  Well,  we  may  meet  again ! 
B.  I  fear  mo  never. 

Mrs.  Jane  H  ,  together  with  her  son,  was  brought  up  for 

having  been  a  little  too  free  with  other  people's  chattels  and 
goods.  Mrs.  H.  and  her  son  were  examined  separately, 
and  gave  contradictory  stories  in  relation  to  the  property 
found  upon  them.  It  was  finally  elicited,  however,  that  the 
father  of  the  lad  was  the  real  person  who  had  been  the 
purloiner  of  the  property.  The  lad  was  asked  whether  he 
knew  where  his  father  was? — replied  in  the  affirmative;  was 
asked  whether  he  would  give  the  requisite  information  in 
order  to  his  discovery? — declined  answering.  The  Police 
is  now  on  the  look-out  for  Robert  H 


71 


Miss  R-       M  hale,  fair,  and  frail,  was  brought  to  the 

watch-house.  The  charge  against  her  was  such  as  to  render 
her  an  object  of  suspicion  by  our  vigilant  Police.  "  Proofs 
damnable  "  were  subsequently  produced  against  Miss  M.  and 
she  is  now  committed  for  having  kept  an  infamous  and  dis- 
orderly house. 

Mary  Ann  S  has  "  azure  eyes,"  an  aquiline  nose,  ex- 
panded mouth,  teeth  unmentionable,  an  en  hon  point  figure,  a 
pretty  hand,  except  that  her  fingers  have  somewhat  a  hooked 
appearance,  and  a  hooking  propensity.  Mary  Ann  is  a  wo- 
man that  "bars"  no  obstacles,  but  obstacles  are  barred  against 
her. 

Hercules  Stentor  is  a  night  rover,  and  a  powerful  fellow — 
is  surmounted  with  a  "red  crop" — his  head  and  forehead 
Lavater  might  have  described,  but  we  cannot — we  confess 
our  inability.  Lavater,  too,  possessed  (or  pretended  to  have 
possessed)  more  knowledge  in  the  indiscribable  and  indefina- 
ble science  relating  to  the  cranium,  and  to  physiognomy,  than 
any  other  writer,  and  might  have  portrayed,  had  he  been 
alive,  Mr.  Stentor's  leading  passions  and  peculiar  propensities. 
Mr.  S.  has  an  eye — not  precisely  a  vicious  eye  but  an  eye 
viscous  Mr.  S.  has  also  a  beard,  "  a  cane-coloured  beard," 
(vide  commentaries  on  him  who  is  now  recognized,  by  uni- 
versal consent,  as  the  "  bard  immortal.")  Hercules,  like  the 
individual  who  is  immortalized  in  mythological  history,  is  a 
stout  fellow — may,  by  a  little  forced  fancy,  be  compared  to 
the  far-famed  Milo.    The  Hercules  of  Gotham,  committed  a 


72 


provoking  assault,  and  an  unjustifiable  and  outrageous  batte- 
ry, upon  a  Mr.  Ten  Brook  (translated  by  Washington  Irving 
"  ten  bruches,"  in  his  celebrated  and  authentic  history, 
ycleped  Knickerbocker.)  He  is  now  where  he  will  be 
obliged  to  make  ten  breaches,  at  least,  before  he  will  be 
enabled  to  escape  from  the  hands  of  justice. 


Police, — August  23, 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  S.  W. — fine. 
Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 
"  What  make  you  from  home  ? " 

Nineteen  persons  were  brought  up  this  morning  on  various 
charges ;  one  was  a  coloured  man,  and  the  other  eighteen 
were  foreigners.  We  take  this  occasion  to  remark,  from  our 
own  observation,  that  three-fourths,  or  quite,  of  all  the  cul- 
prits who  are  arrainged  at  our  Police,  claim  as  their  birth- 
place some  other  land,  and  were  bred  under  the  influence  of 
some  other  clime.  This  is  a  sad  commentary  on  the  exer- 
tions of  our  citizens  by  adoption.  We  mean  that  portion  of 
them,  who  are  respectable  and  high-minded,  and  who  would  do 
honour  to  any  country.  Most  of  the  crimes  committed  are 
of  a  minor  character,  and  are  perpetrated  under  the  influences 
of  the  intoxicating  draught.  Would  it  not  be  the  means  of 
arresting,  to  a  vast  extent,  the  progress  of  crime,  were  the 
peaceable,  influential,  and  philanthropic  portion  of  our  natu- 
ralized fellow-citizens  to  form  a  society  for  the  protection  of 


73 


destitute  foreigners  and  the  promotion  of  industry  among 
them? 

Happy  Gotham,  thrice  happy  Gotham!  We  have  among 
us  our  tutors,  our  professors,  our  lecturers,  our  men  of  learn- 
ing, and  our  philosophers — but  never  till  this  morning  were 
we  aware  that  we  were  blessed  in  the  possession  of  a  genuine, 
legitimate  Socrates.  Our  Socrates,  too,  has  a  mate,  the  very 
counterpart  of  that  celebrated  feminine  personage  which  was 
such  a  great  comfort  and  blessing  to  the  first  Socrates — him 
who  flourished  A.  M.  3600.    Our  Xantippe,  in  the  true  spirit 

of  conjugal  affection,  like  Xantippe  of  yore  *  *.  Havs 
will  tell  the  rest  of  the  story. 


Police, — August  24. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  west — delightful. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

"And  will  you  credit  this  base  drudge's  words 
That  speaks  he  knows  not  what? " 

Catharine  Stout  weighs  probably  about  300,  and  is  blessed 
with  a  beautiful  beard— it  is  as  sleek  as  the  covering  of  a 
mole.  She  asked  adandywhat  he  wanted  of  her.  He  retreat- 
ed a  pace  rolled  up  his  eyes,  and  stood  mute. 

Abraham  Filch,  filched  a  linen  habiliment  from  a  lady, 
commonly  called  a  shirt.  The  lady  complains  most  bitterly, 
and  Mr.  Filch  is  in. 

10 


74 


John  Also  presented  himself  aZso — is  60  years  of  age — was 
never  brought     before — has  never  had  any  bringing  up  atall. 

Mary  Devine — possesses  eyes  hazel  and  divine — complains 
of  John  Johnson,  gent.  Mr.  J.  tossed  Miss  D.  about  a  little, 
tore  her  frock  and  pricked  her  with  a  pair  of  scissors.  Miss 
D.  don't  like  it — no  wonder  !  Mr.  J.  has  entered  into  cogni- 
zances. 

Mary  Taylor — just  come  from  Bridewell,  is  just  going  back. 

Susan  White,  flowing,  glossy  hair,  pretty  face,  fine  figure, 
— was  at  service — was  happy — was  doing  well — thought  she 
could  do  better — is  now  picking  oakum  in  Bridewell. 

Mary  Williams  has  not  been  up  here  before  in  six  days — 
considers  the  fact  a  merit.  In  all  probability  Mrs.  Williams 
will  not  trouble  the  Magistrate  again  very  soon. 

Job  Morris,  came  from  Morristown,  in  pursuit  of  employ- 
ment, is  a  farmer  by  profession— has  been  in  New-York  24 
hours.  Was  asked  whether  he  had  found  any  farms  in  New- 
York.  Said,  had  made  diligent  search  but  he  had  dis- 
covered none  as  yet. — Had  seen  the  Park,  St.  John's  Square, 
the  Battery,  and  Washington  Parade  Ground,  but  not  as 
much  as  a  cabbage  stalk  could  he  find  standing  any  where. 
Job  "  cannot  see  the  town  for  the  houses."  Job  is  willing  to 
return  to  Morristown  as  "  swift  as  a  bullet,"  provided  he  is 
permitted  to  depart. 


75 


Five  persons  of  superior  personal  appearance — education 
of  the  first  order — and  though  last  not  least,  possessing  "a 
plenty  of  money,"  rendered  themselves  obnoxious  to  the  law. 
They  selected  Saturday  night  as  a  night  fitting,  and  not  only 
fitting,  but  best  fitting  for  the  display  of  their  various  and 
multitudinous  accomplishments.  They  can  wrestle— hop,  hop- 
skip  and  jump — fight — whistle  a  tune — sing  a  song — or  play 
on  a  horn,  guitar,  or  bass  fiddle.  Would  do  as  they  pleased — 
Watchman  be  .  Notwithstanding  the  gentility  and  ac- 
complishments of  these  roysterers,  they  are  in  the  same  situa- 
tion as  the  particles  of  that  floating  and  aromatic  spice  which 
one  usually  discovers  dancing  upon  the  surface  of  that  bever- 
age which  may  be  said  to  be  not  nutricious !  is  recognized  as 
no  tonic !  held  sacred,  however,  as  an  anodyne,  and  is 
denominated  in  refined  language  a  "  gin  sling."  The  above 
gentlemen  are  "  grated." 

White  Duff,  with  hair  sleet,  and  Sandy  Duff,  with  golden 
locks,  -his  cousin-german  and  brothers-in-law  beside,)  enter- 
tain (vide  testimony)  a  mortal  hatred  toward  each  other — 
never  did  agree,  according  to  oral  accounts — never  could 
agree,  according  to  testimony  incontrovertible — and  never 
would  agree,  if  we  may  put  faith  in  their  asseverations  mu- 
tually;— would  reciprocally  prefer  charges  of  a  heinous 
nature  against  each  other,  viz.  each  would  thrust  his  fist  a  lit- 
tle farther  from  his  body  than  the  law  would  allow,  and  both 
would  make  use  of  words  which  our  statutes  does  not  recog- 
nize other  than  so  many  assaults.  White  had  no  money,  no 
bail,  no  credit,  no  personal  responsibility.    Sandy  is  not  in 


76 


possession  of  any  personal  responsibility,  of  any  credit,  of  any 
bail,  nor  of  any  money.  Mr.  White  Duff  applied  for  assis- 
tance to  a  Mr.  Clark  outside  of  the  bar,  and  Mr.  Sandy  Duff 
made  personal  application  to  the  "  dark "  of  the  Police. 
Both  applications  were  considered  not  precisely  preposterous, 
but  ill-timed.    See  Aldermam  T  . 


Police, — August  25. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  S.  W.  still  fine. 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

"  Sudden,  she  storms!  she  raves!  you  tip  the  wink, 
But  sparo  your  censure;  Silia  does  not  drink. 
All  eyes  may  see  from  what  the  change  arose; 
All  eyes  may  see — a  pimple  on  her  nose." 

"  A  lusty  friar"  looking  kind  of  personage  was  caught  in 
a  bad  way.  Is  not  vciy  fond  of  the  jui(es  of  tha  g  ape — j  ays 
his  devotions,  however,  pretly  frequently  to  the  godde-s  of 
beauty.  When  he  was  asked,  what  he  had  to  say  in  reference 
to  his  conduct,  threw  up  his  eyes,  put  his  hands  on  his  bare 
sconce,  shook  his  head,  and  said  " nothing" 

Henry  J         and  W         <S          wish  to  fight — have  a 

fighting  propensity  don't  care  for  any  person  or  persons,  and 
put  at  defiance  all  watchmen.  Considered  a  little  too  warlike 
— are  now  engaged  in  a  more  peaceable  business. 


77 


Susan  HTDougal,  70  years  of  age,  gets  intoxicated,  injures 
herself  personally,  and  annoys  her  neighbours  prodigiously. 
Is  in  a  way  to  do  no  more  harm. 

Moll]/  Smith  is  from  the  country,  and  sells  "yarbs."  The 
captain  of  the  watch,  supposing  that  2  o'clock  in  the  morning 
was  a  little  too  early  for  the  vending  of  that  species  of  agri- 
cultural product,  thought  proper  to  bring  Molly  to  the  watch- 
house.  Molly  will  dispose  of  her  "yarbs"  hereafter,  during 
the  reign  of  Aurora. 

John  K   stole  a  hat — was  sorry  for  it — the  law,  how- 
ever, will  not  allow  Mr.  K.  to  walk  off  unpunished. 

/ 

Simon  Somno  walks  about  in  his  sleep — can't  help  it — 
walks  sometimes  in  one  guise,  sometimes  in  another — walks 
sometimes  where  he  has  no  particular  right  to  walk — it  is  an 
infirmity — walked  into  a  lady's  bed  chamber — didn't  know  it, 
wasn't  aware  of  it — frightened  the  lady  excessively  to  be  sure 
— thought  she  was  more  alarmed  than  was  necessary — was 
willing  to  apologize.    The  apology  was  accepted. 

A  barber  was  discovered  in  the  interesting  and  amorous 
act  of  making  love  to  his  enamorata,  at  the  distance,  more  or 
less,  of  about  60  feet.  One  of  the  lovers  w"as  on  the  east  side 
of  Bowery,  tlie  other  on  the  west — the  hour,  the  romantic, 
the  witching  hour  of  three  in  the  morning.  Considered  too 
loving  by  a  good  deal — taken. 


78 


Two  beautiful  creatures  of  the  feminine  gender,  made  their 
courtesies.  The  one  is  called  Mary,  and  is  sometimes  denom- 
inated the  Mary  Stuart  of  Gotham  ;  the  other  is  named  Jane, 
and  would  remind  one  forcibly  of  her  who  sued  for  her  de- 
parted husband's  confiscated  patrimony,  and  obtained  a  mo- 
narch's hand.  The  one  is  tall — the  other  is  not  short ;  the  one 
has  a  quick  tongue — the  other  is  blessed  with  a  tongue  that  is 
not  particularly  sZou);  onehasiwo black  eyes — the  other  black 
eyes  too ;  one  had  long  hair  but  it  does  not  flow  in  the  wind  as 
luxuriantly  as  it  was  wont — the  other  had  a  nose,  but  she  walks 
about  now  with  something  stuckin  the  middle  of  her  face,  that 
would  resemble  any  thing  but  the  prominent  feature  of  the 
"human  face  divine."  Our  Mary  and  Jane  were  friends  of 
long  standing — they  had  been  friends  from  their  youth — had 
entertained  a  tender  afiection  for  each  other  even  from  the 
days  of  their  infancy — hadn't  seen  each  other  for  a  long  time 
— they  met,  met  suddenly  and  unexpectedly,  at  about  twelve 
at  night — they  embraced,  whispered  to  each  other  gently, 
talked  audibly,  and  ever  and  anon  would  elevate  their  voices 
in  such  a  manner,  as  would  mock  the  roarings  of  a  night 
storm.  All  this  was  not  particularly  entertaining  nor  agree- 
able to  an  exquisite,  who  happened  at  this  particular  crisis, 
to  be  engaged,  hard  by,  in  celebrating  the  beauties  of  his 
"  mistress'  eye-brow,"  in  madrigal  and  sonata.  We  do  not 
marvel  why  our  gentleman  should  have  considered  himself 
particularly  annoyed,  and  his  "tender  passion"  especially 
outraged.  Fancy  a  swain  of  the  interesting  age  of  manly 
sixty-seven — hat  in  hand — surmounted  with  a  borrowed  cov- 
ering, called,  by  our  lexicographers,  a  wig  (and  curled  in 


79 


Oliver's  best  style^ — his  person  adorned  as  well  as  it  could  be, 
by  one  of  our  most  distinguished  tailors — in  the  act  of 
"  doing  his  best "  as  he  expressed  it,  to  bear  away  captive  the 
heart  of  a  "  most  delicious  creature  " — a  heart  that  beats  re- 
sponsively,  as  he  verily  and  truly  believes,  to  his  own,  in  the 
bosom  of  a  maiden  lady  of  interesting  and  sweet  sixty-six. 
Imagine  sixty-six  and  sixty-seven  in  the  very  act  of  rushing 
into  the  embraces  of  each  other's  arms — and  imagine,  too, 
(awful  !)  the  whole,  natural,  amorous,  interesting,  exquisitely 
interesting,  romantic  scene,  marred  by  the  mal-presence  and 
loud  laughs  of  our  two  beauties  of  the  feminine  gender. 
Sixty-six  ran  one  way  and  sixty-seven  the  other — they  are 
running  per  last  accounts,  and  will  probably  continue  to  run 
till  they  meet  each  other  at  the  antipodes. 


Police, — August  28. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  delightful. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

"  Aroint  the  witch." 

Owen  M^Gown  committed  a  trifling  error — took  a  lady's 
bundle  instead  of  his  own  bundle — is  committed. 

James  G  was  sent  by  his  employer  with  10  shillings  to 

buy  screws — bought  5  shillings  worth,  and  expended  the  rest 
of  the  money  in  his  own  way.  Is  put,  in  poetical  language, 
under  the  screws. 


80 


James  Day  is  an  honest  man  in  the  day-time.  Is  paying 
his  devoirs  to  the  keeper  of  Bridewell. 

A  gentleman  from  another  land — a  foreign  land — cried  mtir- 
ther — was  not  aware  of  the  circumstance — liked  a  dream, 
however,  in  some  cases,  better  than  a  reality — contended  that 
he  was  dreaming.  The  prisoner  was  too  genteel  to  be  doubted, 
personally ;  yet,  facts  of  an  oblique  nature  operated  very 
naturally  against  him. — He  is — ask  the  watchman. 

Amelia  Roberts — did  not  come  from  the  borders  of  the 
Red  Sea,  nor  from  Congo,  nor  from  the  "  regions  round 
about"  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope,  nor  even  from  the  neigh- 
bourhood of  the  city  founded  by  Dido ;  but  Amelia  came 
from  that  continent,  in  all  probability,  which  gave  birth  to 
a  Memnon,  a  Sesostris,  and  a  Pharaoh.  Amelia  has  come 
a  long  way  to  do  evil. 

John  Chaunter  is  quite  a  forcible  and  interesting  singer. 
John  has  some  good  traits  in  his  character — some  indifferent, 
and  some  a  little  worse  than  bad.  John  is  no  gormandizer — 
but  then  John  makes  up  the  deficiency  in  his  edibles,  by 
copious  libations — not  in  honour  of  some  mythological  deity 
—  but  for  the  gratification  of  himself,  and  for  his  own  especial 
convenience.  Some  might  suppose  that  our  hero  was  exclu- 
sively devoted  to  wine — not  so.  John  has  no  particular  aver- 
sion to  Cognac,  Hollands,  Jamaica,  St.  Croix,  or  New-England 
— smokes  prodigiously,  chews  intolerably,  and  snuffs — snuffs 
not  precisely  in  imitation  of  him,  who  occupied  the  throne 


81 


of  France,  just  subsequently  to  the  celebrated  abdication  at 
Fontainbleau — but  John  snuffs  !  John  was  engaged  in  the 
laudible  business  of  alternately  amusing  and  delighting  some 
dozen  or  fifteen  neighbours  of  his,  who  had  assembled  at  a  cer- 
tain public  house  in  this  city,  by  singing  ditties,  and  chaunting 
"  songs  of  love."  When  suddenly  there  sprang  from  his 
seat  a  Jack  Cade  sort  of  a  person,  and  swore  by  old  Vulcan 
and  Eutei-pe,  that  John  was  no  singer  and  knew  nothing  of 
music.  John  considered  himself  scandalized,  and  his  reputa- 
tion as  a  musician  assailed.  Jack  couldn't  help  it,  but  would 
give  his  opinion  freely.  John  said  he  was  growing  warm  ! 
Jack  said  he  would  cool  him,  and  "  suiting  the  action  to  the 
word,"  threw  a  pitcher  of  water  upon  John.  John,  very 
naturally,  rolled  up  his  sleeves — then  rolled  up  his  eyes — 
and  then  ran  as  if  forty  devils  were  after  him.  Jack  Cade, 
the  younger,  is  in  a  bad  way,  being  the  aggressor. 


Police, — August  27. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning,  wind  S.  S.  W.  and  still  pleasant. 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

C.  How  now  ?  What  is  the  matter  ?  Who  was  here  ? 
P.  Ah!  Ah! 

C.  Why  sigh  you  so  profoundly  ? 

Thomas  Ronald  is  an  old  offender — is  now  in  a  situation 
to  offend  no  more. 

Betty  M^Gaham  is  disorderly — is  not  put  under  the  orders 
of  an  Orderly  Sergeant — but  is  under  orders. 

11 


82 


Richard  Striker,  did  strike  her,  that  is,  he  inflicted  several 
severe  a  nd  unwarrantable  bloivs  upon  Miss  Bellows. 

Several  Assaults  and  Batteries  were  committed,  some 
of  minor  importance,  and  others  of  an  aggravated  nature. 
All  concerned,  however,  will  be  dealt  with  according  to  law. 

John  Crosby  and  Susan  Crosby  keep  a  house  of  a  ques- 
tionable character— live  in  a  state  of  warfare  one  against  the 
other— the  neighbours  assemble,  sometimes,  to  make  peace. 

John  Lolly— red  hair,  red  beard,  nose  expanded,  under  lip 
somewhat  pendant,  upper  lip  considerably  uppish,  was  brought 
up  for  about  the  fortieth  time,  for  whipping  his  wife. 

Amelia  Wiggins  was  brought  up  for  disorderly  conduct. 
Amelia  could  not  palliate  her  conduct — had  no  excuse  to 
offer.    Toor  Amelia— unfortunate  Amelia— deluded  Amelia ! 

Peter  Wells  requests  that  the  Magistrate  will  "  pity  the  sor- 
rows of  a  poor  old  man."  Peter  is  an  honest  man,  but  is  in 
a  destitute  condition.  Every  thing  that  ought  to  be  done  will 
be  done  for  Teter. 

An  incendiary  was  caught  in  the  act  of  firing  a  lumber  yard; 
the  combustible  materials  employed  by  the  wretch  for  the 
perpetration  of  the  deed,  are  now  in  the  Police  Office.  It  is 
unnecessary  to  say  where  this  personage  is. 


83 


Mary  Stevenson  entertains  the  opinion  that  "  time  is  mo- 
ney;" and  having  no  instrument  or  machine  whereby  she 
might  keep  the  proper  "note  of  time,"  thought  proper  to  ob- 
tain one  at  all  hazards.  She  is  now  in  close  confinement  for 
a  time. 

Tliree  exquisitely  beautiful  creatures,  of  the  human  form 
and  face  divine,  and  of  the  feminine  gender,  came  to  the 
office,  as  we  would  imagine,  for  the  purpose  of  making  ex- 
periments on  the  force  of  their  lungs,  respectively.  One 
talked  loudly,  ihaVs  positive ;  the  second  talked  louder,  that's 
comparative  ;  and  the  third  talked  loudest,  and  that's  super- 
lative. The  degrees  of  comparison  were  illustrated  com- 
pletely.    Neither  Murray  nor  Cardell  could  have  done  better. 


Police, — August  28. 

Half  past  fotir,  A.  M.  wind  S.  E.  and  blowing  freshly. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

There's  many  a  beast,  then,  in  a  populous  city, 
And  many  a  civil  monster. 

J         W          committed  a  malignant  and  unprovoked 

assault  and  battery  upon  the  person  of  a  Mr.  J.  J.  W,  will  be 
tried  at  the  next  Sessions. 

P  S  was  presented  by  the  Captain  of  the  watch,  as  a 

man  apparently  destitute  of  the  means  of  procuring  a  liveli- 
hood.   Mr.  S.  is  probably  65  or  70 — a  mere  wreck  of  him 


84 


who,  in  former  times,  was  wealthy,  respectable  and  talented 
— the  mere  shadow  of  that  individual  whose  crest  was  once 
elevated  with  manly  pride  among  his  fellow  men,  and  who 
gave  utterance  to  his  thoughts  only  to  discourse  wisdom  and 
eloquence.  Such  was  the  individual  who  stood  before  one 
of  the  Magistrates  of  our  Police— such  was  the  individual,  too, 
who  was  asked  whether  he  had  any  means  of  obtaining  a 
living  for  himself?  He  placed  his  hand  on  his  brow,  and 
was  silent.  The  question  was  repeated.  Tears  fell  rapidly 
from  the  poor  old  man's  eyes.  Was  asked,  in  the  kindest 
manner  possible,  whether  he  had  any  objection  to  going  to 
the  Aims-House,  for  a  short  time?  When  this  question  was 
asked — but  we  cast  a  veil  over  the  rest — we  cannot  express 
ourselves  in  language  adequate  to  the  scene.  We  trust  we  *• 
shall  never  be  doomed  to  witness  a  similar  one  again. 


Police, — Aug  ust  29. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning,  wind  S.  W.  still  salubrious". 

Justice  HoPsoN,  Present. 

"  Fellow,  why  dost  thou  show  me  thus  to  the  world  ? 
Bear  me  to  prison,  where  I  am  committed." 

A  gentleman  of  the  names  of  William  Wilson  and  Robert 
Rogers  yesterday,  and  of  no  name  at  all  to-day,  was  consider- 
ed in  New-Jersey,  by  the  "  Jersey  blues,"  an  odd  sort  of  a 
traveller.  The  gentleman  who  was  at  first  blessed  Avith  two 
christian  and  two  surnames,  and  then  suddenly  left  without  any 
name  to  bless  himself  with,  was  discovered  wending  his  way 


85 


through  New-Jersey  towards  New- York,  enveloped  in  a  wrap- 
per commonly  called  a  blanket,  as  if  a  score  of  Belzebubs  were 
in  pursuit  of  him.  Our  traveller  was  liberal  to  a  fault,  and  by 
way  of  conciliating'  the  "  Jarseys,"  and  being,  as  has  been 
subsequently  ascertained,  an  itinerant  politician,  and  a  s«;?;)er- 
sort  of  an  orator,  and  withal  a  great  singer,  had  the  liberality 
to  pay  for  whatever  he  received,  sometimes  twice,  sometimes 
thrice,  occasionally  five  times,  and,  by  way  of  (as  he  called  it) 
a  flourish,  ten  times  as  much  as  the  articles  called  for  were 
worth.  The  Jarseys  suspected — the  Jarseys  pursued — the 
Jarseys  overtook  our  knight  of  the  blanket,  on  the  instant  of 
his  planting  his  foot  upon  Manhattan  shore.  He  was  brought 
to  our  police — was  recognised  as  an  old  acquaintance — was 
divested  of  S7000,  of  which  he  could  give  no  account — is  now 
making  speeches  to  the  prisoners  in  Bridewell. 

John  Handy  walked  into  the  office,  was  completely  horri- 
Jied—goes  of  errands,  shaves,  blacks  boots,  cooks,  and  plays 
on  a  fiddle,  or  does  any  thing  else  that  comes  handy.  Bought 
a  glass  of  cider  by  way  of  making  himself  comfortable,  and 
presented  a  $1  Montreal  bill.  The  landlord  swore  pretty 
roundly  that  the  bill  was  nothing  but  a  Canada  fl,ve  shilling 
hill,  and  that  if  Mr.  Handy  wanted  any  change,  he  might  go 
down  to  the  'change  and  procure  it.  Mr.  Handy  was  on  his 
way  to  the  'change,  as  he  was  directed,  marching  down  in  a 
genuine  Simon  Pure  style,  when  he  was  accidentally  met  by 
a  gentleman  who  advised  him  to  make  his  devoirs  to  the 
magistrates  of  the  Police.  Our  odd  landlord  is  in  a  singular 
situation. 


86 


Police, — August  30. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  south-east. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

"  See  that  thou  com'st  not  here  again." 

The  morning  rioters  (a  new  species  of  rioters)  were  caught 
in  Little  Water-street — in  a  condition  not  to  be  envied. 

A  lady  caught  in  Murray-street,  at  1  o'clock,  A.  M.  the 
watchman  considered  it  rather  early  rising  for  a  delicate,  beau- 
tiful female — not  as  comfortable  as  she  was. 

There  is  a  search-warrant  out  against  one  who  was  hitherto 
supposed  to  be  respectable- — strong  condemnatory  proofs 
against  him. 

Two  persons  had  a  dispute  (we  cannot  mention  their 
names  ;)  one  fired  a  gun  at  the  other-in  Bridewell. 

SamuelJ  is  a  receiver  of  stolen  goods  ;  will  be  con- 
demned by  a  Jury  undoubtedly. 

A  B   kicks  his  neighbours— won't  be  in  a 

kicking  condition  again,  very  soon,  at  least. 

A  roarer  cried  fire  at  12  at  night— the  watchman  inquired 
where?  Answer— "In  my  mind's  eye  !"— Brought  to  the 
watch-house,  as  our  night-guardian  considered  the  gentleman 
a  Uttle  too  much  on  the  Stentorian  and  Shakspearean  order. 


87 


Police, — August  31. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  veering  towards  the  east. 
Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

"  The  moon  was  beaming  silver  bright, 
"  The  eye  no  cloud  could  view." 

John  S  is  a  great  smoker — smoked  a  landlady  a  little 

—flurried  her,  and  then  put  her  into  hysterics,  and  then — ran 
away  with  a  box  of  segars.  Taken. 

Pettit  Larcy,  Esq.  committed  petit  larceny — stole  two  mar- 
ket baskets  and  their  valuable  contents. 

A  woman  suspected  of  stabbing  her  husband — unnatural — 
in  an  awkward  predicament. 

A  jioet  was  caught — a  genuine  poet — a  poet  beyond  the 
power  of  cavil !  He  was  caught  celebrating  his  birth-day — 
he  was  discovered  revelling  in  all  the  delights  of  imaginary 
bliss — declares  that  he  "  created  worlds  and  then  imagined 
new,"  all  the  while  "  his  eye  in  a  fine  phrenzy  rolling."  Our 
bard  would  remind  one  forcibly  of  Byron ;  he  has  what  a 
painter  or  a  sculptor  would  term  a  Byronic  countenance — has 
repudiated  his  wife — possesses  a  morbid  sensibility  in  refer- 
ence to  mankind  in  general — learning  great,  genius  unbound- 
ed— gets  drunk  on  gin,  and  gets  sober  on  soda-water  and 
hoc — is  club-footed,  so  was  Lord  Byron — our  poet  was  a  great 
swimmer,  so  was  Lord  Byron— Lord  Byron  crossed  the  Hel- 


88 


lespont,  our  friend  swam  the  Spitendevil.  Not  to  keep  our 
readers  in  suspense,  and  not  to  deprive  them  longer  of  the 
pleasure  of  reading  the  following  matchless  effusion,  we  sub- 
join it  without  further  circumlocution. 

MY  BIRTH  DAY. 

My  birth-day — oh  my  birth-day  ! 

The  day  that  I  was  born — 
I  used  to  have  a  party  gay, 

And  roasted  ears  of  corn  ; 
And  little  girls  and  little  boys 

All  dressed  up  so  neat. 
We  used  to  make  a  little  noise, 

And  lightsome  where  our  feet. 

Oh  !  I  do  well  remember 

How  happy  we  used  to  be, 
On  that  cold  day  in  December, 

When  we  all  played  "  come  to  sec." 
Years  flew  then  like  weeks, 

And  I  was  full  of  fun, 
I'd  kiss  the  girls  with  chubby  cheeks — 

And  o'er  "  banks  and  braes  "  we'd  run. 

I  remember  once  I  had  a  sleigh, 

And  Jackson  was  its  name  ; 
It  would  run  as  well  on  Clay, 

When  snow  was  melt  and  gone. 
But  on  my  tenth  birth-day 

The  snow  was  on  the  ground, 
I  put  my  sweetheart  on  the  sleigh 

And  rode  her  all  around. 

Then  all  the  boys  took  turns. 

And  drew  the  little  girls — 
And  winds  blew  o'er  the  ferns 

And  floated  back  their  curls. 
Oh  !  'twas  a  pleasant  sight  to  see 

Our  hearts  so  blythe  and  gay, 
And  see  us  sport  as  merrily 

As  if  'twas  the  month  of  May. 


8d 

My  birth  place  was  a  cottage  small, 

With  windows  small  and  low, 
The  chickens  I  would  feed  them  all, 

Before  to  school  I'd  go. 
And  every  night  I  went  to  bed, 

I  would  Itneel  down  and  pray 
And  cover  up  my  tiny  head, 

To  keep  all  fears  away. 

I  would  my  heart  was  calm 

As  when  I  was  a  boy. 
And  I  could  the  balm 

Of  refreshing  sleep  enjoy  ; 
But  no — as  we  grow  old 

Life's  troubles  round  us  flow, 
And  every  friend  seems  cold 

Age,  cold  as  winter  snow. 


Police, — September  5. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  bracing. 

Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

Why  dost  thou  laugh  ?  it  fits  not  with  this  hour. 

Crime  decreasing — not  as  many  cases  as  usual.  A  few 
assaults ;  a  few  batteries ;  a  few  larcenies  ;  no  counterfeiters  ; 
no  robbers ;  no  incendiaries. 

P.  S.  Patience  is  a  good  quality — indeed  all  persons  ought 
to  exercise  it — but  we  must  confess  our  patience  is  sometimes 
most  dreadfully  shaken.  Our  devil  will  play  the  deuce  occa- 
sionally, and  no  one  can  stop  him — and  what  can  we  do? 
Now,  no  longer  ago  than  yesterday,  he  spoiled,  completely 

13 


90 


spoiled,  that  exquisitely  beautiful  poem,  published  under  the 
Police  head,  commencing  with 

"  My  birth  day  '.  oh,  tny  birth  day  !  " 
We  will  not  enter  into  particulars,  but  we  will  simply  state 
that  the  orthography  was  changed,  the  syntax  was  changed, 
the  prosody  was  changed,  every  thing,  nearly,  was  changed 
— the  devil  would  have  it  so — he  knew  better  than  the  poet 
himself!    We  will  instance  one  case — our  bard  writes  thus  t 

"  I  remember  once  I  had  a  slay., 
***** 

I  put  my  sweetheart  on  the  slay. 
And  rode  her  all  around." 

Now,  our  devil  swore  (as  we  are  informed)  by  Sam  Johnson 
and  John  Walker,  that  slay  should  be  sleigh,  and  accor- 
dingly, suiting  the  "action  to  the  word,"  as  well  as  the 
"  word  to  the  action,"  out  went  slay,  and  in  went  sleigh. 
We  know  of  no  way  of  making  amends  to  the  public  and  to 
our  poet,  than  by  subjoining  the  following  stanza,  printed 
precisely  as  it  was  written : 

I  remember  once  I  had  a  slay 

And  Jackson  was  its  name 
It  would  run  as  well  on  Clay 

When  snow  was  melt  and  gone 
But  on  my  tenth  birth  day 

The  snow  was  on  the  ground 
-  I  put  my  sweetheart  on  the  slay 

And  rode  her  all  around 

A  number  of  persons,  as  we  are  informed,  are  under  the 
impression,  that  we  claim  the  high  honour  of  being  the  author 
of  the  poem  of  which  the  above  is  an  extract.    We  know  it 


91 


is  not  an  uncommon  thing  to  build  up  a  reputation  at  the 
expense  of  a  neighbour,  and  to  appear  before  the  public  with 
laurels  which  have  been  won  by  another.  There  were  a  score 
of  persons,  at  least,  who  claimed  to  be  the  authors  of  Junius 
— not  conjointly,  but  singly.  But  we  are  aware  that  disgrace 
attended  them  all !  Shall  we  fall  into  the  same  error  ?  No  ! 
let  him  who  wins  a  battle  bear  off  the  palm  of  victory — ^let 
him  who  writes  a  poem  similar  to  the  one  of  which  we  have 
been  speaking,  enjoy  the  immeasurable  renown  which  natu- 
rally follows  its  publication. 


Police, — September  8. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — breezes  strong. 

Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

"  One  can  make  nothing  out  of  nothing." 

Crime  is  still  on  the  decline  in  our  city,  if  we  may  judge 
from  the  cases  which  came  before  the  Police  this  morning : 
there  were  only^ce,  and  those  entirely  unimportant.  We  do 
not  say  that  our  Police  Reports  have  produced  this  wonder- 
ful and  agreeable  result.  No  !  we  will  leave  that  for  others 
to  say  ! ! ! 


92 


Police, — September  12. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  north — bracing. 

Alderman  Valentine,  Present. 

"  Swifter  than  the  arrow  from  the  bow  he  flew." 

Crime,  we  are  happy  to  say,  is  not  increasing,  although 
our  population  is. 

Timothy  Fish  was  caught ;  he  is  an  odd  fish,  not  pickled, 
but  fresh  from  New-Jersey. 

Magistrate.  What  is  your  name  ? 
Prisoner.  Timothy  Feish. 
M.  Whence  came  you  ? 
P.  Seir. 

M.  Where  did  you  come  from  ? 

P.  Why  do  you  wish  to  kneow  ?    I  guess — 

M.  No  guessing,  if  you  please,  but  answer  my  questions. 

P.  I  am  parfectly  willing ;  but  I'm  raather  inclined  to  guess. 

M.  Silence  ! 

P.  O  yes,  sartainly,  I  can  be  as  meutc  as  a  dumb/eisA. 
M.  Where  did  you  come  from  ? 
P.  Ceome  freom  ? 
M.  Yes. 

P.  I  ceam  last  from  Middleteown-pint. 
M.  How  do  you  get  to  the  city  ? 
P.  Why  deo  you  wish  to  kneow  ? 

M.  I  shall  send  you  to  Bridewell  immediately,  unless  you 
answer  my  questions  promptly.  (On  the  instant  the  prisoner 
stood  as  mute  as  a  dumb  fish,  indeed — his  hair  uprose — his 


93 


eyes  glared — his  mouth  stood  ajar — he  slowly  cast  his  eyes 
around  the  office — he  looked  alternately  at  the  constable  in 
waiting,  at  the  Captain  of  the  Watch,  and  the  Magistrate.  It 
would  seem  from  his  appearance,  that  he  saw  nothing  com- 
fortable, nothing  cheering,  nothing  to  hope  for.) 

M.  I  repeat  the  question,  how  did  you  get  to  the  city? 

P.  I  ceam  in  a  Middleteown  pint  sleoop  from  Jarsey. 

M.  What  is  your  business  in  the  city  ? 

jP.  I  ceam  to  see  the  teown. 

M.  Were  you  born  in  New-Jersey  ? 

P.  O  no,  I  was  heorn  and  bred  in  Bay  State. 

M.  What  do  you  follow  for  a  living  ? 

P.  Whey,  seir,  I  make  wooden  clocks,  make  sheos,  sheoe 
hearses,  and  play  on  a  fiddle. 

M.  How  came  you  to  be  arrested  and  brought  here  ? 

P.  Whey,  seir,  I'll  tell  you :  you  must  kneow  that  I  came 
to  teown  in  a  Middleteown  pint  sleoop. 

M.  You  informed  me  of  that  fact  before. 

P.  So  I  did ! 

M.  Proceed. 

P.  Well,  I  was  on  heoard  of  the  Middletown  pint  sleoop — 
the  sleoop  was  lying  in  the  East  river,  sneug  by  the  deock,  at 
the  foot  of  Warnut-street — I  had  my  fiddle  with  me,  and  I 
was  fiddlin. 

M.  You  were  findling — go  on. 

P.  Yees  seir,  I  ■wasfiddlin\  and  I  guessed  it  would  be  com- 
fortable to  go  ashore  and  fiddle  for  the  gals. 
M.  Well. 


94 


fiddled  Yeankit  Ueoodle,  i3/,acA- jeoS,,  Rotlio  CasUe,  and  All  in  my  eye  Bttly  Mtartin." 


P.  I  walked  up  Warnut-sirGei,  and  struck  up  Nancy  Daw- 
son, and  the  gals  fieocked  abeout  me  a  darn  sight  thicker  than 
hasty  puddin\  They  pulled  a.nd  heauled  me  into  a  hcouse  (the 
heouse  I  never  saw  before),  and  I  fiddled  Yeankce  Deoodle, 
Blcack  Jeoke,  Roslin  Castle,  and  All  in  my  eye  Betty  Meartin. 

M.  You  drank  a  little,  I  suppose  ? 

P.  O  yes,  I  sceorn  to  tell  a  lie  ;  I  drank  a  little  and  fiddled 
a  little — fiddled  a  little  and  drank  a  litlle  agin — when  that 
dar  nation  feller,  there,  (pointing  to  the  watchman)  walked  in, 
and  here  I  am  in  this  tarnal  hole. 

M.  What  is  that  under  your  arm  ? 

P.  It's  my  fiddle. 

M.  Take  it  out  of  the  case ;  I  am  inclined  to  think  you 
arc  an  impostor. 


95 

P.  No,  I'm  not. 

M.  Now  give  me  a  specimen  of  your  art. 

P.  As  seoon  as  I  put  her  in  teune.  (Here  Mr.  Fish  com- 
menced with  link,  tink,  tink,  tink, — saw,  saw,  saw,  saw.) 

P.  I'll  give  you  Rousseau's  Dream,  (Here  our  musician 
plays,  with  his  eyes  intently  fixed  on  those  of  the  Magistrate.) 

M.  What  kind  of  a  tune  is  that  1 

P.  O,  I  never  felt  so  tarnally  like  crying  in  all  mey  beorn 
days. 

M.  Can't  you  play  a  livelier  tune  than  that  ? 
P.  I'll  trey.    (Here  Mr.  Fish  played  a  tune  of  a  quicker 
mode.) 

M.  Is  that  a  favourite  tune  where  you  came  from  ? 

P.  At  Middleteown  pint !  dearnation !  the  gals  there 
want  scomething  five  times  as  fast ! 

M.  Play  a  Middletown  Point  tune;  I  wish  to  know  whether 
you  are  deceiving  me  or  not.  (Here  Mr.  F.  looked  all  about 
the  office,  rolled  up  his  eyes,  drew  a  deep  sigh,  and  com- 
menced jogging  his  elbow  a  Utile  more  rapidly  than  the  best 
leader  in  the  best  orchestra  in  town  !)  I  shall  permit  you  to 
depart,  provided  you  return  immediately  to  Middletown  Point; 
if  you  are  caught  I  shall  send  you  to  Bridewell. 

P.  Tarnaim 

M  OlScer  open  the  door.  (Whereupon  Mr.  Timothy  Fish 
rushed  out  of  the  office  like  a  "  streak  of  lightnin'."  In  a 
moment  afterwards  we  saw  him  running  through  the  Park — 
fiddle  in  one  hand,  and  fiddle-case  in  the  other— with  a  speed 
that  would  rival  that  of  an  Eclipse.  Whether  Mr.  F.  looked 
behind  him  before  he  arrived  at  Middleteown  pint,  we  know- 
not.) 


96 


Police, — September  13. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  east — storm  brewing. 

Justice  IIopsoN,  Present. 

"  O,  thou  hast  damnable  iteration  ;  and  art  able  to  corrupt  a  saint. 
Thou  hast  done  much  harm  upon  me." 

M  J   is  neither  an  iron-beater,  a  fur-beater, 

nor  a  gold-beater,  and  yet  Mr.  J.  is  a  heater.  He  is  not  a 
beater  at  cock-fights,  trotting-matches,  or  horse-races — still 
Mr.  J.  is  a  heater.    Mr.  J.  is  a  heater  of  men  a  la  mode  Cribb. 

J  D  is  a  great  talker,  a  loud  talker,  and  talks 

occasionally  somewhat  indecently — is  determined  to  "  make 
a  noise  in  the  world ;"  is  bent  upon  making  himself  a  citizen 
of  distinction — a  gentleman  of  notoriety.  The  channel  of  Mr. 
J.  D.'s  ideas  is  somewhat  up-river-ish — must,  however,  sail 
down  the  current  of  public  opinion.  His  situation  is  not  to 
be  coveted. 

Mr.  G  J  ,  like  Prometheus,  stole ;  like  Prome- 
theus, also,  Mr.  J.  is  deceitful,  cunning,  and  addicted  to  fraud. 
Unlike,  however,  the  son  of  Japetus,  instead  of  stealing  from 
Jupiter  himself,  he  filched  from  Jew-Peter !  Instead,  also,  of 
filching ^re — that  kind  of  fire  which  animates  clay — Mr.  G.  J. 
filched  a  pocket-hook,  worth  twelve  and  a  half  cents  ! ! !  Proof 
positive — couldn't  get  over  it. 

Mr.  P  iS  was  destitute  of  genteel  habiliments. 


97 


Mr.  S.  ever  has  been  a  gentleman,  is  a  gentleman,  and  always 
intends  to  be  a  gentleman ;  has  dressed  genteelly  ever,  dresses 
genteelly  still,  and  intends  to  dress  genteelly /orere?-.  That 
for  which  Mr.  S.  was  introduced  to  the  Magistrate,  is  an  error 
not  precisely  venal,  but  bordering  closely  on  the  habitual. 

Mr.  S  ,  Gent.,  walked  off,  between  sun-set  and  sun-rise, 

with  two  coats — not  his  own  coats.    Is  walked  in. 

John  G  knocked  down  his  neighbour,  Samuel  B  , 

with  a  plane.  This  was  considered  a  -plain  case,  as  a  severe 
cut  on  Mr.  B.'s  cheek  was  plain-ly  to  be  seen.  Mr.  G.  is  in 
an  awkward  predicament. 

A  lady  complains  that  a  gentleman  had  the  rudeness,  the 
impertinence,  the  impudence,  the  wickedness,  the  effrontery, 
and  the  audacity,  to — sprinkle  water  in  her  face  ! ! !  The 
gentleman  will  have  to  apologize  or  suffer. 

Three  elegantes  were  seized,  two  of  whom  were  sentenced 
six  months  each  to  the  Penitentiary  ;  the  third  lady  was  sen- 
tenced three  months  only,  as  she  was  supposed  to  be  less  cul- 
pable than  her  two  infamous  and  wretched  companions. 
When  she  reached  Bridewell,  she  invoked  a  malediction  upon 
the  Magistrate,  and  told  Alderman  Thorpe  that  she  considered 
herself  slighted — that  she  ought  to  have  had  the  privilege  of 
going  to  the  Penitentiary  six  months,  as  well  as  her  compan- 
ions. Poor  creature!  her  misfortunes  (the  result  of  crime) 
pressed  heavily  upon  her — she  knew  not  what  she  said. 

13 


98 


Police, — September  14. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  west — bracing. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

O. — Alas,  poor  fool !  how  have  they  baffled  theel 
C — Why,  some  are  born  great,  some  achieve  greatness, 
and  some  have  greatness  thrown  upon  them. 

Tivo  constant  worsJiippers  of  Bacchus — the  one  fat  and 
rosy,  and  the  other  lean  and  cadaverous,  were  caught.  Had 
nothing  to  say  for  themselves  in  particular.    In  a  bad  v?ay. 

G.  H.  has  goggle  eyes,  nose  little  one-sidish,  mouth  con- 
siderably crookedish — stole  ten  dollars.  Is  making  a  poor 
mouth  now  in  Bridewell. 

S.  L.  seized  a  highly  respectable  gentleman  by  the  collar — 
the  man  was  in  cholev  without  provocation.  He  was  collared 
in  turn  by  a  limb  of  the  law.  In. 

John  Bruce  bruised  a  lady  considerably — considered  a  bru- 
tal and  an  outrageous  act.  John  Bruce  will  not  bruise  any 
body  again  very  soon. 

V.  B.  attempted  to  rescue  an  infamous  woman  from  a 
watchman.  The  watchman,  however,  was  true  to  his  busi- 
ness and  his  charge,  and  brought  Mr.  V.  B.  to  the  watch- 
house.    Mr.  V.  B.  is  somewhat  crest-fallen. 

S.  F.  is  as  strong  as  Hercules,  and  as  clamorous  as  Cerbe- 


99 


rus--iii  one  word,  Mr.  S.  F.  is  an  "  apropos"  character.  He 
"kicked"  a  door  down,  and  then  "kicked"  down  a  watch- 
man. Has  considerable  of  a  kicking  propensity  and  tact— is 
now  kicking  the  air  in  one  of  our  prisons. 

O.  P.  is  a  kicker  also,  and  a  high  kicker  besides— he  is  an 
exalted  kicker,  and  kicks  highly ;  Mr.  A.  N.  gave  his  opinion 
on  the  subject  of  the  tariff.  Mr.  O.  P.  kicked  his  mouth  as 
"  close  as  a  corked  bottle  !"  Whether  Mr.  O.  P.  is  a  tariff- 
man  or  an  anti-tariff-man  we  do  not  consider  ourselves  bound 
to  promulgate  at  "  these  presents."  Those  who  are  interested 
will  call  upon  Alderman  Thorpe,  who  will  impart  every  intel- 
ligence requisite. 

Mr.  W.  another  kicker,  kicked  an  apple-john  sort  of  a  per- 
sonage—that is,  he  kicked  a  Mr.  John,  who  sells  apples.  Mr. 
W.  exclaimed  at  the  same  time,  in  the  language  of  one  of  Fal- 
staff's  followers,  "  that's  my  humour  !"  He  says  he  is  fond 
of  the  "  Merry  Wives  of  Windsor."  He  is  now  in  a  situation 
to  cogitate  uninterruptedly,  if  he  pleases,  upon  the  beauties  of 
that  play.    So  much  for  kicking  an  apple-john ! 


100 


Police, — September  15. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — breezes  balmy. 
Alderman  Valentine,  Present, 

C.  What,  hoa,  I  say — peace  in  this  prison ! 

Sir  Toby.  The  knave  counterfeits  well ;  a  good  knave. 

The  Magistrate  informed  us  that  there  had  been  less  com- 
plaints and  commitments,  this  week,  than  he  had  known 
during  his  magistracy. 

A.  gentleman,  (A.  G.)  who  has  an  utter  contempt  for  any 
tahle  in  Cocker  or  Root,  walked  off,  by  the  merest  accident 
in  the  world,  with  a  tahle  from  the  late  conflagration. 

Another  gentleman  stole  tow  cloth — was  himself  in  taio 
the  last  we  heard  of  him. 

Mary  Jane  Somerville  got  drunk  on  Monongahela  pimch — 
likes  that  kind  of  punch  better  than  any  other — considers  it 
a  native  beverage.  Mary  Jane  is  not  particularly  young — 
not  especially  beautiful — not  precisely  fascinating.  Mary 
Jane  is  looking  through  the  grates  at  Alderman  Thorpe. 

A  legerdemain  character  caught  by  a  Dutchman.— Our 
friend  from  Amsterdam  rushed  into  the  office,  his  eyes  as  big 
as  two  saucers,  nearly — his  hair  bristling  up  like  a  winter 
forest  at  a  distance — his  nose  a  genuine  pug — his  mouth 
would  remind  one  of  a  yawning  cavern,  and  his  articulation 


101 


a  poet  would  term  a  "  clamour  in  a  vault."  Such  are  the 
faint  outlines  of  him  who  forced  himself  into  the  office, 
dragging  by  the  throat  our  friend  the  conjuror^ 

Magistrate.  What  is  the  matter  ? 

Dutchman.  De  divil !  madder  enough 

Conjuror.  The  ass  is  crazy. 

D.  Ash.'!  do  you  gall  me  ash,  and  do  you  zay  I  am 
grazy  ?  Dunder  und  hlixen ! 

C.  You  see,  sir,  he  is  raving  mad. 

D.  Mad  !  Dunder,  dis  is  doo  mutch ! 

C,  See,  sir,  how  his  hair  stands  up  an  end ;  look  at  his 
nostrils — his  mouth  foaming  at  the  same  time — and  behold 
the  glaring  of  those  two  eye-balls. 

D.  De  divil ! 

C.  I'll  prove  you're  mad. 

D.  Awvul! 

C.  What  is  this  I  hold  in  my  hand  ? 

D.  Dat? 

C.  Yes. 

D.  Why  a  hodado. 

C.  Which  hand  is  it  in  ? 

D.  In  your  lefd.    ("Here  the  conjuror  closed  his  hands.) 

C.  You  say  the  potatoe  is  my  left  hand  ? 

D.  Yesh.  (The  conjuror  opened  his  hands,  and  behold, 
the  potatoe  was  in  his  right  hand  !) 

D.  Dunder! 

C  O,  you  arc  crazy ! 

D.  Domnation !  I'm  nod  grazy  !  (The  conjuror  then  threw 
his  pocket  handkerchief  before  the  Dutchman.    The  handker- 


103 


chief  commenced  giving  advice,  and  finally  wound  up  by 
telling  the  Dutchman  that  he  was  as  "  crazy  as  a  coot.") 

D.  Grazy  as  a  goot — de  divil !  (Immediately  he  flew  to 
the  other  side  of  the  office,  as  swift,  (nearly)  as  a  bullet  out 
of  a  pistol.) 

C.  A  straight  jacket  must  be  your  portion. 

D.  Straid  jagged!  blixen  !  (The  conjuror  then  applied 
his  thumb  and  finger  to  his  own  nose,  and  gave  a  snort, 
something  like  the  snort  of  a  war  horse  on  the  eve  of  battle, 
and  out  flew  five  ftimous  potatoes.)  "  De  divil "  said  the 
Dutchman,  and  at  the  same  time  gave  a  bound  for  the  door. 
In  his  hurry  he  knocked  down  one  worshipper  of  Venus, 
two  daughters  of  Africa,  and  three  male  foreigners,  and 
cleared,  or  in  other  words  of  an  exalted,  high  sounding,  and 
poetical  nature  "  shot  the  pit !  "  It  is  said  that  he  is  running 
yet.  The  conjuror  had  been  quizzing  the  Dutchman,  and 
was  permitted  to  depart  on  his  parole  of  honour  that  he 
would  be  cautious  how  he  quizzed  in  future. 


Police, — September  16. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  changing. 
Justice  HoPsoN,  Present. 
"  But  here  comes  the  lady." 

Daniel  M         was  supnenaed  as  a  witness  before  the 

Magistrate — wouldn't  come — had  other  business  to  attend  to — 
is  now  brought  up — will  undoubtedly  be  punctual  in  his  atten- 
dance the  next  time  he  is  summoned. 


103 


Thomas  'W         got  drunk — was  noisy — was  abusive — is 

civil  enough  to  the  keeper  of  Bridewell. 

Eliza  Lyons  came  from  Jericho — has  been  brought  up  2  or  3 
times  before,  and  each  time  was  advised  to  return  to  Jericho — 
liked  New- York  better — is  now  in  the  Pen.  (abbreviation  for 
shortness)  for  6  months. 

J  G  is  somewhat  hiccoughish,  and  somewhat  weak- 

ish  in  his  understanding.    Mr.  J          G  ,  gent,  can't 

exactly  walk  steadily. 

A  gentleman  from  Albany  is  to  be  examined.  He  is  charg- 
ed with — but,  according  to  a  rule  which  we  have  laid  down 
for  ourselves,  we  will  not  pre-judge  the  case. 

K  J  is  a  kind  of  a  land  pirate  sometimes,  and  a 

species  of  buccaneer  at  others — is  a  worshipper  of  Plutus  at  aZZ 
times — steals  cash — caught. 

Patrick  L.  laid  violent  hands  upon  Peter  M.  and  at  the 
same  time  rescued  a  man  who  had  robbed  Peter — was  handled 
rather  roughly  in  turn. 

A  set  of  idlers,  thieves,  pick-pockets  and  robbers  (called 
highbinders)  robbed  a  gentleman  of  $70 — one  of  the  gang  is 
caught. 

X  gentleman  of  a  respectable  family  gets  drunk,  and,  in  con- 


104 


sequence  of  which,  is  the  cause  of  much  affliction  tnhis  fami- 
ly.   He  is  sent  3  months  to  the  Penitentiary — unavoidable. 

A  pretty  woman  found  in  the  streets  perambulating,  cogita- 
ting, gesticulating,  at  3  o'clock  in  the  morning — too  early. 

John  W.  has  an  itching,  unnatural,  and  an  unacountable 
propensity  for  coveting  and  appropriating  to  his  own  use, 
goods,  wares,  and  chatties  which  belong  to  his  neighbours. 
John  stole  two  hats. — John  has  the  privilege  of  marching  up 
and  down  in  a  room  of  about  8  feet  by  6,  more  or  less. 

Susanna  Douglass  was  introduced.  We  wish  one  of  the 
admirers  of  Raphael,  of  Guido,  of  Angelo,  or  of  our  great,  our 
own  West,  had  been  present  at  the  scene  which  ensued.  Ei- 
ther of  the  above  distinguished  individuals  might  have  display- 
ed upon  canvass  what  we  will  not  attempt  to  describe  with  our 
pen.  Susanna  is  about  18  years  of  age — figure  slender,  well- 
turned  and  elegant — foot  so  small,  and  so  modestly  peeping 
from  under  her  robe,  (vulgarly  called  gown,  we  believe,)  that 
no  one  unless  he  had  the  heart  of  a  stone  or  of  a  Timon, 
could  help  falling  in  love  with  it.  Her  hair — how  shall  we 
describe  her  hair  ! — it  is  neither  jet,  nor  brown,  nor  auburn, 
nor  yellow,  nor  flaxen,  nor  red — nothing  but  her  own  hair  can 
compare  with  her  own  graceful  tresses — her  locks  are  golden! 
Her  eye  is  full,  yet  mild — azure  and  "  love  darting."  Her 
features  are  separately  beautiful — the  contour  of  her  counte- 
nance is  lovely — it  is  a  countenance  that  would  call  to  mind 
that  of  a  Venus  de  Medicis,  or  of  a  Phyrne  ;  her  brow  is  such 


105 


a  brow  as  a  Praxiteles  would  have  attempted  to  chisel  out  of 
Parian  Marble.  Susanna  did  visit  the  "Five  Points" — did 
pirouette  and  kick  up  her  heels  whenever  she  pleased.  Su- 
sanna is  falPn,  falVn,  (we  will  not  use  the  word  three  times,  as 
Dryden  did),  but  Susanna  is  falPn  for  3  months  into  the 
Penitentiary ! ! ! 


Police, — September  19. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  fresh  and  bracing. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

"  It  is  the  very  error  of  the  moon  ; 

She  comes  more  near  the  earth  than  she  was  wont. 

And  makes  men  mad." 

Mary  Berry,  (a  species  of  black-berry, )is  fond  of  the  amuse- 
ment of  introducing  projectiles  into  her  neighbours'  houses — 
projectiles  which  Wilhelmina  Aspasia  Anna  Maria  Skeggs, 
(a  lineal  descendant  of  her  who  was  so  elegantly  described  by 
Goldsmith,)  denominates  little  rocks,  or  as  some  would  say, 
pebbles  ;  and  as  others  again  would  call  them,  paving  stones. 
Mary  Berry  says  she  is  berry  sorry.  The  law,  however,  ig 
not  sorry, 

A  man  who  was  familiarly  called  William,  and  who  was 
employed  by  Mr.  Alfred  Bujac  in  his  store,  undertook  the 
laudable  business  of  setting  up  a  fancy  hardware  store  on  his 
own  account.  The  new  initiate  into  the  arcana  of  merchan- 
dising, thought  it  was  better  to  avoid  the  trouble  and  expense 


106 


of  bargaining  and  paying  for  that  kind  of  goods  which  he 
thought  proper  to  vend :  Master  Wilham  walked  off  with  about 
$500  worth  of  goods — was  caught — is  secured. 

Mr.  John  J.  and  Mr.  John  K.  had  a  bout ;  Mr.  John  J. 
combined  too  many  of  the  qualities  of  Cribb  and  Mendosa  for 
Mr.  Joliii  K.  Mr.  John  J.  was  the  aggressor,  and  will  pro- 
bably be  mulcted  in  a  sum  something  above  a  trifle.  So 
much  for  the  science  pugilistic  ! 

Mr.  F.  C.gent.  kicked  Mr.  /.  B.  F.  gent.  Mr.  F.  didn't 
like  it — was  not  used  to  it — didn't  expect  to  get  used  to  it — 
didn't  wish  to  get  used  to  it — in  a  word,  would  not  get  used  to 
it !  Many  might,  and  no  doubt  will,  suppose,  that  Mr.  F.  is 
unreasonable,  and  entertains  an  odd  sort  of  an  aversion  to 
that  species  of  amusement  which  has  not  only  become  preva- 
lent, but  fashionable.  If  Mr.  F.  is  a  patriot  he  will  certainly 
submit  himself  to  be  kicked,  at  least  once  in  twenty-four 
hours.  Mr.  C.  was  committed  to  Bridewell ;  couldn't  get  by 
it ;  "  the  law  allows  it." 

Robert  Falldry  is  always  dry — or  at  least  he  is  always  deal- 
ing in  liquids,  of  one  kind  or  another.  He  deals  (in  the  lan- 
guage of  an  Addison,  a  Blair,  or  a  Johnson,)  in  the  "wet." 
Wet  clothes  he  covets  above  every  other  species  of  wet — 
therefore  he  marched  off,  whistling  the  Rogue's  March  all  the 
while,  with  a  quantity  of  wet  clothes,  which  did  not  precisely 
belong  to  himself.  Mr.  F.  can't  whistle  in  Bridewell— his 
heart  is  not  light  enough. 


107 


Isaac  M.  was  brought  up  for  disorderly  conduct,  and  for 
raising  a  mob.  Ask  one  of  the  clerks  of  the  Police,  either  of 
whom  are  ready  to  give  any  information  that  may  be  required. 

One  gentleman  assaulted  another,  and  threatened  to  batter 
him  also.  The  gentleman  passive  did  not  like  the  assault, 
much  less  did  he  fancy  the  prospect  of  a  battering.  "  The 
tempest  in  a  tea-pot"  has  subsided. 

Jack  Rover  stole  a  caile.  Inasmuch  as  he  did  steal  a  cable, 
we  sincerely  hope  it  is  the  cable  of  Mike  Mainsail,  in  order 
that  Mike,  from  prudential  motives,  may  be  compelled  to 
"  put  back."  Mike  is  one  of  those  rare  ones  that  we  "  smile 
to  greet,  and  sigh  to  part  with."  Jack  Rover,  by  the  way,  is 
indeed  in  a  bad  way. 

A  lady  walked  into  the  office  and  walked  out  again — she 
said  nothing.  Some  carping  cjTiical  persons,  might  say,  that 
the  latter  fact  was  a  miracle,  or  something  approximating  to- 
ward it.  The  fact,  however,  to  say  the  least  of  it,  is  a  strange 
fact.  The  lady  is  beautiful — (that  is  no  merit  of  hers,  as 
every  one  will  readily  admit) — she  is  short,  fat,  plump,  squabby. 

Timothy  P.  battered  Timothy  Q.  in  reality.  We  acknow- 
ledge we  do  not  possess  powers  sulBtiently  of  the  descriptive 
order,  to  give  a  full  and  correct  account  of  this  scene.  Those 
of  our  readers  who  feel  an  interest,  [and  who  does  not?]  in 
the  business,  we  recommend  them  to  call  on  the  gentleman 
who  carries  the  keys  ia  that  elegant  mansion  commonly  called 
BridewelL 


108 


A  kind  of  a  yankee  Spring  threatened  to  flog  (flog  being, 
we  believe,  the  most  technical,  as  well  as  the  most  sonorous 
word,  on  such  a  subject — therefore  we  adopt  it,) — we  say,  Mr. 
Yankee  Spring  threatened  to  flog  a  gentleman  who  was  not 
flog-able — or  rather,  he  wouldn't  give  his  consent.  Strange 
fellow  !  Mr.  Spring  is  now  springing  up  and  down  in  Bride- 
well. 


Police, — September  22. 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning, — wind  east. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

Ros. — I  could  find  in  my  heart  [almost]  to  disregard  my  man's  apparel. 

P.  Robertslikes  to  change  his  linen  every  day — will  change 
his  linen  every  day — stole  three  shirts.    In  Bridewell. 

An  arch  villain,  a  white  man,  employed  two  coloured  men 
to  drive  hogs.  Our  white  gentleman  was  inclined  to  drive  a 
new  sort  of  trade.  Those  who  have  lost  swine  would  proba- 
bly do  well  to  call  on  Mr.  John  Wilson,  26th  street,  2d  ave- 
nue, who  has  a  number  in  his  possession,  ready  to  deliver  to 
the  rightful  owners. 

Abraham  Thompson  is  probably  deranged — contrived  to 
get  into  a  gentleman's  house,  and  commenced  sawing  his 
throat  with  a  jack  knife.  The  gentleman  very  naturally  was 
startled  at  a  scene  so  singular  and  horrible,  and  at  the  dead  of 
night  too.    He  had  the  courage,  however,  to  seize  the  man 


109 


and  deprive  him  of  his  instrument,  and  bring  him  to  the 
watch-house.    Is  taken  care  of. 

Monsieur  Tonson  come  again ! — Another  individual  of  the 
name  of  Thompson  is  in  all  probability  deranged — but  with 
ardent  spirit.  He  knows  no  one — is  destitute  of  a  regular 
concatenation  of  ideas — was  caught  in  St.  Paul's  church  yard. 
Is  taken  care  of. 

N.  B.  We  have  hitherto  substituted,  in  a  number  of  instan- 
ces fictitious  names  and  initials  for  real  names.  This  prac- 
tice we  adopted  from  humane  motives.  Unfortunately,  mis- 
takes have  arisen,  and  misapplications  ensued.  We  have 
discovered  this  fact  from  experience.  Hereafter  "let  the 
gall'd  jade  wince."  The  Simon  Pures  will  appear  in  their 
own  robes  in  future. 


Police  Office: 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  west. 

Justice  Wyman,  Present. 
"  I  pray  you,  now,  do  wonders  ever  cease  ? " 

A  man  of  about  70,  walked  into  the  office  ;  his  appearance 
was  such  as  to  interest  every  beholder  ;  the  spectators  stood 
mute,  and  the  constables  and  marshals  rose  simultaneously. 
The  man  presented  himself  in  a  graceful  and  dignified  man- 
ner, cane  and  hat  in  one  hand,  and  gloves  in  the  other ;  he 


no 


was  slightly  bent,  just  enough  to  command  respect,  and  to 
elicit  the  sympathies,  (not  to  say  affections)  of  those  who 
beheld  him.  There  was  a  vacant  seat,  and  a  motion  was 
made  for  him  to  occupy  it — he  sat  down.  Hia  head  was  a 
well  turned  head — it  was  bald — it  is  true,  there  were  a  few 
frosty  hairs  still  remaining.  He  was  asked,  in  a  kind  man- 
ner, whether  he  had  any  business  in  the  office  ?  He  stood 
up,  bowed  respectfully,  and  said,  no,  he  simply  came  as  a 
spectator.  We  fixed  our  eye  upon  this  man,  and  watched 
the  various  changes  in  his  countenance,  while  the  examina- 
tions were  proceeding.  His  eye  seemed  to  be  lighted  up 
anew,  and  his  whole  soul  appeared  to  be  ewrapt  in  the  scene 
that  was  passing  before  him.  He  had  never  been  in  a  Police 
Office  before — he  knew  but  little,  scarcely  any  thing,  of  crim- 
inal jurisprudence.  Happy  man  !  guile  was  not  in  his  breast; 
he  knew  nothing  of  crime.  We  saw  a  tear  in  his  eye — he 
was  sensibly  affected — he  glided  slowly  and  silently  out  of 
the  Office.  The  virtues  of  this  man's  mind,  and  the  sensi- 
bilities of  his  heart,  demand  our  respect,  command  our 
admiration.  This  man  is  one  of  the  'proscribed!  he  is  a 
coloured  man. 

A  philosopher  caught — not  by  the  Police,  but  by  ourselves. 
(By  way  of  a  parenthesis,  we  would  remark,  before  we  initiate 
our  readers  into  the  arcana  of  the  story  which  we  are  about 
to  present  to  them,  that  we  consider  it  not  only  our  preroga- 
tive, but  our  duty,  to  catch  people  wherever  and  whenever 
we  can,  whether  in  the  Police  or  out  of  the  Police,  more 
especially  philosophers,  poets,  and  dandies.)    We  have 


Ill 

CAUGHT  A  Philosopher — his  father  before  him  was  a  phi- 
losopher— indeed  his  whole  family  are  philosophers ;  his 
uncles  and  his  aunts — his  cousins  masculine  and  his  cousins 
feminine — his  nephews  he,  and  his  nieces  she — in  one  word, 
all  his  relations  are  philosophers.  It  is  said  that  he  is  con- 
nected, not  by  consanguinity,  but  by  affinity,  to  the  poet 
whom  we  caught,  and  to  the  dandy,  who  has  hitherto  escaped 
our  vigilance.  Our  philosopher's  father,  (he  had  a  father,) 
departed  at  the  age  of  84 ;  he  had  been  brought  up  amid  rum 
puncheons,  gin  casks,  brandy  hogsheads,  and  whiskey  barrels 
— was  a  connoisseur  in  most  things,  but  especially,  in  ardent 
spirits — but,  reader,  not  one  drop  of  strong  waters  had  ever 
passed  his  lips!!!  It  is  said  that  the  grocers  and  tavern 
keepers  did  not  raise  a  monument  to  his  memory.  The 
philosopher,  whom  we  examined  catechetically,  is  55,  and 
promulgates,  as  his  unalterable  opinion,  that  unless  he  lives 
to  the  age  of  100,  he  shall  be  disappointed !  He  is  a  close 
follower,  as  regards  one  of  the  customs  of  the  aborigines  of 
our  country :  he  is  a  smoker,  a  great  smoker — he  smokes  in 
various  ways ;  but,  unlike  those  human  beings  who  inhabit 
the  forests,  he  detests,'abhors,  abominates  all  distilled  liquors. 
He  judges  by  one  sense  only,  the  sense  of  scent.  Distilled 
waters  have  never  offended  his  palate— he  is  a  constant  worship- 
per of  Bacchus,  notwithstanding.  He  is  a  thirsty  soul ;  he  has 
drunk  five,  yes  five  glasses  of  Champaigne  during  the  last  10 
months.  A  half  a  glass  of  wine  for  any  one  man  in  a  month 
is  abominable  !  He  can  lift  16  fifty-sixes,  knock  down  an  ox 
with  his  fist,  and  can  stand  a  pretty  good  hout  with  an  elephant. 
Our  philosopher  once  upon  a  time  weighed  202  lbs. :  he  con- 


112 


sidered  that  too  much  weight  for  vigour  and  for  force — it 
would  not  do — a  reduction  was  necessary  :  he  lived  4  weeks' 
on  one  quart  of  milk  and  four  crackers  per  day  ;  the  conse- 
quence was,  that  28  lbs.  of  extra  flesh  and  blood  walked  off! 
Our  philosopher  is  not  a  Heraclites,  nor  a  follower  of  that 
gentleman  ;  he  is  neither  "  melancholy,"  nor  does  he  live  in 
"  solitude."  No  !  he  is  a  legitimate  disciple  of  Momus — he 
laughs  and  grows  fat,  and  then  "grows  thin"  again  upon  crack- 
ers and  milk.  He  is  at  this  time  as  fat  as  a  seal  and  as  sleek  as  a 
weasel!! !  We  have  our  eye  upon  him,  and,  in  the  language 
of  Paul  Pry,  we  think  there  is  something  about  him  that  is 
"  very  mysterious  ! " 


Police. 

Star  light — wind  West. 

Justice  IIopsoN,  Present. 

Discover  more  at  large  what  cause  there  was, 
For  I  am  ignorant,  and  cannot  guess. 

Wm.  Bartin  has  an  amiable  and  beautiful  wife  and  two 
pretty  children.  This  Mr.  Bartin  beats  his  wife.  She  is 
economical  and  industrious,  and  affectionate  to  her  husband. 
Benjamin  Fuller,  one  of  the  marshals  of  the  city,  couldn't 
stand  it,  wouldn't  stand  it,  and  brought  Mr.  B.  to  Bridewell. 
We  saw  Alderman  T.  turn  the  key. 

Deborah  Oliver  (what  a  romantic  and  sonorous  name)  was 
committed  for — stealing  ! 


113 


John  Davis  (on  tlie  oath  of  Orlando  Miner)  stole  about  a 
yard  and  a  half  of  cloth.  We  are  informed  by  Alderman 
Thorpe  that  this  gentleman  is  an  old  offender. 

Hugh  Roberts  collared  James  Camp,  a  watchman.  Hugh 
was  somewhat  wrathy.  Hugh,  as  it  was  said,  was  in  the 
wrong.    Hugh  repents, 

A  pretty  black-eyed  girl,  modest  and  intelligent,  interceded 
for  her  mother.  It  was  a  heart-rending  sight.  Her  mother 
had  abandoned  herself  to  every  species  of  rice.  The  mother 
was  taken  care  of. 

John  Hunker  kicks  Abigail  Newson's  door,  and  creates  a 
mob.    Abigail  don't  like  it,  neither  does  the  law, 

John  Ryan  or  Bryan,  from  Philadelphia,  was  found  in  the 
street  crying  murder.  The  watchman  who  brought  him  up, 
considered  the  whole  merely  the  effect  of  imagination.  There 
was  no  person  near  him. 

Joseph  Lane  complained  that  Dennis  Fitzpatrick  had  com- 
mitted an  assault  and  battery  upon  him. — Dennis,  in  justifica- 
tion, asserts  that  Joseph  was  rude  to  his  sister.  The  business 
will  be  attended  to. 

James  McEvnn  was  found  drunk  in  an  area  ;  had  a  horse 
and  cart,  both  of  which  he  left  in  the  street,  to  be  taken  care 

15 


114 


of  by  those  who  had  leisure.  His  wife  (kind  soul,)  requested 
that  his  license  as  a  cartman  should  be  taken  from  him. 

A  Lady  left  her  hair  trunk  with  a  watchmaker  :  the  watch- 
maker marched  down  to  the  Police  Office,  and  "  marked  time," 
and  said  he  would  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  lady's  hair 
trunk,  and  petitioned  that  he  might  be  relieved.  His  petition 
was  granted. 


Police  Office. 

Two  hours  before  day-light — wind  east. 

Justice  Wyman,  Present. 
"  Here  comes  a  messenger  :  What  news  ?" 

A  lady,  who  would  undoubtedly  be  termed  interesting,  was 
presented,  viz:— She  is  what  is  generally  understood  by  the 
appellation  of  "lop-sided."  She  has  what  some  persons 
would  probably  term  a  "  a  game-leg,"  that  is  one  leg  makes 
longer  strides  than  the  other— she  has  one  eye  and  all  told, 
and  that  eye  apparently  possesses  the  properties  of  the  eye 
of  a  lobster— she  can  turn  it  at  will  in  any  direction. 
Magistrate.  What  is  the  matter  with  your  foot  1 
Lady.  Matter,  my  dear,  matter  enough.  I  got  a  rood  fut 
by  coming  into  the  Polace  Office. 

M.  What  is  this  woman  brought  here  for  ? 
Witness.  She  stole  a  flannel  shirt  with  two  broad  tucks. 
Lady.  Don't  you  belave  a  word  of  it,  your  honour.  What 
should  I  do  wid  a  shirt,  my  dear,  when  I'm  just  a  famale  ? 


115 


M.  [To  the  witness.]  Did  you  find  the  shirt  on  the  woman? 

W.  JVo,  I  didn't  find  it  on  her,  for  I  got  it  back  before  she 
had  time  to  put  it  on. 

L.  There,  your  honour,  you  sa  how  he  contradicts  himself. 
I  stale  a  shirt,  poh  !  my  dear,  I  didn't  stale  a  shirt  at  all — 
you  may  take  my  word  for  it. 

W.  I  say  you  did. 

i.  I  say  I  didn't.    [The  woman  had  the  last  word.] 
M.  Silence  !  Have  you  any  other  testimony. 
W.  Yes,  sir. 

M.  Produce  it.  [Testimony  was  produced  of  an  unques- 
tionable character.  The  lady  did  steal  a  flannel  shirt  with 
two  tucks !  At  present  Alderman  Thorpe  keeps  the  lady  in 
BridewelL 

Margaret  Fitzpatrick — according  to  the  testimony  of  a 
watchman,  was  discovered  by  him  in  the  street,  in  an  odd 
situation. 

Magistrate.  Where  did  you  come  from  ? 

Prisoner.  Come  from  ?  I  came  from  Norwich,  to  be  sure  I 
did.    I'll  not  deny  that,  by  the  powers,  no  I  won't. 

M.  What  was  your  business  in  New- York  ? 

P.  Business  !  I  came  to  get  my  auld  hat  fixed. 

M.  Did  you  get  your  old  hat  fixed  ? 

P.  Yes,  honey,  and  you  may  take  ybur  oath  of  it. 

M.  Did  you  get  any  thing  else  fixed  ? 

P.  (winking  significantly,)  I'll  take  my  affidavy  of  that. 
Sent  to  Bridewell. 


116 


John  Williams  robbed  a  gentleman  of  his  pocket-book  at  a 
late  fire.  The  gentleman  seized  him  and  secured  him.  Old 
Ha)  s  knows  this  John  Williams,  (by  the  way,  what  does  he 
not  know  in  relation  to  the  police  department  ? )  and  informed 
us  that  he,  Mr.  W.  is  the  greatest  pick-pocket  and  scoundrel 
in  the  city.  If  any  person  wishes  to  see  the  pick-pocket,  we 
recommend  him  to  call  on  Mr.  See,  clerk  of  Bridewell. 

Mary  ALUs,  with  a  smiling  infant,  beat  a  female,  a  neigh- 
bour of  hers,  because  she  wore  out  her  shoes.  Such  was  a 
part  of  the  testimony,  but  the  testimony  was  contradictory. 
Mary  was  permitted  to  depart. 

Jane  Ann  Eliza  Green,  (a  romantic  name  to  say  the  least 
of  it,)  stole  a  shawl — Bridewell. 

Robert  Prendigan  lives  in  Boston — has  a  cock-eye,  and 
was  drunk — never  gets  drunk  in  Boston — gets  drunk  in  New- 
York  occasionally. 

Magistrate.  Why  do  you  come  here  annoying  peaceable 
citizens  ? 

P.  Why  heggin'  your  pardon,  I  guess  I  don't  '«oy 
nobody ! 

M.  Have  you  any  money  ? 

P.  Have  you  any  'ticular  reason  for  Icnowin'? 

M.  I  have. 

Pi  Well  then  (scratching  his  head)  I  guess  I  have. 

M.  How  much? 

P.  I  han't  got  much. 


117 


M.  How  much  have  you  ? 
P.  I  guess  nine  or  ten  dollars  or  so. 
M.  Will  you  return  to  Boston  if  I  permit  you  to  depart  ? 
P.  Will  I  ? — let  me  see — I  ^ess  I  will. 
M.  When  you  next  visit  our  city,  I  trust  you  will  conduct 
yourself  with  propriety. 
P.  I  guess  I  shalL 
M.  Perjoit  this  man  to  depart. 


Police  Office. 

"  Where  dwellest  thou  ? 
Answer — "  Under  the  canopy." 

Anna  Smith — lived  in  a  house  where  black  people  reside — 
she  says  she  has  experienced  more  trouble  than  any  one 
knows — that  she  is  ill  and  that  she  is  persecuted.  She 
made  an  attempt  to  jump  into  the  North  River,  but  was  pre- 
vented from  destroying  herself  by  the  timely  interference  of 
a  watchman.  She  pleaded  hard — tears  trickled  down  her 
wan  cheek.  She  was  permitted  to  depart  on  the  promise  of 
a  reformation  in  her  habits  and  general  conduct.  Before 
she  left  the  office,  however,  Justice  Wyman  admonished  her 
.of  the  course  of  conduct  which  she  had  pursued,  and  which 
had  brought  her  into  misery  and  disgrace.  She  appeared  to 
be  penitent  and  jpromised  reformation. 

An  Apprentice  Boy  came  forward  and  complained  of  his 
master  for  having  chastised  him. 


118 


Magistrate.  What  was  the  cause  of  this  chastisement ! 

Complainant.  He  said  that  I  had  displeased  him,  and  that 
I  should  not  have  the  use  of  his  library  until  I  conducted 
myself  differently. 

M.  What  did  you  say  or  do  on  that  occasion  ? 

C.  Why  I  told  him  that  I  would  do  as  I  pleased. 

E.  What  then? 

C.  He  then  struck  me. 

M.  You  admit  that  you  displeased  your  master  in  the  first 
place — that  you  were  insolent  to  him  in  the  second  place,  and 
in  the  third  place,  I  give  it  as  my  opinion  that  you  were 
very  properly  chastised.  The  Magistrates  will  ever  interfere  in 
the  cause  of  an  apprentice,  who  has  been  improperly  treated; 
but  at  the  same  time  they  will  not  listen  to  the  idle  tales  of 
those  who  are  refractory.  Now,  go  home  to  your  master,  and 
conduct  yourself  as  a  good  industrious  boy  should  do,  and  I 
have  no  doubt  he  will  treat  you  properly. 

A  black  man  was  caught  driving  through  the  streets  du- 
ring the  midnight  hour — not  a  camel,  gentle  reader,  nor  a 
dromedary,  nor  an  elephant,  nor  even  a  horse — but  he  was 
caught,  yes,  caught,  in  the  act  of  driving  a  '^pretty  sizeable 
pig."  The  "  pig"  is  now  in  the  "Bridewell"  yard  ready  to 
be  delivered  to  his  owner. 

Magistrate.  Have  you  ever  been  in  the  penitentiary  ? 

Prisoner.  Yes. 

M.  When? 

P.  O,  some  time  ago. 

M.  Why  were  you  sent  there  ? 


119 


p.  I  stoic  a  goose!!!  [We  opine  that  this  man  will 
shortly  be  in  a  condition  not  to  be  envied.] 

A  novel  way  of  getting  rid  of  two  bad  men. — A  man  in  a 
state  of  partial  inebriation,  called  at  the  office  and  entered  a 
complaint,  setting  forth  that  he  had  an  enemy ;  that  this 
enemy  threatened  to  take  away  his  life.  The  subject  was 
examined  and  both  were  found  to  be  bad  men. 

Justice  Hopson.  Well,  if  he  kills  you,  he  will  be  hanged, 
and  then  we  shall  have  got  rid  of  two  who  are  of  no  great 
service  to  society.  I  would  recommend,  however,  that  you 
have  nothing  to  do  with  each  other,  and  that  you  both  mend 
your  habits  and  general  conduct. 

An  odd  looking  "  genius"  presented  himself,  with  his  head 
plastered  "up"  and  splintered  "up" in  a  most  unique  manner, 
and  set  forth  that  another  "genius"  of  about  the  same  dimen- 
sions and  calibre  attempted  to  cut  his  throat. 

Magistrate.  What  was  the  means  he  employed  to  cut  your 
throat? 

Complainant.  He  used  a  long  Portuguese  knife. 
M.  Did  you  know  the  person  before  1 
C.  Yes  sir. 

M.  What  was  the  provocation  for  his  attempting  to  commit 
such  a  horirble  crime? 

C.  Sir,  I  was  tickling  him  a  little. 
M.  And  he  didn't  like  to  be  tickled? 
C.  Not  he ! 

M.  And  so  you  would  "tickle"  a  man  contrary  to  his 
inclinations — what  was  your  reason  ? 


120 


C.  Why  I  wanted  him  to  laugh  of  course,  and  to  quiz  him 
a  little  ! 

M.  Did  you  succeed  ? 

C.  Succeed !  no,  he  wouldn't  laugh  at  all,  nor  would  he 
stand  quizzing,  as  you  will  see  hy  my  neck  I 

M.  This  will  be  a  warning  to  you  not  to  irritate  a  man's 
feelings,  or  attempt  to  quiz  him,  especially  when  "he's  not  in 
the  humour."  Now  go  about  your  business  and  "tickle" 
yourself  with  the  idea  that  if  people  don't  choose  to  be 
"  tickled  "  you  had  better  let  them  alone. 


Police  Office, 

Half  past  4,  A.  M. — wind  North — cooL 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 
"  Ay  Ay,  she  told  her  mind  upon  mino  ear." 

Jackson  Newton  is  a  great  worshipper  of  Epicurus,  and  is 
withal  ( as  'tis  said)  a  first  rate  judge  of  champaigne.  Jackson 
Newton,  as  'tis  said  also,  walked  off  from  one  of  our  markets 
with  a  basket  containing  a  quantity  of  cabbage,  celery,  pip- 
pins, and  two  geese.  Poor  Mr.  Newton  don't  get  geese  and 
cabbage,  pippins  and  celery,  and  champaigne  in  Bridewell. 

Patrick  Kinan  had  his  ear  bitten  off  by  James  Morris. 
James  Morris  don't  like  his  situation,  and  Patrick  is  not  very 
particularly  inclined  to  be  pleased  with  the  loss  of  his  ear. 


121 


Betsey  Saunders  committed  an  assault  on  Mary  Lawson. 
Mary  Lawsou  didn't  like  it.    Betsey  don't  like  her  situation. 

A  dandy  sort  of  a  gentleman,  whose  name  we  did  not 
ascertain,  else  we  would  have  conferred  immortality  upon 
him,  by  putting  him  in  print,  walked  into  a  clothing  store, 
otherwise  called  a  tailor's  shop.    Our  dandy  is  six  feet  one, 
in  stockings — slender — when  he  walks  he  plants  his  foot 
firmly  upon  the  groimd,  and  presents  a  prominent  crest,  and 
a  full  front.    His  hair  is  curly,  his  eyes  are  black,  the  general 
outline  of  his  features  are  good,  and  his  nose  is,  probably, 
what  would  be  called  by  many  a  sneering  nose — that  is,  it  is 
not  an  aquiline  nose,  a  Grecian  nose,  a  Roman  nose,  nor  a 
"  parrot-bill "  nose,  "  it's  a  nose  of  its  own  fashion  " — it's  a 
nose  that  turns  up  like  the  hook  of  a  pump  ?    Our  dandy 
belongs  to  nearly  all  the  "  clubs  "  in  town.    He  is  a  member 
of  the  "bachelor's  club,"  "odd  club,"  "club  of  odd  fellows," 
"eating  club,"  "drinking  club,"  "running  club,"  "jumping 
club,"  "hop-skip-and-jump  club,"  "spouting  club,"  and  so 
forth.    Our  dandy,  as  we  are  informed,  is  also  a  great  fa- 
vourite among  the  ladies — goes  to  parties,  balls,  and  concerts 
—knows  semibreve  from  a  demisemiquaver,  and  can  thrump 
a  piano  considerably.    The  habiliments  of  our  dandy  became, 
in  the  course  of  time,  a  little  the  "  worse  for  wear,"  or  as  an 
Addison  would  have  said,  a  little  "rusty" — no  one  will 
marvel  at  that.    Well,  as  we  observed  before,  our  dandy 
walked  into  a  clothing  store — quite  a  natural  operation  un- 
doubtedly— and  ordered  a  suit  of  the  best,  and  requested  the 
articles  to  be  sent  to  his  lodgings.    As  soon  as  they  were 

16 


122 


ready,  the  owner  of  the  establishment  took  them  under  his 
arm,  and  wallced  to  the  place  of  direction.  Our  gentleman 
was  "  at  home." 

Merchant  Tailor.  Good  evening,  sir. 

Dandy.  Good  evening,  'pon  honour,  I'm  glad  you've  arrived, 
as  I  ordered  the  things  expressly  for  Mrs.  Snipribbon's  party, 
and  I  was  horribly  afraid  you  would  disappoint  me — 'pore 
honour ;  you  may  put  them  down  and  call  in  the  morning 
with  the  bill. 

M.  T.  If  you  please,  that's  contrary  to  my  rule. 

Z).  Is  it?  I'm  glad  to  find  one  provident  man  in  the 
world,  'pon  honour.  Let  me  see — confoundedly  awkward  ! 
Smith  is  out  of  the  way,  so  is  Jones,  and  be  hanged  to  'em, 
both  with  their  pockets  full  of  the  "  ready  " — bank  shut — 
won't  be  open  till  to-morrow  at  ten — and  I  must  pay  my 
devoirs  to  Mrs.  Snipribbon.  Sir,  as  you  are  a  cautious  man 
you  would  not  like  to  take  a  check  of  course,  would  you  ? 

M.  T.  That's  contrary  to  my  rule,  also,  at  least  in  refe- 
rence to  strangers — you  see  the  propriety  of  the  course  I 
have  adopted. 

D.  Certainly  I  do — quite  correct.  Tut,  tut,  tut,  how  absent 
I  am  sometimes — a  very  common  thing  for  us  young  fellows, 
by  the  way ;  why,  I  have  in  my  pocket,  all  the  while  I  have 
been  talking  to  you,  five  one  hundred  dollar  bills,  which  I 
drew  out  of  the  bank  to-day,  ha,  ha,  ha,  amusing  'pon  honour. 
Can  you  change  one  of  the  notes  ?  [Our  dandy  produces 
his  pocket  book.] 

M.  T.  [His  eyes  begin  to  glisten.]  No,  sir,  I  cannot,  but — 
D,  Never  mind — say  no  more — sit  down — ha,  ha,  ha, 
quite  amusing  'pon  honour,  sit  down — I'll   return  in  a 


123 


moment  with  the  change,  ha,  ha,  ha,  [Retires  and  mentions 
to  himself  several  times  the  name  of  Mrs.  Snipribbon.] 
M.  T.  sits  down,  and  waits,  and  waits,  till  he  absolutely  got 
fatigued  with  the  laborious  business  of  waiting — he  arose, 
replaced  the  bundle  under  his  arm,  and,  in  the  language  of 
the  lovers  of  honey,  "  took  up  a  bee  line  "  for  his  shop. 

M.  T.  John,  put  these  clothes  on  the  shelf. 

John.  Yes,  sir. — Sir,  I  see  the  gentleman  didn't  take  the 
coat  and  vest,  but  three  pair  of  pantaloons. 

M.  T.  Three  pair?  why  I  only  took  one  pair  with  me. 

J.  I  know  it,  sir,  but  the  gentleman  has  been  here. 

M.  T.  Here  !  well,  what  then  ? 

J.  Why,  sir,  he  said  that  the  pantaloons  which  yon  took 
didn't  fit ;  and  that  you  was  a  waitin'  for  him  at  his  lodgings. 

M.  T.  So  I  was,  and  long  enough  to — well. 

J.  Well,  as  I  was  telling  on  you,  he  says  the  pantaloons 
•warn't  a  fit. 

M.  T.  Go  on. 

J.  So,  sir,  he  axed  me  for  three  pair  more,  as  he  wanted  a 
right  down  genteel  good  fit. 

M.  T.  Well,  what  did  you  tell  him  ? 

J.  Me,  sir,  why,  sir,  I  didn't  tell  him  nothin'. 

M.  T.  What  did  you  do  ? 

J.  Sir,  I-I-I  tied  him  up  the  three  pair — he  telled  me  you 
was  a  waitin''  for  him,  and  he  wanted  a  fit. 

M,  T.  Waiting!  Fit! — The  deuce  take  all  waitings  and 
all  fits,  I  say.  Let  me  see  ? — I'll  go  immediately  to  Mrs. 
Snipribbon's.  [M.  T.  "  takes"  up  another  "bee  line  " — rap, 
rap,  rap.]  Ma'am,  have  you  seen  a  gentleman  here  with 
three  pair  of  pantaloons  ? 


124 

Mrs.  Snipribbon.  With  three  pair  of  what  ? 
M.  T.  Three  pair  of  pantaloons. 

Mrs,  S.  No,  sir,  no  ?  I  haven't  invited  any  person  to  my 
party  who  has  three  pair  of  pantaloons — do  you  mean  to  in- 
sult me  ?  go  about  your  business  !  [Bang  goes  the  door  and 
M.  T.  was  knocked  into  the  gutter — he  arose,  however,  after 
some  little  difficulty,  (somewhat  soiled  by  the  bye)  thrust 
his  two  hands  into  his  two  pantaloons'  pocket,  with  that  kind 
of  manner  which  would  seem  to  express  "  that's  a  good  one  !] 

N.  B.  If  any  one  discovers  another  with  three  pair^of  pan- 
taloons, he  is  requested  to  give  public  notice  of  the  fact. 


Police  Office, 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — Genuine  Autumn  wind. 

Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

"  Stop  that  man,  for  he  is  a  trickster." 

A  few  assaults,  a  few  batteries,  a  few  petit  larcenies,  a  few 
grand  larcenies,  &c.  Many  are  up  in  arms  about  the  Dandy, 
indeed  he  is  not  a  safe  man. 

Our  Dandy  of  three  pair  of  pantaloons  memory,  and  whose 
name  we  cannot  ascertain,  whiled  away  a  comfortable  eve- 
ning at  Mrs.  Snipribbon's  party. — It  is  said,  that  our  dandy  is 
particularly  fond  of  Mrs.  Snipribbon,  and  that  Mrs.  Snipribbon 
blushes  and  acknowledges  that  her  heart  has  been  carried 
away  captive  by  our  dandy.    Mrs.  Snipribbon  is  a  widow — 


125 


blowzy,  plump,  fat,  (not  especially  fair,)  forty,  red  hair,  brow 
narrowish,  eye  yellowish,  that  is,  the  white  of  her  eye  !  her 
nose  is  not  a  scornful  nose,  if  it  looks  at  all,  it  looks  up — her 
cheek,  (a  boiled  lobster  may  be  as  highly  coloured,  but  we 
doubt  it,)  her  cheek  is  betwixt  a  brick-colour  and  a  crimson ; 
lips,  Christopher  Columbus,  what  lips  !  her  two  lips  are  as 
big  as  any  four  lips  that  can  be  found  in  town — and  as  regards 
her  chin,  (we  can't  very  well  have  too  much  of  a  good  thing, 
although  sometimes  we  may  havej — but  her  chin  is  a  species 
of  two  chins  united,  it's  a  double  chin ! — in  one  word,  Mrs. 
Snipribbon  is  a  beauty ! ! !    Mrs.  Snipribbon  has  a  little  cash 
too,  and  our  dandy  knows  it.    Our  dandy  is  determined  to 
"  have  her,"  from  motives  of  pure  love  undoubtedly.  Our 
dandy  sang  at  Mrs.  Snipribbon's  party,  played  on  the  piano 
at  her  party,  danced  at  her  party,  talked  at  her  party,  laughed 
at  her  party,  and  in  the  most  genteel,  natural,  and  affectionate 
manner  imaginable,  squeezed  her  hand  at  her  party.  Our 
dandy  (in  the  language  of  a  Walter  Scott,  or  a  Washington  Ir- 
ving, or  a  Cooper,)  "pop'd  the  question!"    Mrs.  Snipribbon 
sidled,  blushed,  ogled,  simpered,  "  didn't  know,"  simpered 
again,  then  drew  a  long  sigh,  then  said,  "  you  rogue  you," 
and  then  consented  to  change  her  name!    Our  dandy  had  a 
good  pair  of  pumps,  a  good  pair  of  shoes,  but  his  hoots  were 
"  out  at  the  toes,"  and  that  wouldn't  do,  especially  as  he  was 
about  to  change  his  condition  !    He  turned  the  thing  over  in 
his  mind."    He  had  failed  in  getting  a  suit  of  clothes,  but 
then  it  was  a  consolitory  fact,  however,  which  he  dwelt  upon 
in  his  imagination  considerably,  that  he  was  in  the  possession 
of  three  pair  of  pantaloons.    Never  mind  the  vest,  said  he. 


126 


never  mind  the  coat,  but  a  pair  of  boots  I  must  have  !  He 
calls  upon  a  friend. 

Dandy.    Do  you  like  a  joke  ? 

Mr.  Sillyman.  To  be  sure  I  do  ! 

D.  I've  a  capital  plan  for  a  laugh — ha,  ha,  ha,  I  can't  help 
but  laugh  at  the  thought  of  it  now.    You  must  know. 
S.  Well. 

D.  You  must  know  that  I  have  made  a  bet  of  a  dozen  of 
champaigne,  (you  are  to  be  one  of  the  party)  that,  ha,  ha,  ha. 
S.  That,  what,  go  on. 

P.  Ha,  ha,  ha,  that  I  would  submit  to  your  pulling  my 
nose  in  a  shoe  store  without  being  offended. 
S.  Did  you  ? 

D.  O  yes,  all  for  a  joke  and  champaigne — fun,  I  say,  fun, 
my  boy  ! 

S.  How  is  all  this  to  be  done  ? 

D.  "  Hush  be  quiet."  I'll  tell  you.  You  and  I  will  walk 
to  Mr.  Crispin's  boot  store — I  will  walk  in — you  will  stand 
outside  the  door — I  will  order  a  pair  of  boots, — I  have  paid 
for  them  already  for  the  sake  of  the  joke — (ahem ! ! !)  when  I 
get  a^i,  do  you  walk  in — say  you'll  pull  my  nose — I'll  get 
into  a  rage  of  course — you  tweak  my  most  prominent  feature 
— then  run,  and  I'll  run  after  you,  just  for  the  joke  you  know!!! 

S.  A  queer  kind  of  a  joke  it  is  too — however,  I'll  do  it  to 
oblige  you,  and  beside  I've  no  particular  aversion  to  a  glass 
of  champaigne  and  a  good  "  joke." 

D.  Say  no  more,  take  my  arm.  [They  walk  to  Mr.  Cris- 
pin's— S.  remains  outside,  and  D.  walks  in.] 


127 


D.  Do  you  think  you  can  fit  me  with  a  pair  of  boots  ?  I 
want  the  best,  and  a  snxigfit. 

Crispin.  I  can  give  you  first  rate  boots  and  a  good  fit  I've 
no  doubt.  [Here  Mr.  D.  commences  examining,  trying  on, 
pulling  off,  till  at  last  he  gets  a  fit — he  gives  a  sneeze,  a  pre- 
concerted signal — in  rushes  Mr.  Sillyman .'] 

S.  Sir,  you  are  the  man  I've  been  looking  for  ! 

D.  Well,  sir,  now  you  have  found  me  [rising]  what  do  you 
want  of  me  ? 

/S.  Want,  sir,  I  want  to  pull  your  nose,  you  deserve  to  liave 
your  nose  pulled,  and  I  will  pull  it ! 

D.  If  you  do  I'll  knock  you  down,  you  scoundrel — I  don't 
know  you ! 

S.  Don't  know  me,  you  rascal  ! 

C.  Gentlemen,  don't  make  a  noise  and  create  a  mob  about 
my  door — boys  go  away!   — gentlemen  do  be  quiet. 
jS.  I  won't  be  quiet,  I'll  pull  his  nose. 

C.  Don't  in  my  shop,  I  beg  of  you. 
S.  I  will. 

D.  Do  it,  if  you  dare !  [S.  pulls  D.'s  nose  and  runs,  and  D. 
runs  after  S.] 

C.  Run  after  'em  Joe,  and  separate  'em.  [Joe  runs  also — 
Joe  returns.]    Did  you  separate  'em  Joe. 

Joe.  Separate  'em!!!  they  didn't  want  to  be  separated — 
when  I  saw  'em  last,  they  were  running  cheek  hy  jowl,  like 
two  race  horses — separate  'em  ! ! !  its  all  a  hoax. 

C.  All  what? 

J.  All  a  hoax  ! 

C.  Call  the  watch!!! 


128 


J.  It's  of  no  use — it's  too  late — I'll  write  down  one  pair  of 
boots  missing  ! ! ! 

C.  Hoax — no  use — too  late —  boots  missing  !  Hoax!  hang 
me,  if  I  don't  call  it  a  hoax  and  a  half — you  rascal !  what  are 
you  grinning  about ! 

J.  Me,  sir  !  nothiri'  sir. 


Police  Office: 

Half  past  four  in  the  morning — wind  salubrious. 
Justice  Wyman,  Present. 

"There  is  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of  men, 
Which  taken  at  its  flood  leads  on  to  fortune." 

(We  quote  from  memory,  and  our  memory  is  sometimes 
treacherous.) 

Only  seventy  ladies  were  caught  on  the  Collect,  and  brought 
to  the  watch-house  in  one  evening ;  and  what  some  persons 
would  consider  still  more  remarkable,  there  were  but  three 
married  ladies  in  the  "  lot ! " 

Halloo !  stop  that  Dandy  ! .' — We  have  come  to  the  conclu- 
sion, first  wc  pondered,  reflected,  cogitated — the  midnight 
lamp  was  our  companion,  if  it  may  be  called  a  companion, 
but  we  came  to  the  conclusion,  unalterably,  that  our  Dandy 
is  an  inexplicable  character.  He  loves  every  lady  with 
whom  he  is  acquainted — at  least,  he  has  sworn  to  that  effect 
to  each  feminine  personage  separately,  over  and  over  again. 


I 


129 


and  we  are  bound  to  believe  him,  if  the  ladies  do  not  doubt 
his  asseverations. — But  Mrs.  Sniprihhon !  sweet  Mrs.  Snip- 
ribbon!    She  possesses  as  much  of  his  love  as  all  the  others 
combined — Mrs.  Snipribbon  has  money  !  a  comfortable  arti- 
cle now-a-days,  when  trade  is  rather  ebbish — and  when  it  is 
considered  that  people  have  very  little  else  to  do,  other  (a 
Congressional  word)  than  to  worship  the  god  Morpheus  over 
a  newspaper  !    Our  dandy,  we  have  not  ascertained  his  name 
as  yet,  and  Mrs.  Snipribbon  will  not  divulge  it,  she  is  too 
modest,  is,  as  we  informed  our  readers  before,  a  worshipper 
of  Apollo,  of  Terpsichore,  of  Bacchus,  and  of  Venus,  and 
that  is  not  all,  he  is  a  great  horse-jockey  ;  and  did  his  father, 
if  he  have  a  father,  possess  a  Bucephalus,  as  Philip  of  Mace- 
don  did,  we  have  no  doubt,  he  would  surpass  in  horseman- 
ship the  feat  which  is  recorded  of  the  far-famed  Alexander 
the  Great.    Our  dandy  goes  to  the  races,  always  has  been  to 
the  races,  and  intends  to  continue  to  go  to  the  races,  until  he 
changes  his  mind.    A  dandy  has  a  right  to  change  his  mind, 
of  course — it  is  the  prerogative  of  a  gentleman.    Our  dandy, 
as  every  one  knows  by  this  time,  is  prolific  in  expedients. 
He  had  no  gig,  no  horse,  no  money,  and  how  to  get  to  the 
races  he  did  not  exactly  know — yet  go  he  must,  and  in  style 
too— he  always  rides  in  style.    He  placed  his  finger  on  his 
brow.  Lord  Burleigh  fashion,  and,  after  a  moment's  reflec- 
tion, determined  to  visit  Mrs.  Snipribbon,  and  to  be  in  love 
with  her  five  times  as  much  as  ever.    We  would  just  inform 
our  readers,  as  briefly  as  possible,  (we  like  not  your  long 
stories — we  detest  prolixity — which  are  the  principal  reasons 
which  urge  us  to  be  so  excessively  laconic ;)  that  Mrs.  Snip- 

17 


130 


ribbon  owns  a  gig  and  a  white  and  liver-coloured  mare,  ears 
cropt,  mane  hog'd,  and  when  she  goes  her  short  tail  is  up 
perpendicularly.  We  understand  that  the  "  trotting  club " 
have  excluded  her  from  performing  on  their  course,  inasmuch 
as  Molly  (Molly  is  her  name)  trots  before  and  canters 
behind !  ! 

Dandy,  [rap,  rap,  rap.]  My  life !  my  love !  my  sun !  my 
polar  star  !  how  are  you  this  morning  ?  And  yet  I  need  not 
ask ;  the  roses  on  that  cheek,  and  the  coral  hue  of  that  lip, 
indicate  nothing  but  health,  contentment,  and  balmy  slum- 
bers, (a-liem  !  aside.) 

Mrs.  Snipribhon.  O,  dear  Mr.  you  know  the  song. 

Men  practice  flattery 

By  moon-light  on  the  Battery. 

You  are  flattering  me. 

D.  No,  my  dear,  I'm  not. 

Mts.  S.  Yes,  you  are,  you  rogue  you. 

D.  I'm  not,  as  I'm  a  gentleman,  'pon  honour,  (a-hem !) 
[Our  dandy  presses  Mrs.  Snip's  beautiful,  plump,  and  red 
hand,  with  short  fingers.] 

Mrs.  S.  O,  you  gay  de-  {smack!)  ceiver.  [Every  water- 
man knows  what  a  smack  is — it's  a  small  vessel.] 

Here  our  D  walks  up  and  down  Mrs.  Snip's  room — 

he  is,  apparently,  half  angry,  half  petulent,  and  half  dis- 
appointed, three  halves  in  a  Police  Report  are  always 
admissible,  eyeing  Mrs.  Snip's  Brussels  carpet  all  the  while, 
— Whether  the  carpet  was  purchased  at  Sackett's,  96  Division- 
street,  or  at  Albrok  &  Hoyt's,  105  Bowery,  or  at  Jolm  Field's 
two  sixes  (66)  Chatham-street,  we  know  not.    Suffice  it  to 


131 


say,  it  is  a  fine  carpet,  as  we  are  informed.  Some,  no  doubt, 
will  entertain  the  opinion,  that  we  are  arriving  at  the  climax 
of  our  story  a  little  too  rapidhj.  It  would  seem  that  we  are 
coming  "point  blank  "  at  our  object,  which  is  a  fact,  like  a 
"  bullet  at  a  target"  We  cannot  please  every  one — it's  a 
fault  we  have — we  confess  it.  O !  had  we  the  faculty  of 
spinning  out  a  story  as  some  people  have,  we  would  not  sell 
the  talent,  in  the  language  of  the  Jew,  for  a  "  wilderness  of 
monkeys."  We  will  adopt  the  phrase  of  Falstaff,  however, 
and  say  "  no  more  of  that,  Hal,  an  thou  love  me." 

Mrs.  S.  What  agitates  thee,  my  dear  ?  "  why  bitest  thou 
thy  nether  lip?" 

D.  O,  I'm  so  vexed. 

Mrs.  S.  What  vexes  thee,  my  sweet  ? 

D.  It  is  but  a  mere  trifle — trifles  sometimes  vex  a  man, 
however. 

Mrs.  S.  So  they  do— but  tell  me  the  cause,  or  else  I'll  tell 
thee  as  Kate  told  Percy,  I'll  break  thy  little  finger !  O  you 
captivating  man ! 

D.  Why,  like  a  fool,  I  lent  out  my  dapple  gray  and  gig, 
without  thinking  that  to-day  is  the  day  of  the  races. 

Mrs.  S.  Is  that  all !    Bill  bring  up  the  gig  and  Molly. 

D.  Dear  Mrs.  

Mrs.  S.  Say  no  more,  Molly  shall  whirl  you  to  the  races. 
D.  To  say  the  truth,  Molly  is  a  good  animal. 
Mrs.  S.  Do  you  think  so  ? 
D.  Yes,  she  trots  before. 

3Irs.  S.  To  be  sure  she  does,  and  she  canters  behind  ! 
Bill.  All  ready,  ma'am. 

D.  Can  you  change  a  hundred  dollar  bill,  lovey  ? 


132 


Mrs.  S.  No,  I  cannot,  deary! 

D.  I've  no  small  bills,  and  it  is  troublesome  to  

Mrs.  S.  I  have  small  bills— here  are  five  dollars— hadn't 
you  better  take  some  more  ? 

D.  Do  you  think  so — well  I'll  just  take  five  more. 

Mrs.  S.  Do  you  think  you  have  enough,  lovcy  ? 

D.  Well,  deary,  I  don't  know  what  may  happen!  I  think 
I'd  better  take  ten  more  !  [Our  dandy  didn't  take  any  more 
than  twenty — he  wasn't  asked !  He  jumps  into  the  gig — 
cracks  his  whip — and  exclaims  "go  ahead  Molly ! !  "] 


Police  Office, 

Half  past  four  A.  M.— Cool. 

Justice  HopsoN,  Present. 

"Thus  hath  the  candle  singed  the  moth. 

O  these  deliberate  fools  !  when  they  do  choose. 

They  have  the  wisdom  by  their  wit  to  lose." 

Ann  Taylor  kicked  Wm.  Taylor,  threw  stones  at  him,  and 
tore  his  gala  suit  of  clothes. 

Ann  Agnes  Bremen  was  assaulted  by  John  Bremen. 

Peter  Handly  drove  away  a  horse  and  cart  which  chanced 
to  belong  not  precisely  to  himself. 

Stop  that  dandy !  Will  no  one  stop  that  dandy  ?  It  ap- 
pears not.    Our  dandy,  as  our  readers  will  recollect,  ordered 


133 


Molly  (Molly  is  Mrs.  Snipes  mare)  to  go  ahead — she  did  go 
ahead,  Molly  is  not  precisely  a  Flander's  marc,  and  yet  she 
is  an  animal  of  fine  blood,  and  "  can  go  !"  In  the  language 
of  our  dandy,  she  can  "  shoot  ahead"  of  any  thing  on  the  road 
or  on  the  trotting  course.  That  is  the  reason  (as  he  alleges) 
why  she  is  excluded  by  the  Trotting  Club.  Suppose  she 
does,  says  he,  canter  behind,  no  one  will  pretend  to  deny  that 
she  trots  before,  and  a  trot  is  a  trot  all  the  world  over.  There 
is,  or  ought  to  be,  a  beginning,  a  middle,  and  an  end,  to  all 
histories,  tragedies,  poems,  and  orations;  or,  as  a  certain  ele- 
gant and  accomplished  Colonel  would  express  it,  a  circumlo- 
cution, an  argument,  and  a  peoration.  We  profess  to  be  able 
to  give  a  circumlocution !  arguments  are  not  fashionable,  and, 
as  every  one  knows,  when  we  commence  a  story  we  arrive  at 
a  conclusion  sooner  or  later.  Most  persons  say  we  are  too 
brief!  That  is  undoubtedly  objectionable — we  acknowledge 
it,  and  crave  forgiveness.  Our  dandy  is  a  first  rate  judge  of 
the  noble  animal,  the  horse,  and  is  well  acquainted  with  his 
force,  his  speed,  his  habits,  and  history,  and  contends  that'no 
gentleman  will  drive  a  horse  rapidly  up  hill,  or  down  hill,  or 
over  the  pavements — it  is  unmanly,  and  evinces  a  disposition 
to  cruelty.  He  drove  at  a  moderate  rate  down  to  the  Fulton 
Ferry,  crossed  the  East-River,  and  walked  Molly  through 
Brooklyn  till  he  arrived  on  the  heights,  when  he  gave  a  whis- 
tle, drew  up  the  reins  to  what  is  technically  termed  a  "strong 
pull,"  and  Molly  "shot  ahead  ^as  our  old  friend  Timothy  Fish 
would  say)  like  a  streak  of  lightnin'!" — had  five  contentions  for 
superiority  before  he  arrived  at  the  gate — passed  every  thing 
lhat  "  wore  hair,"  and  every  thing  that  didn't  wear  hair  (so 


134 


he  said.)    He  bowed  his  head  gracefully  to  the  gate-keeper, 
as  much  as  to  say,  "  I'm  in  a  hurry  now — I'll  pay  you  when  I 
return."    [We  will  interrupt  the  progress  of  this  interesting 
story  for  a  momeut,  just  to  inform  our  readers  that  when  he 
did  return  he  bowed  his  head  again,  which  would  indicate 
"  I  paid,  you  know,  when  I  passed  through  before."  The 
gate-keeper  threw  his  person  into  a  kind  of  semicircle,  which 
expresses,  as  we  are  informed,  "  All  right.  Sir !"    Our  dandy 
at  the  same  time  gave  the  words  of  command,  "  Go  it,  Mol- 
ly!!!"   There  is  something  saned,  said  he.    "I  have  heard 
persons  say,  that  a  shilling  saved  is  a  shilling  gained — conse- 
quently, I  have  gained  a  "shilling,  more  or  less." — A  very 
good,  triangular,  syllogistical,  comfortable,  self-evident  con- 
clusion.] 

He  arrived  at  the  race  course,  and  as  his  labours  had  been 
great  during  the  morning,  he  fell  somewhat  hungry,  and 
considerable  thirsty.  He  gives  Molly  to  a  boy  for  safe- 
keeping, and  walks  into  a  shanty  and  eats  a  bowl  of  turtle 
soup,  and  washes  it  down  with  a  glass  of  brandy  and  water, 
and,  whistling  for  want  of  thought,  very  unconsciously  walked 
out  without  exhibiting  the  complexion  of  his  money! ! 

D.  Boy,  I'll  hand  you  a  shilling  by  and  bye — ^you'll  be  here 
I  suppose.' 

Boy.  O  yes  sir. 

D.  Push  ahead  Molly!  A  few  shillings  gain!  (ahem!) 
Our  Dandy  drives  into  the  crowd,  pulls  out  his  pocket-book, 
and  displays  to  the  best  advantage  Mrs.  Snipribbon's  bank 
bills,  and  effects  to  be  engaged  in  making  memoranda  with  his 
pencil,  of  the  bets  he  had  previously  waged.    He  makes  a 


135 


number  of  bets  in  reality  on  the  favourite  horse  against  the 

field  and  appoints  J  G  's  shanty  for  settlement  when 

the  race  was  over.    He  makes  as  many  bets  on  the  field 

against  the  favourite  horse,  and  designates  G         B  's 

shanty  for  adjustment  when  the  contest  was  concluded — this  is 
called  hedging  No  money  is  ever  staked  among  gentlemen, 
consequently  memorandums  were  made.  The  field  heats  the 
favourite  horse — many  of  the  knowing  ones  are  taken  in — 
our  Dandy  goes  to  G.  B.'s  to  receive  his  winnings,  and  takes 
in  $325.  He  did  not  go  J.  G.'s  where  he  had  lost  the  same 
amount — the  fact  is,  owing  to  the  croAvd,  and  bustle,  and 
noise,  he  had  entirely  forgotten  he  had  agreed  to  meet  any 
one  at  Mr.  J.  G's.  He  jumps  into  tlie  gig — Molly,  go  it!!! 
Molly  had  not  gone  far,  when  our  Dandy  descried  a  gentle- 
man in  the  crowd  who  just  had  that  instant  been  thrown  out 
of  a  gig — his  new  $10  St.  John's  beaver  rolling  on  the  ground. 
There  is  a  chance  for  a  hat,  said  he ! — he  springs  out  of  the 
gig — his  hat  accidentally  falls  ofi'— he  springs  back  again, 
cracks  his  whip,  and  points  Molly's  nose  towards  Mrs.  Sniprih- 
bon's.  The  unfortunate  gentleman  first  picked  himself  out  of 
the  dust,  and  then  picked  up  a  $3  hat,  nineteen  twentieths 
worn  out !  Halloo !  who  has  my  hat !  exclaimed  he — 
Nobody  Answered  ! ! ! 


136 


Police  Office. 

One  honr  before  day-light — cold  wind. 
Justice  HopsoN,  Present 

"Look  to  my  chatties  and  my  moveables — 
Let  senses  rule;  the  word  iapilchaxidpay; 
Trust  none." 

J.  Archer  was  taken  out  of  a  common  place,  engaged  in  an 
unlawful  business. 

Magistrate.  What  were  you  doing  at  that  house  I 

Prisoner.  Nothing. 

M.  What  called  you  there  ? 

P.  Nothing. 

M.  You  were  doing  nothing  and  nothing  called  you  there  ? 
P.  Yes. 

M.  How  old  are  you  ? 
P.  Nineteen. 

M.  What  do  you  follow  for  a  living  ? 
P.  Nothing. 

M.  Every  thing  appears  to  be  with  you  nothing.  You 
come  under  the  vagrant  act. 

P.  Sir,  I  am  a  fireman. 

M.  What  company  do  you  belong  to  ? 

P.  I  don't  belong  to  any  company  in  particular. 

M.  No  company  in  particular  !  How  then  do  you  make  it 
out  that  you  are  a  fireman  ? 

P.  Why  I  attend  all  the  fires  ? 

M.  What  is  your  business  there  T 


137 


P.  I  assist  in  taking  out  property. 

M.  And  like  many  more  of  your  occupation,  you  assist  in 
not  only  talcing  out  property,  but  you  assist  in  taking  off 
property. 

P.  I  am  a  boatman. 

M.  In  whose  employ  are  you  ? 

P.  In  no  one's  in  particular. 

M.  I  suppose  not — you  are  a  bad  fellow.  Take  him  to 
Bridewell. 

Thomas  Daily  gets  drunk  daily — and  stole  candles  from  a 
child  in  the  street.    Sent  to  Bridewell. 

Thomas  Daily  the  Second  met  a  piece  of  timber  in  the 
street — he  took  a  fancy  to  the  timber,  and  the  timber  took 
a  fancy  to  him.  They  walked  off  together.  Thomas  the 
second  was  walked  into  Bridewell  to  keep  company  with 
Thomas  the  first. 

J.  Smith  was  kind  enough  to  instruct  a  watchman  in  his 
duty.  Our  watchmen  are  ever  willing  to  receive  counsel, 
but  Mr.  J.  Smith  was  impudent.   Brought  to  the  watch-house. 

R.  Ackman  had  a  bundle  of  clothes,  under  suspicious  cir- 
cumstances— was  short  of  change — sold  carpenters'  tools 
for  half  price,  and  spent  his  money  in  drunkenness— had  in 
his  possession,  among  other  things,  three  unfinished  hats. 
Committed. 

18 


138 


Frances  Atkinson  was  brought  from  Cherry-street  on  a 
hand-barrow.  One  of  her  legs  was  broken — she  had  been 
attacked  by  a  mob.    Sent  to  the  Aims-House. 


Police  Office. 

A  thief — "  a  minion  of  the  moon." 

A  youth  of  the  age  of  nineteen  years  was  brought  in  for 
steahng  boots  and  other  property.  He  said  that  he  had  been 
to  a  "  raffie  "  and  had  won  the  boots.  His  story  turned  out 
to  be  a  false  one.  When  he  was  asked  to  sign  his  name  to 
the  "  examination,"  his  reply  was  "  I  can't  write." 

Quere.  Who  is  the  most  to  blame,  this  youth  or  his 
parents — the  lad  who  was  brought  up  in  ignorance  and  vice, 
or  those  whose  duty  it  was  to  have  given  him,  at  least,  a 
common  English  education,  and  to  have  inculcated  in  his 
mind  virtuous  principles  ? 

A  genteel,  intelligent,  and  fine  looking  lady  came  into  the 
office,  and  petitioned  for  the  liberation  of  her  son,  who  is 
now  confined  in  Bridewell,  for  stealing  money  to  the  amount 
of  about  S30.  Fortunately  we  do  not  witness  scenes  of  this 
description  very  often.  No  one  will  envy  the  feelings  we 
experienced,  when  'we  beheld  the  agonized  expression  of 
the  countenance  of  this  lady,  when  she  was  informed  that  the 
law  was  superior  to  the  authority  of  the  Magistrates,  and 
that  the  law  must  have  its  course.  Again  we  ask,  who  is  to 
blame,  the  parent  or  the  lad  ?    We  contend  that  no  one  will 


139 


steal  who  has  received  a  proper  education,  and  who  has  had 
correct  principles  imparted  to  him  during  his  infancy  and 
youth. 

Amodern  sort  of  a  Jehu,  with  box-coat  on,  whip  in  hand,  &c. 
walked  in  and  looked  at  the  Magistrate  with  his  right  eye — 
the  left  couldn't  look  at  all. 

Magistrate.  What  is  the  matter  with  you  ? 

J.  I  went  to  take  a  sleigh-ride. 

M.  Well. 

J.  No,  it  isn't  well. 

M.  Be  brief  and  tell  your  story. 

J.  I  stopped  at  a  public  house  and  I  believe  I  drank  a  little 
too  much  punch — and  a  man  who  was  there — I  don't  know 
him,  I  never  saw  him  before — took  occasion  to  "punch"  me 
in  my  left  eye  !  !  ! 

M.  Yes,  I  see  you  have  been  "  punched."  I  have  nothing 
more  to  say  to  you — you  may  go. 

Fourteen  months  ago  a  gentleman  went  to  a  party,  and 
accidently,  as  is  supposed,  got  a  little  "prime."  He  was 
very  assiduous  and  particular  in  his  attentions  to  a  particular 
young  lady;  and  the  next  day  he  "found"  that  a  watch 
which  cost  him  $250  was  "  missing."  Yesterday  the  Police 
recovered  the  watch  ;  and  it  was  found  ticking  precisely  as 
if  it  were  ticking  for  its  lawful  owner.  We  need  not  tell  the 
rest. 


140 


Police  Office. 

"The  clerk  of  Chatham:  he  can  write  and  read,  and  cast  accorapt." 

Shak. 

The  apprentice  boy,  of  whom  we  made  mention  in  a  preced- 
ing Police,  came  before  Justice  Wyman  and  acknowledged  him- 
self to  have  been  in  the  wrong,  when  he  made  a  complaint 
against  his  master.  He  added,  on  a  close  examination,  that 
his  master  encouraged  him  to  read  books,  but  that  his  master 
always  claimed  the  right  of  selecting  the  books  which  he 
ought  to  read. 

Magistrate.  You  are  very  fortunate  in  having  so  discreet  a 
guardian,  and  you  ought  to  be  grateful  for  it.  Many  a  youth 
has  been  ruined  by  reading  books  of  mere  fancy.  Your 
master  no  doubt  wished  you  to  read  those  works  which  would 
be  of  service  to  you  in  your  manhood.  By  the  word  fancy 
I  do  not  mean  to  condemn  those  productions  which  tend  to 
exalt  virtue  and  depress  vice,  but  I  allude  to  those  which 
have  effects  directly  to  the  contrary. 

Apprentice.   Sir,  I  would  return    to  Mr.   but  I'm 

afraid  he'll  flog  me  for  having  been  here. 

M.  You  can  write  I  suppose  ? 

A.  Yes,  sir. 

M.  Then  I  would  advise  you  to  address  a  respectful  letter 
to  the  gentleman  whom  you  have  offended,  and  apologize  for 
your  conduct,  and  I  have  no  doubt  he  will  forgive  you. 

A.  I  thank  you,  sir,  I  will  follow  your  advice. 


» 


141 

A.  Smith  came  forward  and  complained  of  a  mate  of  a 
vessel  who  retained  his,  (the  complainants,)  clothes  without 
cause.  The  Magistrate  remarked  that  he  could  get  no  redress 
in  the  Police  Office  ;  but  advised  him  to  consult  counsel,  and 
bring  forward  an  "  action  of  trover." 

The  gentleman  who  presented  himself  a  few  days  ago  at 
the  Police  Office  for  the  purpose  of  asking  advice  and  was 
dismissed,  has  since  been  escorted  in  by  a  watchman,  and 
was  subsequently  sent  to  Bridewell  for  breaking  two  panes  of 
glass  in  Broadway.  When  he  went  into  prison  he  said  that 
his  name  was  Mr.  Jacobs — when  he  came  out  it  was  Au<rus- 
tus  Caesar. 

Magistrate.  Augustus  Caesar,  what  was  your  object  in 
breaking  those  two  panes  of  glass  ? 

Prisoner.  O,  I  was  determined  to  get  into  prison  to  see 
what  was  going  on  there,  and  I  thought  the  plan  which  I 
adopted,  was  the  better  one. 

M.  "Well,  how  do  you  hke  Bridewell  ? 

P.  I  don't  like  it  at  all — it  is  the  worst  prison  I  was  ever 
in,  it  is  more  fit  for  pigs  to  occupy,  than  for  human  beings 
Augustus  CcEsar,  is  taken  care  of. 

John  Smith,  a  disgusting  animal,  works  one  or  two  hours 
in  a  day  and  then  gets  drunk  on  what  he  receives  ;  and  when 
night  comes  he  repairs  to  the  watch-house  for  lod^ino-g, 

DO 

Magistrate.  Neither  the  watchmen  nor  ourselves  wish  to 
be  troubled  ^vith  such  a  loathsome  animal  as  you  are — you 
come  under  the  vagrant  act. 


142 

John  Wallon  is  one  of  that  cZamarous  set  of  persons  called 
clam-men,  who  go  about  annoying  our  peaceable  citizens  at 
all  hours  of  the  day,  and  it  may  be  added,  at  all  hours  of 
the  night.  This  man  fell  out  of  his  wagon  dead  drunk, 
and  was  bruised  in  a  most  shocking  manner,  and  would 
have  died,  in  all  probability,  had  it  not  been  for  the  humanity 
and  timely  aid  of  a  watchman.  In  our  opinion,  an  ordinance 
ought  to  be  passed  regulating  the  proceedings  of  itinerant 
oyster-men  and  clam-men.  The  Magistrates  inform  us,  that 
almost  every  species  of  fraud  is  practiced  by  these  persons. 
Would  it  not  be  a  good  plan  to  licence  them  ? 


Police  Office. 

Mr.  Pope  is  what  is  known  by  the  appellation  of  a  "master 
dirt  cartman,"  came  into  the  office  and  complained  of  an  indi- 
vidual, a  dirt  cartman,  (the  name  we  will  not  mention,  because 
the  latter  will  probably  be  put  upon  his  trial,)  for  having 
forged  his  tickets,  and  had  sold  them,  and  had  received  money 
and  goods,  by  direct  and  indirect  means,  to  the  amount  of 
nearly  $3000.  The  person  complained  of,  four  years  ago, 
had  a  horse  and  cart,  and  nothing  more — he  carted  dirt  on 
an  average  one  day  in  a  week,  and  is  now  the  owner  of  two 
houses.  He  has,  in  the  mean  time,  maintained  himself  and 
family  in  tolerable  style.  Mr.  Pope  has  done  business  in  this 
line,  during  the  last  five  years,  to  the  amount  of  half  a  million 
of  dollars — employs  sometimes  three  or  four  hundred  cart- 
men. — The  person  complained  of,  he  has  employed  for  the 


143 


last  four  years— issued  printed  tickets  to  cartmcn  and  re- 
deemed (hem  every  Saturday.— Sometimes  lost  from  $300 
to  $350  on  a  contract---knew  not  how  to  account  for  it— has 
now  discovered.  The  person  complained  of,  he  has  ascer- 
tained had  40,000  tickets  struck  off  by  one  printer,  and  sold 
them  to  the  amount  of  ten  dollars  at  a  time,  half  cash  and 
half  goods,  to  different  grocers— the  grocers  were  innocent 
of  the  forgery.  He  furthermore  stated,  that  the  wife  of  the 
person  complained  of,  and  her  two  sons  were  known  to  have 
circulated  those  counterfeit  tickets.  The  above  statement 
was  corroborated  by  two  respectable  witnesses,  [We  trust 
that  this  will  be  a  warning  to  those  who  issue  printed  tickets 
without  signing  them.] 

A  foreigner  was  landed  nine  months  ago  in  Baltimore. 
This  gentleman  had  something  of  the  appearance  of  one  who 
was  addicted  to  the  loathsome  habit  of  intemperance.  He 
presented  himself  before  the  Magistrates,  and  said,  that  he 
came  to  ask  advice. 

Magistrate.  On  what  subject  do  you  wish  to  be  advised  ? 

Foreigner.  I  have  spent  all  mymoney,  and  I  wish  to  know 
how  I  am  to  get  a  living. 

M.  Had  you  any  money  when  you  came  to  this  country  ? 

F.  Yes,  sir,  $304  in  specie. 

M.  What  has  become  of  your  specie  ? 

F.  I  went  to  see  the  Niagara  Falls. 

M.  Did  you  see  the  Falls  ? 
F.'  Yes,  sir. 

M.  You  gratified  your  curiosity  to  its  fullest  extent  ? 


144 


F.  Yes,  sir. 

M.  What  then? 

jp.  Then  I  went  to  Albany. 

M.  Go  on. 

F.  Then  I  came  to  New-York. 

ill.  Had  you  any  money  when  you  came  to  New-York  ? 

F.  Yes,  sir,  $100. 

M.  How  long  have  you  been  here  1 

F.  Four  weeks. 

M.  So  you  expended  $100  in  four"  weeks. 
F.  No  sir,  not  exactly— I  was  robbed. 
M.  When,  and  where,  and  how  ? 

F.  Sir,  I  got  a  little  in  liquor  and  went  to  sleep,  and  when  I 
awoke  I  found  my  money  missing. 

M.  O,  you  get  drunk  occasionally  ? 

F.  Yes,  sir — the  best  of  men  get  drunk  occasionally. 

M.  No,  sir,  the  best  of  men  do  not  get  drunk  on  any  occa- 
sion, nor  under  any  circumstances.  You  may  go  about  your 
business. 

A  Mr.  O'C  spit  upon  a  female,  and  otlicrwise  abused 

her.  This  is  the  same  female,  and  the  prisoner  the  same  man, 
of  whom  wc  made  a  report  a  few  days  ago,  relating  to  the 
"  pawning  of  spoons."  There  appears  to  be  a  system  of  per- 
secution kept  up  by  this  man,  unparalleledin  our  Police  history. 
Mr.  Raymond  called  three  or  four  days  in  succession  at  the 
prisoner's  residence,  in  order  to  obtain  an  interview,  and  con- 
ducted himself  (as  he  always  docs)  with  mildness  and  human- 
ity he  could  not  see  the  prisoner— but  he  always  saw  the 


145 


prisoner's  spouse,  and  always  got  for  his  pains  a  tolerable 
quantity  of  abuse.  Mr.  Raymond  was  not  to  be  defeated  in 
the  discharge  of  his  duties  by  a  man,  nor  even  by  a  wily,  obstre- 
perous woman.  He  therefore  adopted  the  expedient  of 
resorting  to  the  Grand  Jury  for  a  summons  to  "  come  forth." 

He  obtained  the  summons. — Mr.  O'C         forthwith  came 

to  the  Police  Office,  and  then  forthwith  went  to  Bridewell. 


Police  Office. 

"  I'll  thrust  you  through  the  thorax  or  blow  you." 

Charles  King. — A  warrant  was  issued  against  this  gentleman 
for  an  assault  and  battery  committed  upon  a  foreigner.  What 
the  result  will  be  no  one  knows,  as  the  case  has  not  been  ex- 
amined.  The  complainant  avers  that  Charles  King  is  a  pug- 
nacious, fighting  character,  and  that  very  recently  he  gave 
an  invitation  to  an  acquaintance  of  his,  to  meet  him  at 
Hoboken  with  ball  and  pistol !  He  furthermore  states,  that 
he  has  had  a  controversy  with  Mr.  Charles  King — that  iie 
called  at  his  house — that  he  recapitulated  his  grievances — 
that  Mr.  Charles  King  knocked  him  from  his  chair — that  he 
attempted  to  retreat — that  Mrs.  King  locked  the  door,  and 
then ! — made  five  furrows  in  his  left  cheek.  Complainant 
don't  like  it.  It  is  not  necessary  to  say,  that  the  individual 
above  referred  to,  is  not  the  gentleman  who  presides  over 
one  of  our  public  journals. 

A  beggar  was  sent  to  Bridewell  to  be  taken  care  of.  He 

19 


146 


was  examined,  and  between  $40  and  $50  were  found  upon 
him.  We  will  mention  one  other  species  of  imposition  which 
is  very  common.  There  are  many  persons  who  go  about 
begging  cold  victuals,  &c.,  and  who  also  go  to  the  Aims-House 
and  obtain  potatoes  and  fuel,  and  then  dispose  of  what  the 
charitable  have  bestowed  upon  them  for  ru7n.  All  this  ope- 
rates very  seriously  against  the  virtuous  poor. 

A  Mr.  Hoc  was  taken  up  in  the  act  of  pawning  four  silver 
spoons — he  was  closely  examined — came  from  Canada  on 
foot,  with  the  exception  of  forty  miles— rode  in  a  stage  forty 
miles,  and  pawned  his  watch.  Left  a  wife  and  six  children 
in  Canada.  Came  to  New-York  for  the  purpose  of  taking 
passage  to  England— has  no  money  and  is  very  ill.  He  was 
sent,  on  the  score  of  charity,  to  the  Commissioners  of  the 
Aims-House. 

A  man  was  brought  up  for  the  ninth  time,  for  getting  drunk 
and  exposing  himself  in  the  streets.  He  was  apparently 
about  twenty-seven  years  of  age,  and  a  more  miserable  object 
we  have  never  beheld. — He  was  pale  and  emaciated,  and  his 
eyes  rolled  about,  like  one  in  a  state  of  partial  derangement. 
Sent  to  the  Penitentiary  for  four  months. 


147 


Police  Office. 

*'  Music  hath  charms  to  soothe  the  savage  breast." 
Civil  dudgeon  sometimes  grows  high, 
And  men  fall  out  they  know  not  why. 

Budibras  improved. 

Two  Coal  Men  became  belligerants,  in  consequence  of  a 
misunderstanding,  relative  to  the  "  shoveling  in  "  of  a  load 
of  coal.  A.  B.  was  determined  to  "shovel  in;"  whereupon 
B,  C.  resolved  to  "shovel"  A.  B.  and  he  did  "shovel"  him 
so  effectually,  that  A.  B.  is  promenading  Broadway  with  a 
gash  on  his  left  cheek  four  inches  and  two  barleycorns  in 
length.  How  the  aflair  will  be  settled  between  these  two 
"  shoveiers  "  we  know  not. 

A  scape-grace  of  a  youth  was  brought  up,  at  the  request 
of  two  near  relations  of  his.  His  guardians  could  do  nothing 
with  him — he  had  passed  the  Rubicon  of  reformation,  as 
they  believed.  There  is  a  means  provided,  however,  for 
taming  high  mettled  youth,  similar  to  the  above. 

A  pretty  woman,  her  eyes  distilling  a  liquid,  commonly 
called  tears,  made  her  courtsey  at  the  bar.  Her  story  was 
soon  told — she  was  in  danger  of  being  depiived  of  her  life. 

Magistrate.  By  whom,  and  by  what  means  is  your  life  to 
be  taken  ? 

Complainant.  Polly  Smith  says  she  will  knock  my  brains 
out. 


148 


M.  What  cause  have  you  given  Polly  Smith,  which  induced 
her  to  say  that  she  would  knock  your  "brains  out?" 

C.  Why,  sir,  we  live  in  the  same  house,  and  we  don't 
agree. 

3T.  In  other  words  you  quarrel  occasionally? 
C.  Yes,  sir. 

M.  Why  do  you  not  separate  then,  and  have  nothing  to 
do  with  each  other  ? 
C.  I  don't  know. 

M.  I  suppose  not.  Now,  in  my  opinion,  your  life  is  not 
in  danger;  when  persons  intend  to  commit  murder  they  do 
not  tell  of  it  before  hand.  I  advise  you  to  mind  your  busi- 
ness, and  leave  off  quarreling.    You  may  go. 

G.  Here  I  am,  and  in  a  cage  too,  said  a  tall,  slender  wight, 
I  wonder  what  they  take  me  for  ?  Whether  for  a  canary  bird, 
a  mocking  bird,  a  cat  bird,  or  a  blue-jay?  I'll  give  'em  a 
touch  of  the  latter.  Hereupon  he  commenced — and  kept 
every  body  about  the  establishment  "  vnde  awake  "  all  night. 
He  was  alternately  coaxed  and  threatened,  but  all  to  no  pur- 
pose— he  had  made  up  his  mind  that  he  could  be  neither 
more  nor  less  than  a  hlue-jay,  and  he  was  determined  to  act 
the  part  of  one.  It  is  true,  said  he,  that  I  have  no  feathers  : 
that  is  one  argument  that  operates  against  me — but  I  will  give 
you  [to  the  Captain]  three  incontrovertible  facts,  which  will 
prove  that  I  am  a  hlue-jay.    First,  I  have  two  legs,  have  I  not  ? 

C.  Yes. 

G.  Second,  I  have  more  bones  than  flesh,  have  I  not  ? 
a  Yes.  ' 


149 


G.  Third,  Can't  I  make  a  noise  1 
C,  Yes,  you  can — I'll  swear  to  that. 

G.  Then  by  your  own  admission,  I  have  adduced  proofs  as 
three  to  one,  that  I  am  a  blue-jay — ergo,  a  blue-jay  I  am. 
Mr.  Blue-jay  gave  bail  for  his  good  conduct  in  future. 


Police  Office  ; 

One  hour  before  daylight — wind  north,  clear. 

Justice  IIopsoN,  Present.  , 

"Though  love  is  warm  awhile,  soon  it  grows  cold." 

The  usual  number  of  drunken  men  and  drunken  women, 
rioters,  assault  and  battery  gentlemen,  and  thieves  and  pick- 
pockets were  arrested  and  committed. 

Mrs.  Snipribbon  thati^as,  is  no  longer  Mrs.  Snipribbon — 
she  is  the  happy  bride  of  our  thrice  happy  Dandy,  of  whom 
we  have  given  an  account.  Mrs.  Snip  was  worth  $25,000  in 
personal  property,  and  our  Dandy  knew  it.  Our  Dandy  was 
not  worth  the  smallest  fraction  of  a  cent,  and  he  knew  that  fact 
also.  "  Here's  a  chance  (said  he)  for  a  widow  who  has  a  trifle !" 
Those  who  have  hitherto  sent  cards  of  invitation  to  Mrs. 
Snipribbon  to  attend  parties,  private  balls,  and  assemblies 
will  enclose  them  hereafter  to  Sirs.  John  Smith.  They  will 
ascertain,  probably,  the  place  of  her  residence  by  turning  to 
one  of  the  old  directories.  Mr.  John  Smith,  among  other 
numerous  qualities  which  he  possesses,  has  a  musical  genius, 


150 


and  was  determined  to  serenade  romantically  and  in  disguise, 
her  who  was  once  Mrs.  Snipribbon.    And  in  order  to  "do  the 
genteel  thing"  lie  had  a  tin  trumpet  manufactured,  five  feet  and 
three  inches  long,  and  placed  himself  and  his  trumpet  under 
her  window,  and  "blew  a  blast!  "    She,  enchanting  creature, 
raised  the  sash  and  reclined  gracefully,  her  beautiful  and 
round  red  face  upon  her  elegant  rosy  hand,  with  short  fingers. 
Mr.  John  Smith  sang  to  the  exquisite  delight  of  Mrs.  John 
Smith,  through  the  speaking  trumpet,  or  rather  singing  trum- 
pet,  the  following  songs. — "  Molly   put  the  kettle  on," 
"Betsy  Baker"  "Sweet  Kitty  Clover,"  and  an  entire  new 
song  entitled  "Mrs.  Snipribbon,"  and  then  marched  into 
Broadway  for  the  purpose  of  having  a  little  "  fun."    "  How 
are  you?"  said  he,  through  his  trumpet,  to  an  "■exquisite," 
who  in  consequence  fainted  away.     The  exquisite,  was 
brought  to  his  senses,  however,  again,  by  means  of  a  httle 
lavender  water  and  eau  de  cologne.    He  placed  his  trumpet 
to  a  negress'  ear  and  shouted  out  "  what  right  have  you  to 
be  white  ?  "    The  descendant  of  the  sons  and  daughters  of 
Africa  ran  as  if  old  iVzctwas  after  her,  and  didn't  look  behind 
till  she  arrived  at  the  "  five  points."    The  next  persons  he 
met  chanced  to  be  a  brace  of  lovers  walking  "  cheek  by  jowl" 
or  as  the  more  refined  express  it  "  ttte-d-thte,  billing  and 
cooing,  and  talking  of  ''confectionaries"  and  New-Year 
"cookies."    The  Dandy  placed  his  trumpet  to  his  mouth 
and  expressed  himself  in  the  following  manner.    "  Ho  !  Ho  ! 
Ho  !  Ha  !  Ha  !  Ha  !  found  out — arc  you  not  ashamed  ?  O 
FIE  !    One  lover  ran  up  Broadway  and  the  other  ran  down 
Broadway — they  havn't  met  since — and  so  much  were  they 


151 


frightened,  it  is  not  probable  that  they  will  ever  meet  to  talk 
of  "confectionaries"  and  New-Year  "  Cookies  "  again.  He 
next  shouted  in  a  watchman's  ear,  (through  mistake,) 
"Halloo  !!!  What  are  you  about?" 

Watchman.  I'll  let  you  know.  And  suiting  the  action  to 
the  word,  he  seized  the  Dandy  by  the  collar,  but  the  Dandy, 
in  commercial  phrase,  "  slipped  cables  and  cleared."  The 
watchman,  however,  proved  his  devotedness  to  his  business, 
in  which  he  was  engaged — the  laborious  and  dangerous  busi- 
ness of  guarding  our  citizens  from  violence  and  outrage — by 
bearing  off  in  triumph  Mrs.  Snipribbon's  husband's  trumpet, 
which  measures  five  feet  three. 


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